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I couldn't sleep. I read post after post. I received an email yesterday telling me he loves and misses me, still doesn't know if this marriage can be saved but hopes we can try. I have to go there for a week at the end of the month for appointments. I have his niece for the summer. Last I knew, he was sure we could work it out. The email was full of the ways I am at fault, no accountability whatsoever for anything he has or has not done. One of the posts that stuck out for me was the one about abusers and the thing they have in common is the inability to understand how they impact us. They can't see our position at all. To go back would mean I would have to give up my house. Kicking and screaming. I would never do it. I know that the almighty put me here to be near my family and safe and happy. The email made me feel sad and guilty for the decision I know I have made. I can't even entertain it, but I didn't write back and say he'll no I won't go. I wrote back and said we need face time. Then I read something from Ilene that said do not contact them at all. I fell short. I still want to explain myself, to get him to see my point. He absolutely does not get the impact he has had on me, only what I have had on him. That's what is so maddening. I do not understand how someone can think like that. I can't fathom it, and for that I am grateful. One step forward, two steps back.
Posted on 06/16/12, 09:15 am |
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Hon ----
"Face time" with an abuser is the prison door clanking shut. There is no way an abuser will ever "hear" you, let alone "get" what your feeling or sharing. Getting them to agree is 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999% impossible. Getting them to provide a GENUINE apology isn't possible short of a once in several-millennium miracle. Exposing yourself to a toxin, is exposing yourself to a toxin. You'll be fortunate to have the experience not result in some kind of damage. Sending you wishes for all good things. Please take good care. 
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if you do face or even phone time with him, you'll come out of it doubting yourself, even if you have a stack of Ilene's index cards spread out in front of you, listing all of the terrible, hurtful things he's done.
abusers seem to believe their lies, their half truths..and when someone believes the crap that's spewing out of their mouths, it's very easy to manipulate the other person. think of cults, and how they brainwash people. abusers are the masters of this. even the crazy ones, like my ex, who makes no sense, somehow STILL end up leaving us doubting our own perception. you are out, you are gone..you are near family. you have your home. stay away from your ex abuser!!! and live a wonderful life!
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I spent years trying to have the right conversation, trying to write the right letter, trying so hard to get my abuser to see my point of view, to get him to understand that he was abusing me...it never ever happened.
To this day my abuser can never admit that he was abusive toward me. Our divorce, he says and thinks, was all my fault, not a smidge of it was his. The Number One reason that abusive narcissists never recover is because they cannot admit fault. The recovery rate for abusive narcs is 0%. you have a better chance of being struck by lightning and of winning the lottery than you do of convincing an abuser that he/she is abusive. I gave up trying to connect to the unconnectable and now live my own happy life free of abuse. You sound like you are in a good place, like you are happy. He can never change, but you can. Hugs to you for better days ahead...
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For years, my mother cried to the whole family that she was the victim and did her "poor me" act for anyone who would listen about me not doing one thing or another. These days, even the closest person to her (her sister) sees it and talks about it to me, though she will never confront her directly. The whole family is pretty dysfunctional. But the point is, to this day my mother still sees herself as the one who has been hard done by me and has not once questioned herself or admitted any fault in our relationship. Now that I have not seen her in over four years, she still cries on the phone and whines about how long it has been since I've been home. But still has yet to ask me what is wrong or why I won't come back, if we can work on it, if there is anything SHE can do. No. She wants me to make all the effort, come back, pretend like nothing has ever happened, and be content to go along as it has always gone along. Meanwhile I am working on myself like crazy. It's true what everyone is saying, abusive nars. never see themselves or ever want to! It's not your issue, and you can't change that. The best thing you can do is detach. Sending you hugs and blessings!
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wvart - thank you - you really speak some sense xxxxxx
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I appreciate you all so much. I know I can do this. It's just going to take time. I need your help.
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I never could have did it (got out) without the kind people here on DS....
everyone is here for everyone else!
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Wvartgirl- such a good post. So true. I could read that over and over again and always find it empowering. EMOJI! 🐱⛄😘😍🍔🍟🍝🍸🍻🍦🍞🎂🍰👠🎯👾🎨💰💊💉🎈🚙✈🚀
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