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OH THE CONFUSION! Having second thoughts !!!
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I've just posted this in my journal, but have decided that perhaps it would be better to post here as I could use all the support I can get right now...I don't want to have second thoughts about my decision to leavel...
Okay, in the 15 years we've been married, he's failed to remember our wedding anniversary EVERY year!!!! And every year I've had this tiny bit of hope inside me, thinking maybe this year he'll make it up to me. Of course he's never appologized to me EVER!!!!!! Appologies are something he doesn't do because he's never wrong and everyone else is. So I really don't get what just happened. I'm feeling a bit anxious and even confused. Out of the blue he phones me and says "so I know what day it is tomorrow and I'm looking for ideas from you, what do you want?" I mean, WTF????? So I'm thinking should I milk him for what I can get or should I just ask for something small????? So I told him I don't know what I want, maybe just give me some time to think about it...so he says no, he wants ideas now do I want a box of chocolates? And I'm thinking screw you....a box of chocolates for 16 years of agony!?!?! As far as I'm concerned, he owes me much, much more than that! Any way, that's the price range he's looking at so now I really don't give a rats ass what he gets me or even if he gets me anything....I DON'T CARE!!! Any way, I suggested we go have dinner out in a nice restaurant...then he goes on about this restaurant's too expensive and that one's not cheap blah blah blah, so then I suggested take out for supper (at least I won't have to cook!!!) Any way, I don't know what his plans are and I don't care just so long as I don't have to cook for him. Then I'm sitting by the phone thinking maybe I've been too hasty in wanting to leave, maybe he's actually trying to change for the better? Then I start feeling guilty for having spoken to the social worker about how cruel and mean he is....hmmmmmmm!!!!!!! Now I'm thinking screw him, he's evil and he's had 21 years of 'second chances' so as far as I'm concerned, he doesn't deserve any more chances. Obviously he knows that I've changed, maybe I'm not responding in my usual manner to his abuse, but he definately must know that something's up???!!!??? Either he's trying desperately to restore my faith in him or when tomorrow comes, he'll just forget our anniversary anyway because that's what he does...builds me up to break me down! I guess only tomorrow will tell what his real agenda is. Posted on 05/03/12, 08:16 am |
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"""""""""""""""""Then I'm sitting by the phone thinking maybe I've been too hasty in wanting to leave, maybe he's actually trying to change for the better?""""""""""""""""""""
Yes. He's an abuser sensing he's about to lose his victim. If you believe him, and drop your plans for a better life. . . . your future life with him will be worse than any hell you've lived so far. How to respond: Smile and say thanks for a box of candy. Remember: you're a POW planning an escape. So ---- that's how you act toward your captors. Smile and say, "Gee, thanks." Then, when the lights are out, keep digging the escape tunnel. If you believe him, your life will get worse and worse and worse. 
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So, he's finally remembered and wants to show you he remembered.
But does he feel horrible and is he apologetic about the years he forgot? It doesn't sound like it.
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YES!
POW. escape!!! they DO pick up on things are suddenly SO NICE and caring (when they feel you getting strong. when they suddenly notice hope in your eyes and a spring in your step, when they sense that you aren't in as much fear as you generally should be).. remember to look dull, sad, tired, around him...wear your ugliest, darkest clothes in front of him and appear weak (when he's not home, take your vitamins and do push ups, and think good thoughts!) did you ever see the movie-sleeping with the enemy? (a woman leaving her crazy, abusive husband)..she pretended to volunteer at a library, while taking swimming lessons and overcoming her fear of water..went the beach and smashed a light..got in her husbands sail boat with him, pretended to be her usual scared self, 'fell out of the boat' at night, swam to the broken light part of the beach..ran home, cut her hair (I think, saw the movie years ago).. and she escaped to a different town, new name..etc... a little over top. but that's how you have to think. you are sleeping with the enemy.
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Keep planning to get out. I agree with Rachel. This anniversary thing is just that - a thing to reel you back in.
Hopefully in the near future you'll be able to celebrate your own anniversary - the day you finally said enough and left him. Then you can spare no expense and celebrate however you want! Stay strong!
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At the end of your post you said I guess only tomorrow will tell what his real agenda is. I realize most of your post is about the anniversary, but that sentence sounds like something I used to do "WAIT for HIM". 16 years of marriage and additional years prior.... Sounds like you have waited your fair share....
