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Looking inside my diary and myself
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I am going to do something here that I am hoping will be theraputic for myself as well as maybe for others...Maybe give give someone who is seeking answers about their abusive relationship an insight to thier possible future.
The following will be long and detailed. The notes I made to myself during my 5 yr. ordeal with the man I loved. The thoughts I had during the abuse. I am opening my soul up here in hopes of better understanding myself and hoping others can give me some insight. The first entry was about 2 yrs. into my stuggle to survive. Feb. 12, 09...I just have the most awful feeling that this is never going to stop. He is never going to be nice to me. Because I just can't be what he wants me to be. I can't think the way he wants me to think. I can't feel the things he wants me to feel. Maybe I should think of leaving. But I love him, how can I walk away from him. He may change he may wake up one day and realize he loves me. Nov.9, 09... He laughed at me and made fun of me. He says I am stupid, that I don't have a brain in my head. Because if I did I wouldn't be here. Is he right should i not be here. Am I stupid? I must be. Cause I'm still here. Jan. 22, 10... Tonight he put his hands around my throat and chocked me till I passed out. Would he have killed me? Will he kill me? Why are you still here Sammi, why are you still here? Because you love him. Mar.17, 10...He sat me down today and told me that he had a meeting with his family and told them that I was source of our problems and that he was being pushed to the point of beating me with in an inch of my life and leaving me for dead. He told his family that I was the source of the problem. Is he out of his fucking mind. May 30, 10....Today I have become the nasty disgusting whore he has been burdened with. And he tells me if it is the last thing he does when he is done with me no one will ever be able to love me again. I will be useless and used up. It almost feels like he has a plan and the plan is how to destroy me as a person. Like he actually has this planned out. Why am I still here? Because dear god I love him and I can't any longer understand why. So run Sammi run as fast and as far as you can...I can't, I just can't June 16, 11... He doesn't love you, he doesn't want you, he doesn't need you, He doesn't want to see you, He doesn't want to be hear you , nor does he want to be near you. So why the hell are you still here??????? Dec. 22, 11... I brought home a charlie brown tree so we would have a tree for christmas. He is so sick and he is so misserable. When he went out to the kitchen to look at it. I was so excited about this stupid little tree maybe bringing some happiness into our home. He looked at it and I heard him say. Stupid Bitch and he thru it in the trash can. I give up.. No more trying no more caring. I have got to get out of here. But he is so sick and I can't abandon him when he needs me most. Jan. 13, 12... He says he hates me and all of this is my fault. He can't even get out of bed he is so sick. And he is still trying to take me down with him..Why does he hate me so. I have waited on him hand and foot, changed the way I do everything to keep him happy and he still is hurting me even as he is dying. Feb. 25, 12.... Terry is so sick and I know he is going to die. He laid with his back to me today. And he said Sammi, I answered him with , what Baby and he said " Always remember for the rest of your life. That I love you and you are the best thing that has ever come into my life..Just remember that I will always love you..To late Terry, too late.... When he died on Feb.27.. All I could think of was why would he leave me with those words. Was he trying to fix it all before he left. Did he mean it? Did he know what he was doing was wrong and he wanted me to know despite it all he really did love me? I am so confused as to what I should think. I know now I should have left him a long time ago. I know I did everything I could to make him happy. But now how do i resolve all this in my heart. I can't find my way home. I can't find peace of mind. It is almost as if weven after death he is still torturing me... Posted on 05/15/12, 07:11 am |
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Yes PLEASE listen to Ilene. As you move through this, you will find, at least, I bet you find, because I did, that I learned SO many lessons from being with my abuser for almost 40 years, lessons that are near and dear, and that I wouldn't trade for anything. You can find that great beauty can be borne of tragedy, and you can have the most amazing rest of your life.
Love yourself. Just because he couldn't, doesn't lessen the fact that you are an amazing, beautiful woman, with the common thread of humanity running in your veins. End the power he had over you now, and begin to see yourself for who you REALLY are. big hugs.... 
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SMRK...it certainly isn't you...ask anyone who has been abused; it isn't about being weak or stupid. Anyone who is abused has the same story...we stayed despite what are mind told us. I was once told that society likes to blame the abused one for staying but it really isn't the abused person who sought out the abuse; it was the abuser who sought out someone who they were able to abuse. People who are abused are very loving individual's and loving does not equal weak or stupid. I'm not really sure it matter's if he loved you or not (but that is just my opinion and it is your's that truly matters here!) I believe that what is more important is if you love you. Fine, maybe you "shouldn't" have stayed, maybe you did take too much, maybe you knew all along but you did the best you knew to do at the time with the knowledge and support you had at the time...remember, we don't exactly advertise our abuse so it's hard to do it all alone, as most of us do. We rationalize, justify, and deny. In the end, most of us are left with a pile of questions and regret for not getting out sooner, if we are lucky enough to survive. Me...I have many important unanswered questions from my life so far. I place them in a bubble and release them to the universe. Maybe one day I'll have answers for them. Maybe not. Let go of him. Love yourself. Heal. Find your love for you again and let the pain go. Sometimes we need help from professionals. Do that if needed but don't dwell too long on if he loved you or not or if he was trying to torment you from the grave...none of those answers are necessary for you to love you. Take care, SMRK!!! Many hugs from this end!
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All of this is fantastic advice! Listen to these women!
