What is Physical Emotional Abuse
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) or is unlawful or wrongful....
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So I'm visiting my parents...
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I love seeing my siblings because we're really close and they're amazing. But my parents exhibited every type and subset of emotional abuse (including some physical abuse) throughout my childhood. We confronted them about it earlier this year and while I don't think it will do much in the long run, I at least feel earlier about visiting.
So while talking to my visiting uncle about how I used to outsource sock mating to my younger siblings when I was about 7 or 8 (they were 5 and 6...I know, I know), my mom walked in and said "Are you sure it was you who were abused as a kid, and not you abusing your siblings?" My sister recently said to me that when I came home a year or so after going to college and dealt with a disagreement between two of them in a rational way, she realized that she'd never seen an adult be rational and gentle about conflict before. So what my mom said is completely and totally unreasonable and I'm PISSED!!! I plan to talk to her about this tomorrow, but I'm not sure what to say. Any ideas? Posted on 11/07/09, 02:11 am |
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Abusers don't see error in their ways. And since they are 'blameless', they will point the finger at anyone else but themselves when confronted. Your mother has already done this to you, by planting the seed of doubt that maybe YOU are the real abuser. It is completely shameful, but sadly expected. I'm afraid trying to reason with an abusive personality won't get you anywhere, and will only get you more of the same - abuse. The best thing to do with an abuser is to disengage emotionally, or cut them off completely.
You can still meet with your siblings outside of the abusive environment of course! Your siblings are not used to a reasonable voice, so it was foreign to them, imagine that! Hopefully, they too will realize that what they were brought up with was abnormal, and distance themselves from it as well. 
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AMen to that calmzone it was wat i was going to say i loved my dad so much but i cant get over wat he did to me
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My mother was also abusive and again I couldn't agree more with calm. I actually ended up having a reasonable relationship with her by doing just that - disengaging (after spending 5 years not talking to her). I stopped letting what she said upset me. She was who she was, she wasn't going to change or understand (she did improve a lot - but never really changed). So when she got abusive - particularly once I had the baby - I just walked away till she calmed down.
Don't try to explain to her, you'll only cause yourself more pain.
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I think it's okay to share your experience with her using "I" messages, but be prepared for the fact that she most probably will not validate your feelings or acknowledge/apologize your pain.
I had to do with my mom and it was very healing to share this with her, but I went in knowing in all probability that she was respond by either blaming me or making herself the victim (I was right).
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You have good advice here, to which I can only add:
KUDOS to you for breaking this cycle, and committing to not carrying on this abuse in your own life. KUDOS to you for the example you set for your sibling, and the hope and clarity you bring to them. Many hugs.
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