I know there is always that hope and I have had it too and maybe sometimes I still get a glimpse of it when he contacts me but it's always that set up...he is as sweet as pie then knocks me down. He is never wrong and doesn't see what he is doing as wrong. He also uses excuses to get back in my good graces and when I don't fall for it his typical response is "ok if this is what you really want I will leave you alone" but he still hasn't left me alone in the past 3 1/2 years. I always went back. Now I am not going back and even so I don't think he cares about me anyways, it would just be a I conquered her and won sort of thing. And the cycle would repeat. I don't know much of your story so I don't have any real advice except don't forget what has already occurred. It won't change in th blink of any eye. The reason I know that for sure is because when I try to change things about myself, it doesn't happen over night and not only does it take work and practice, I have to be aware of what it is I need to change and actually want to change. same goes for our abusers.m they have to want it. Some do some don't, My dad abused my mom in all ways imagined. They split up for awhile and got back together. I'm sure he said all the right things but he didn't change. My mom stayed for an additional two years and then she was so done. He went to some counseling for co dependency and anger management but he stil, is abusive in other ways. He is older now and has been married to his wife for 20 years. The last time they Visited, he told her to shut up and let him talk. This was about two years ago. If it has been today, I would have stood up to him and made him leave my house. Basically he is teaching my kids that it is ok to disrespect women. It is not ok to disrespect anyone. I hope me telling a little about my story that shows connection to yours, helps you in your journey to make the right decisions for your life. Think about all the wonderful things you have been missing out on.....life has a lot to offer us and no one has the right to take those things away.
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Funny you said that Ilene, I've often thought of it just that way.
You are a POW, Ings, don't forget that. Listen to these great ladies!! They KNOW!! As do I. Just consider all of our replies like secret messages from the outside of the armed encampment. We're giving you soul food and pieces of a map to help you through!
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Oh, and I find it rather fitting that the Universe decided to give you a helping hand on the day before your anniversary. I don't believe in coincidences. SOMETHING is telling you that its okay to close the door on this relationship. This is the end!
So, let him get you whatever he wants. Let him finally hand you a gift, even if its chocolates. Enjoy each one and display pure, unadulterated joy with each bite, knowing that the Universe stands behind your decision and is rewarding you for taking action to get away from this man. HE doesn't have to know why you are really happy!!
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As I read each and every one of your replies, I could not hold back the tears...I cried so hard not because I'm saddened by the choice that I have to make (my mind's made up already, I don't want to spend any more time than I absolutely have to with him). But it was tears of joy! I've cried tears of joy twice in 2 days!! I consider myself truly blessed and lucky to have people like you, who know what I'm going through, here to support me and encourage me and give me that "much needed kick up the jack every now and again!"
I am a very stubborn person (something that was psychologically "beaten" out of me many years ago by my captor) and that stubborness, determination has come back........I am more determined now than ever that I WILL ESCAPE!!!! I know that I will have my moments of weakness because when he's nice, he's super nice and he does know how to press my buttons and which ones to press when.....but thanks to all of you, I know that I can beat him. That light just keeps getting brighter and I don't ever want to lose sight of it again..... Oh, and just by the way........he bought me a box of chocolates!!! The one thing I said I DIDN'T want!!!! ha ha ha why's that no surprize? :)) So I just smiled and said thank you.
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Bit late here on my comment, but yeah, trying to rope you back in. The morning after I told my ex I wanted a divorce, I woke up next to a stranger. For a change, he was showered, shaved and dressed on time for us to leave. Made me a cup of coffee (LOL)! Called me sweetie a lot. Didn't surf the web until the moment we ran out the door. And was just generally wonderful. It sure took the strength out of him, though, he could only keep it up for a few hours. Don't think of today. Think of the last 16 years. Happy anniversary. And tell him it's not to late for him to go and buy you a big diamond! Or some government bonds! LOL Oh, and when he sees you standing firm, his true colors will shine through in no time!
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you said its hard when he turns up the mr nice guy because he can be super nice and charming. May i point out to you that actually he is neither.
His charm was to get you a gift on your anniversary, his charm was for you to feel hope and to pick you up and make you feel special. He ended up getting you a box of chocolates that u didnt even want and yet again got your hopes up and just dropped you crashing back down to earth, this guy deep down is not super nice, not really and when you leave (so glad you are still focused on that by the way), you will see that when he was what seemed to be nice and super charming, he was also super cruel to you as well.
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