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crazy thinking
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I think of her now, ill think of her 2 minutes from now, when I am working I will think of her, tonight I will, Ill dream of her and I, tomorrow same. I am thinking good and bad thoughts,
bad is she with someone else, in my bed in a house I own and cant go back too , are they doing dope?? and he or she is all over her, Is she having a party by the pool , while my son and I struggle to get a handle on things, is she crying for what she has done, does she feel bad, or is this the over all plan that she wanted. who did she manulpulate to have the power ,phones etc back on. have they moved into my home I built! using my stuff. just take my place. Is she cleaning me out?? selling and giving all my stuff away as if I do not exist. Is she even in that mindset. I am blamed for her father abuse, boyfriends..... well hell... everyones is load onto me. Good I have reached the mark in time that this has been the longest we have been apart. so now the pain is really in high gear. And not having to deal with the everyday crap, I have time to think of our good times too, Our being together, cooking, watching tv, swimming, hanging out, the kids around us and the grand babies, our daily activities, our love making , maybe there will be a trun around and over time we could get back to a better place. like when we got married, it seems so good , so good it throws me off. I still very much love her. the reality as much as I go though this roller coaster, the reality is and the questions, did I do this??? No did I make her get a DUI ?? No DId I do the attempt ??? NO Does she blame me for all???yes and thats my problem as well, as crazy as it seems, I feel I let her down, I am not there in the time of need. Can I go back to her ?? No can it get better?? No looking at the history, its going to get worst very fast very soon. I am going crazy just thinking, yet My son and I are moving ahead painfully, but moving. I cry in the shower all the time, I have 10 showers in the day LOL and I do. as strange as it sounds water has always been a safety for me. I sit and think of her there aswell. I think of how to get out of this mess, too. I have been busy getting stuff done, moving foward, but my bad thoughs are really getting to me, probely because I have nothing to gauge it by , no drive bys ( can t do that , that really messed me up) not interaction or comunication, nothing. so my mind goes Posted on 06/19/12, 08:57 am |
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I'm sorry for what you are going through and I know how you feel.
Consider starting a journal here...it allows you to vent and others may comment on it. Also, it gives you milestones so that you may better see your path and your progress. Maybe you need more counseling? Maybe you need meds to help you through this time? I know that daily cardio exercise is absolutely necessary for my well being. Take time to do things for yourself everyday...a phone call to a friend or family member who knows your story and loves you. I know it's hard to move forward everyday without thinking about the past, but that's kind of what you need to do. My ex also was abused emotionally, physically, and sexually as a kid and I cut him a lot of slack because of his horrible childhood. Your wife's emotional issues probably have little to do with you and all with where she has come from. You can do it, hang in there while you grieve, and be the best parent and person you can be for you and for your son. Hugs to you for better days ahead... 
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{{{HUGS}}}
I went through this rollercoaster too. I'm so sorry for the difficulty you are going through. Trust me... it doesn't last long and slowly fades away as you go up and down with each hill. I'm glad to see you are keeping yourself realistic. You know, the BEST thing you can do for her is to let go. That's not letting her down... that's giving her a chance to see the truth, learn from it and CHANGE. My X blamed and still blames me for what happened to us - even though HE'S the one who assaulted ME. My son recently said that while the X is constantly saying bad things about me, he's impressed because I'm not only not talking about the X, but finding my own happiness. My son didn't even spend Father's Day with his father.... I got to be with my son instead. My X got ANOTHER DUI (4th one) in January. Even checked into rehab for the 4th time.... so is he changing? Nope - I saw him recently going into the liquor store with a large reusable bag and two days later, he was so drunk he fell up the steps of his landlord's office. I just kept on driving by. It's not my problem anymore. HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING, and it's up to him to figure it out... if I were there, it would just continue to be my fault.... eventually he's going to run out of people to blame and THEN, he'll get it. Regarding the stuff... remember, it's just stuff. If it all burned away in a fire, you'd rebuild someplace new - possibly somewhere else, right? In the beginning of my divorce, I truly expected to be desperate - maybe have to camp out in my office with my animals.... didn't happen and I got WAY more than I was expecting - even though my attorney said I was too generous. In addition, my X stole something precious to me - an antique coin collection I've had since I was 12 years old - he used it as regular cash to buy booze with, including one coin that was worth $3,500.00. I discovered it was missing during the restraining order. It's gone... I'll never get it back... but every once in a while, one of those coins will come through the circulation and into my office - I've recovered 4 so far - worth about $10 max. That's good enough for me. Because I still have me, I've got my animals, and I'm moving forward. Happiness comes where you create it. Hang in there!
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So sorry for your pain. Yes, WVart is right, try journaling, it's a great way to record, document, vent, release....
The shower thing, I think so many of us have had our most very emotional and sometimes epiphanies in the shower. Water represents emotion...so it makes sense. When my son went to nursery school, when the kids got a little out of control, they were redirected to the water table, to play in the water, and they immediately calmed. It will get better, it will. As you create a joyful life for yourself, without the chaos, it will get better. Just keep going to the light.
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I was hooked by the title crazy thoughts. wvartgirl and hockey mom are both really smart ladies who have been through it. Myself too honestly. Journaling is great and I also recommend it. I used to write letters to my ex for gosh about a year. I poured myself into them, but NEVER mailed them. I was running on adrenoline and desperation for much of my first year out. I have 3 sons which helped alot because even if I was nuts from stress and grief I knew that I had to protect them and keep their wellbeing in my sites. keep busy. cry 10 times a day if you have to. crying helps healing. counseling is good if you are the type who can benefit from it. I did and my kids did. talking here is great, and I recommend talking and talking until it no longer helps. then take a break and then talk some more. I don't know mtnlionbait but I love what she said about stuff being just stuff. You may find that the stuff you worry about now is unimportant in the scheme of things. I dont know about anyone who didnt lose things, but there are some people who came out the other side of this experience with huge reservoirs of strength. wvartgirl and hockeymom are 2 of those people.
I will be praying for you and your son. Forgive yourself for all your crazy thoughts. It is part of the grieving process, and things will get better eventually, I promise. Karen
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I went to Nar-Anon (Alanon is basically the same thing) meetings for a few months after my ex and I broke up. The way she acted when drunk or high frightened and confused me. It was a positive learning experience for me, and I think you would see some benefit considering your ex wife also has addiction issues.
One of the core philosophies of both groups is to divide life into what you can control and what you can't control. Control what you can, and release the rest to God (or the universe, or however you define it). They emphasisze, "You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it." Once I understood that, I was more at peace with the situation and I felt less alone.. Your ex-wife has issues that you did not cause and that you can't fix or control. You have to realase that stuff to the universe, and focus on yourself and your son. I am glad you aren't trying to drive by the house and are trying to maintain minimal contact. Having any kind of communication will put you back to square one. Keep busy, find new hobbies, find new friends, spend time with your son...anything to distract you. After awhile, you will be able to quit thinking about what your ex is up to, and feel more at peace that there is nothing you can do about it.
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just thinking is the worst part. try to keep your mind occupied. i, too, have experienced the rollercoaster of "what if" and the good times, along with anger and sadness.
it will get better. xo
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