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How do you find closure with no contact?
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It is getting closer to the August 2 target date for leaving my husband and I am wondering how do you find closure if you leave while they are at work and you move to another state? I am getting a lot of anxiety now as it gets closer. I feel guilty about the way I plan to leave, although, I know it is best. It seems cowardly and deceitful but I know I am too weak to do it face to face and have to deal with his crying and begging and hear how much he loves me. For those of you already on the otherside, how do you find closure if you maintain no contact?
Posted on 06/08/10, 02:21 pm
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Reply #1 - 06/08/10  4:26pm
" I am probably not the person to answer this, as I am still not 'on the outside'.....but I think that you need to find closure within yourself. As victims we are constantly being told that we are unworthy or unable to make these decisions for ourselves. We are told that we are not smart enough, not equipped. But it's that very need we have to seek validation from others....that very need that puts us in, or keeps us in the victim's seat. I think we need to take a deep breath and jump into the water, trusting in our instincts to swim and survive. You are making such a brave statement by leaving....you just need to have faith in yourself and come to terms with yourself. Your abuser will never give you the closure you need. His only power is the one he has to make you spin.....and he will, if given the chance. Good luck and congratulations on the move. "
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Reply #2 - 06/08/10  4:30pm
" I would have to say yea, your going to have to find peace within yourself.

Think about it. As much as we would love to have the satisfaction of getting the closure we want from our abusers, they are just that : abusers. They arent going to give us the closure we need. What we are missing because of them - "
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Reply #3 - 06/08/10  6:02pm
" For me I had to accept he was never going to "get " it, I could have talked until I was purple with green polka dots and he is/was still never going to hear or understand anything I said unless it was what he wanted me to say.

Life is so peaceful with no contact ( it does take time) but eventually it is. "
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Reply #4 - 06/08/10  7:11pm
" I had to create my own closure. One that I could live with. I knew that I would not get the closure that I deserved after 18 years of marriage. Hell, I did not get the marriage I deserved FOR 18 years. Create your own closure.That way you will have the closure that you deserve instead of another lie, another bullshit tactic, or more damage to your self esteem. "
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Reply #5 - 06/08/10  8:41pm
" I think you get closure in just accepting that you need to move on, and doing that. I called the cops on my abusive ex over 2 monthes ago, and he went to jail and is still in there.... I had absolutely no closure! At first it really bothered me, but as time goes by I see myself getting over it, and just accepting it for what it was. Part of me has things i would like to say to him, but that has mostly faded with time. None of those things you could say do much good, you just need to move on with your life and worry about you now, not him. "
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Reply #6 - 06/08/10  9:57pm
" Closure comes from you. Not him. If you seek it from him you will never attain it. It is when you accept that it happened. Accept that it was not your fault, Accept that you cannot change/fix him, and accept that your going to be better without him. Closure is in the acceptance of the past, and the foresight not to victimized again in the future. "
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Reply #7 - 06/08/10  11:59pm
" What they said.

I tried to get closure by talking to him. I tried to explain how I felt. I tried and tried and tried and tried. And one day, I worked out that he was never, ever going to get it. And that realisation, coupled with acceptance of who and what he is and of the fact that he was never going to give me any kind of validation or closure, all of that is what gave me what I needed. And that's when I found it easy to cut off contact as well.

Accept what has happened, accept who he is and what that means to you, and accept that you truly deserve better, and then turn your back and let him be. Get your own closure by living YOUR life. "
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Reply #8 - 06/09/10  10:09am
" Thank you all!!! I see now that closure will have to come from within myself. Not with him.
This really helps.

Hugs to all of you! "

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