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When is the right time?
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Ive been reading a few posts tonight, and wondered when would the right time to move onto a new relationship. I dont necessarily mean in calander times, but the healing process in general - when?
I have been asked out on a date on Friday night. I know I am not ready for this, and declined the offer, but what if I dont recognise that I am ready, or worse, I believe that I am, but am not at all. How will I know? Some people on here have moved on quite successfully into new relationships whilst still dealing with the scars of the last relationship, whilst others dont seem to have. And sex? I have never had casual sex in my life, never had a one night stand, even though I do enjoy the physical side of a relationship. I wonder if maybe I have moved into relationships too quickly to allow myself the physical side. Its not about catholic guilt or anything, its just I have never felt it was right for me. Would having sex in a casual relationship be preferable to one night stands/anonymous sex? Or would I run the risk of falling for that person and repeating the cycle of abuse? Posted on 07/11/12, 07:20 pm |
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It really depends on the person as for when you are ready. Do not rush yourself. I am dating now and am very happy, but I still deal with the scars of my ex. Keep in mind that you will be vulnerable. And the most important thing is to look out for red flags and be cautious.
As for sex, I agree with you that I would never feel comfortable with casual sex. But don't rush into a relationship just to get there. Just don't feel pressured to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, by yourself or someone else! 
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Your instinct will tell you when to move on. Every one has a different time frame.
As far as sex, you do not have to feel the pressures of having casual sex if you have never had casual sex in your life. A male who has his best interest at heart will respect that.
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You are ready when you are certain you'll never put up with abuse again, when you can build and maintain healthy boundaries. That's my view. You may still be dealing with the scars, but you have to be certain you will walk away if the new one starts looking abusive. Which isn't the same thing as jumping at shadows, but if someone shows they are not respecting your boundaries, you walk away.
And on that, your boundaries are yours to choose. If that means no casual sex, then that's fine. It's not about whether your boundary is "right" or "acceptable" - it's yours. Put it anywhere you like. As for whether you would fall for someone if it were casual, that's something only you can know about yourself. The "when" is a really tough one, because it's different for all of us. And yes, there are some here who've managed to move on fairly quickly and successfully, others who've moved on quickly and found themselves in another abusive relationship, and still others who've stayed single for a long time until they feel very well healed. It's different for everyone.
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Take it slowly and listen to your instincts. For me - I went out occasionally, but I made it clear that I was not ready for a relationship and I just want someone to go to the movies with or have coffee & chat etc. I set strong boundaries for myself so and guarded my emotions carefully. If anyone did not respect my boundaries, then they were banned. When my new husband came along, I was still very guarded, but gradually let the guard down and our relationship developed further.
When I first left and started my new life chapter on my own, I refused to even contemplate having another relationship until I worked out why I was attracted to the abuser in the first place, and deal with whatever I needed to deal with. I think that was a very worthwhile exercise.
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