Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I see this all the time on the board, abuse victims wondering whether they are "just too sensitive", thus negating the abuse they have suffered. I have responded a few times today but wanted to put something, just my own thoughts, in a separate thread (which will, of course, be a bit repetitive of what I've said elsewhere).
Firstly, I want to say that in my view, sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited. Secondly, who gets to decide how much sensitivity is enough, how much is too much, how much is not enough? It doesn't make sense to me that anyone could be too much of a good thing.
That said, even if there is some kind of objective "sensitivity limit" beyond which we are deeply flawed individuals ... surely it is the responsibility of someone who loves and cherishes us to be, themselves, sensitive to our "flaw" and so avoid exploiting it. If I have a nut allergy, wouldn't I expect my loving partner to be very careful to avoid having nuts around? Would it really be my fault if I went into anaphylactic shock after he prepared a meal for me containing peanuts, knowing of my allergy? Just because someone else would have been fine after eating the meal doesn't make my (physical) reaction my fault.
The same goes for emotional sensitivity. If someone calls me stupid or ugly, or lays a guilt trip on me, or is in some other way hurtful, is it really my fault that I'm hurt by it? Especially if that someone is my partner who professes to love me and who knows that I am sensitive and easily hurt, and who knows that I have self esteem issues? No it is not. That loving partner should be trying to build my self esteem, should be reassuring me, should be working with me not against me.
Abusers use this line a lot, as one of the most common weapons in their armoury, to avoid taking any responsibility for their actions. They say or do something hurtful, then turn around and say we are "too sensitive" and that's why we are hurt by their hurtful words or actions. But it's rubbish. The cause of our hurt is their hurtful words or actions, not our sensitivity.
I'll say it again, because I believe it to be absolutely true. Sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited.
Firstly, I want to say that in my view, sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited. Secondly, who gets to decide how much sensitivity is enough, how much is too much, how much is not enough? It doesn't make sense to me that anyone could be too much of a good thing.
That said, even if there is some kind of objective "sensitivity limit" beyond which we are deeply flawed individuals ... surely it is the responsibility of someone who loves and cherishes us to be, themselves, sensitive to our "flaw" and so avoid exploiting it. If I have a nut allergy, wouldn't I expect my loving partner to be very careful to avoid having nuts around? Would it really be my fault if I went into anaphylactic shock after he prepared a meal for me containing peanuts, knowing of my allergy? Just because someone else would have been fine after eating the meal doesn't make my (physical) reaction my fault.
The same goes for emotional sensitivity. If someone calls me stupid or ugly, or lays a guilt trip on me, or is in some other way hurtful, is it really my fault that I'm hurt by it? Especially if that someone is my partner who professes to love me and who knows that I am sensitive and easily hurt, and who knows that I have self esteem issues? No it is not. That loving partner should be trying to build my self esteem, should be reassuring me, should be working with me not against me.
Abusers use this line a lot, as one of the most common weapons in their armoury, to avoid taking any responsibility for their actions. They say or do something hurtful, then turn around and say we are "too sensitive" and that's why we are hurt by their hurtful words or actions. But it's rubbish. The cause of our hurt is their hurtful words or actions, not our sensitivity.
I'll say it again, because I believe it to be absolutely true. Sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited.
i have been living by that for a while but with PTSD, i dont think the approach is for me.
im wondering what you have to say to that way of looking at things.
I do think that, as part of the healing and recovery process from abuse, we do need to learn to validate ourselves, rather than needing it so much from outside. We also need to work at raising our self-esteem so that when someone says or does something hurtful we can consider the source and then CAN just write it off without letting it get through. But that is NOT the same thing as saying that it's our fault if it does get through. Also, I honestly don't know that it's really possible to do any of that properly while still living with abuse, or even in the early stages of recovery.
Abuse injures the psyche. And just like if you break your leg, eventually you need to walk on it to restrengthen the muscles etc, but you can't do that at the time you injure it or for some time after. And I really don't think we can effectively rebuild our psyche or our self-esteem, nor learn to self-validate, while being constantly beaten down.
I totally agree. While I think it's important for us to try develop a thick skin for our own protection, there is also no reason why we should have to put up with rude remarks from people masked as "honesty." Even if I'm fat, it's still rude of someone to say it to me. I'm not in the business of going around pointing out peoples' flaws or labeling them in some way and then thinking that they should be less sensitive.
Nowadays I'm not willing to put up with it. People might want to call me oversensitive but if I think someone is rude, I simply wont be around them.
And how the abuser likes to frame it as sensitivity - not the truth, as in, we need to get some self esteem and self validation in order to sift through their crazy making cruelty!
I agree that this is very hard in the early stages of recovery and awareness. Again thank you all for a great thread at a time my abuser is trying to drag me emotionally/mentally/spiritually back into his brain washing. thank you
Thanks for addressing this issue.
However, I have no intention of isolating myself from everybody in order to prevent people from taking advantage of me, in fact I have found it important in my own process of getting over abuse to find people that I can be completely open with.
One idea that is very important for me is the idea that I don't 'need' anybody's approval but my own, although I do find that the support and validation from people that I have learned to trust is very important for me.
And there I think lies the key, it is all about learning to identify people who are trustworthy. With other people who I do not think I can trust completely, I am learning to maintain a distance in these relationships by not giving importance in my own mind to their words and actions towards me.
As regards sensitivity it is important for me to remain fully aware of the potential invalidating effects of people's words and actions while working on not letting myself be affected by them.
In the case of a person who I have decided to put my trust in, the detection of invalidating comments and actions would be a RED FLAG, warning me that I need to have some distance in my relationship with this person.
I know it is hard but to remain fully aware of the potential effects of subtly abusive behavior while at the same time boosting up my self esteem so I am less affected by such behavior is my goal here.
to alert us to pain and enable
us to enjoy pleasure.
Abusers are de-sensitized.
They have lost the healthy
ability to feel within and
to feel appreciate what
others are feeling.
Feel.
Feel, feel, feel.
It's healthy.
Being sensitive is healthy.
Be sensitive. It's healthy.
The accusation of being "too sensitive" is another method of abuse and control. The person wants you to doubt yourself, to doubt the validity of your feelings.