For so many years, I didn't even know it was abuse. I thought he was having a bad day. a bad week. a bad month. a bad season. a bad job. there were lots of stretches of wonderfulness, where I thought we were the perfect couple. we laughed together, had some really good times... then he would rage, and always said it was because I 'drove him to it' or the asshole guys at work..or the assholes at the bank, and why didn't I stick up for him? was I on their side? and then right back to wonderfulness again... it was mind-boggling.
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you shared very personal details of yourself and that was brave. ((((hugs))))
Many of the things you said I too have asked myself, but I refuse to blame myself for being abused and neither should you. It wasn't your fault.
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I remember so clearly an argument with my stbx where I went through the same thoughts. He had gone inside the house, I stayed outside. He was throwing things around in the house. I kept saying over and over again MOVE move your feet leave Jennifer. Get out leave move and I couldn't move. I COULD NOT move.
I spent a year telling myself every night (almost) that tomorrow I was going to file for a divorce. I would wake up and have completely forgotten everything from the night before. Looking back I am shocked at the denial I was in, how strong my mind was in hiding the fear. I wrote stuff down and would read it later and not remember it!!! It does get better, I am having more days of forgiving myself less shame and anger than I did. I've been out 7 months now. Hang in there and definitely find a counsellor who can help with abuse issues. Take really good care of yourself, even if it's really hard to do.
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This has been so heavy on my heart. I don't understand why the lump in my throat will just not let go. I am over whelmed this morning with the saddness. It just boggles my mind. That I could look into those beautiful blue eyes and feel nothing but love and desire and a need to please. He can't take it back. He can't say he's sorry and mean it.
I tell him in my head everyday. You can't take this back now. You can't make this better, you can't change or alter the course of my decline with a simple I am so sorry Sammi. I didn't mean it Sammi. I was out of my head Sammi. maybe the reason I am so sad about this is just the simple finality of it all. You seperate from some one and at some point you can talk about it. You can try to come to a mutual understanding. You can agree to disagree. But I am stuck with this. I am stuck with the words he spoke to me. I am stuck with the intentions of his acts, the delibritness of his thoughts. I am fractured and shattered and so friggin lost. If i couldn't move on to save my own life from him. How can I move on from the hook he has in my soul.
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"""""""""""""""""""""""""" How can I move on from the hook he has in my soul.""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
You need on-the-ground help and support to do that. Are you willing to reach out, find and then utilize that kind of support?
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Sweetie, I am so sorry for what you have gone through, but if you still hear his (negative) voice in your head you need to work hard to get rid of it.
I found a therapist who worked with me, financially esp., and to whom I attribute saving my life. Abuse happens to the best, brightest and kindest of us. Why? Because we are exceptionally empathetic people who are marked as targets by abusers. If you continue to beat yourself up you are indeed just perpetuating the abuse and you deserve better, esp. after all you have been through. Time does not heal all wounds. Sometimes, esp. in the case of abuse, you have to meet it head on and systematically focus on reversing the effects. The only way to do that is through therapy, support, lots of self love, and lots of hard work. It took me 4+ years to truly overcome an 11 year abusive marriage. I still have to remain vigilant and attentive to myself every single day to be the best, parent, person and partner possible. Hugs to you for better days ahead...
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I don't believe any of us ever get the kind of closure you and we want.
The sincere apology, the concrete change. A users aren't capable of it. Dead or alive. You are grieving and some days SUCK and then other days aren't as bad. It's only been a few months since his passing, when someone we love dies it takes as long as it takes to grieve. Abusive relationships take time to heal/grieve from also. Please be patient and kind with/to yourself. I'm sorry for your pain, I know it well and it does lessen, in time. I don't know where I heard this quote but it gave me some peace- "Some pain you don't get over, you learn to live with it." I'm learning to live with my pain, and I'm grateful I don't have to repeat it. Please take good care of yourself and be gentle to you!! You deserve it. Light and love to you.
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How can one human being have had such an effect on another. I tried to hide. I stayed in my room for hours and sometimes days. Because he then could not inflict more injury. But if I would come out I would walk right into his web. He would say are you going to hide in there for ever or are you going to come out here and be a decent human being. You know act like a normal person. And I would think well maybe I should just hang with him and then he will be okay with me. And I won't have to stay hidden. I would walk right into his web every time. And then it would take me forever to escape his grip.
He changed me, the person I once was. He made me into some one I no longer like and no longer want to be. I was such a dissapointment to him. Now I am such a dissapointment to me. And right now the most confusing thing in my head. Is that as much as he belittled and embarrassed and hurt and controlled me. I kept loving him and trusting him to change and treat me kindly. I just really needed to be treated kindly. ( diary entry august 12 2010.) Today we sat and talked for a long time. It was almost like it should always be. Just me and him sitting quietly and talking about the things in life that have had big effects us. He told me about an abusive occurance in his youth. I told him about my mom. And the things she used to do to me. How abusive she was. And he was sympathetic. She should have never done that to you. She should have never said those things to you. She was a monster. He was calling my mom a monster. As if he was some how different then her. Then he asked about my dad. I told him about the incest. Because I some how think I can trust him trust him with this very private and hurtful history. Was nice to get to sit and talk with him. ( diary entry Oct.16 2010 ) I knew it. Deep down inside I knew it. He has taken the information I shared with him about dad and is now using it as a weapon against me. When will I ever learn that I can not trust this man. When will I ever learn that he has no limits, no limits on the amount or intensity of pain he is willing to inflict on me. I never learned, I never learned the lessons that were be taught to me. That he had absolutely no limits as to how hurtful he would be. The things he would say to this day, my brain screams every time I think of his words. Who says that to another person and thinks it's okay? Who does that.......No one will ever know..the depth...no one will ever know........
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