Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

I read one of your replies here that said, he is a really goos guy. he is NOT a good guy. He is a very good illusionist. he makes you think he is a good guy. it doesnt matter if he chokes you once or once a dday. a man who physically grabs a part of you is bad, violent, a man who slaps you, kicks you, punches you, pinches you is mean, dangerous, demeaning...a man who goes for an area of your body to limit or interupt your air supply is DEADLY. make no mistake he can and will kill you if he continues to escalate. You can not fix him, he isnt making strides of any kind if this is what he has done. maybe he took 5 steps forward in tha past months but by grabbing you neck he took 100 back! I too agree with someone else who said read the statistics more women die at the hands of their spouses every year than by Heart attack, cancer, or other known illnesses. Their only mistake???? Thinking he would never go that far. Love yourself enough not to become a notch on the statistical bedpost.

As everyone is telling you, you are in DANGER. This is a deeply disturbed DANGEROUS person. You don't see it, but we do. There's a reason, we are not in the relationship for him to effect us.

I noticed in your profile you say you are codependent...doubtful! He's got you under his spell, you are traumatically bonded to him. He has total control over you. You may not think so, but you're in a prison without walls. You THINK you can't live without him right now, but if you get away and get some real help, you will wonder HOW you ever lived with him.

This has nothing to do with a 'defect' in you. It hurts to see such an adorable, intellectual, kind young woman to be subjected to this monster. What he's doing is criminal - the physical abuse, not to mention the mind control, manipulation, mental cruelty...etc..

Get yourself into some counseling, reach out to a DV shelter...you need to get some REAL perspective of the trouble you're truly in.

Please get away from him now before you do 'lose yourself' completely and become a statistic.

Kelly,
When I read this I knew I HAD to write you. First, of course was the story you told and the things you wrote in your profile. Before I address those however was the second reason I had to reply ~ the time of your post (11:11) is a number I am somehow connected to. Don't ask why or how I know, but for years before my life changed from wonderful to a nightmare, I saw these numbers everywhere. And it was getting really creepy cos it was at least once a day, but usually both times, I would glance at the clock and catch 11:11 no matter where I was ~ even my family was starting to think it was bizarre. However, that is just a side note.

I was happily married for over 10 years to a man who was also my best friend. Every year we celebrated our anniversary, we loved to laugh, read, listen to music and just be together. He made me feel good about myself, supported me in my endeavors and we had many of the same interests, sense of humor, etc. My family adored him and he adored my family. He had his faults, like everyone does (including me) but when we argued, we stuck to the issue - sometimes we worked it out, sometimes we compromised and sometimes we just agreed to disagree, But NEVER did either of us threaten violence, divorce, emotional abandonment nor did we ever resort to character assassination, name calling or anything else that would hurt each other, either physically or emotionally. Why? Because that's what love is ~ when you truly love someone, the last thing you want to do to that person is cause fear, pain, insecurity or mistrust. You would never want to see that person cry, lose their smile, spirit, dreams, optimism, happiness or their SELF. Somehow though, I got lost.

The man I am now married to is the exact opposite. He is cruel, cold-hearted, manipulative, selfish yet insecure, and has no capacity for empathy at all. I remember when I first met him & we were having a dumb argument and I knew the reason he was calling me those names during a fight was because HE had issues, HE was insecure and he needed to build himself up in his eyes by breaking my down. So at first, I just listened in disbelief trying to read between the lines so I could "fix" the reason he acted that way. Didn't work that way. He had 'reasons' for acting that way, terrible childhood, abusive father, the woman he thought was his mother sexually abused him (he later found out his biological mother died when he was a few months old. Plus he was diagnosed with a terminal illness for which there's no treatment or cure. But regardless. it doesn't matter how awful your childhood is, you rise above it.

He treated me great at first, of course. During one of our first fights, he had his little put down tantrums and I just stared in disbelief. At on point he asked "Don't you ever cry? You see, this was his goal. But I thought I could help him learn to love.

When I was 5 months pregnant he threw me down on the couch & choked me till I almost blacked out. Then he dragged me by my hair into the kitchen, set a carving knife in my lap and said "you better kill me now cos' one of us is gonna die tonight". All this with his 2 year old son sleeping just 20 feet away (it was a studio apt). He sat there talking nasty swallowing handfuls of xanax and I remember trembling, scared to death thinking "please let him pass out". I was torn between wanting him to overdose & die because half of me wanted to be free ("if you leave me I'll track you down & kill you & your family too" he used to say) and fear if he did what terror his son would go through waking up to find his daddy dead. Long story short, like an idiot I stayed. In doing so I have lost my smile (which I also had all the time), my hopes & dreams, my spirit, my laugh, my health, my love of life, my SELF. My daughter is six now and has known nothing but fighting and screaming, and I am terrified that is how she's going to grow up believing a man should treat a woman. My heart used to know no hate. He taught me that. I was strong, happy, fought for right and stood up for the underdog. Now I feel shame, regret, inadequacy, stupidity, hopelessness, despair. I feel a deep sense of failing my baby girl, the most important person in my life and in fact the only reason I go on every day. I think of who would be best to raise her if I get to the point that I can't take anymore. I think about death, think about how to best achieve it. I grieve the years of my baby's life I have already missed. I grieve the years I would miss if I can't find myself again ~ first crush, first dance, slumber parties, graduation, wedding, seeing her become a Mama... Please, from someone as patient, optimistic and forgiving as you ~ only he can change, and that's something that will take a lot of time and a LOT of work. And maybe he will. And if he does & you were meant to be, it will happen. But please don't risk losing what makes you who you are trying to please him because until he knows HOW to love he will never be able to GIVE you love. Pray for him, support him from afar if you must, but don't risk losing yourself or the well-being of a possible child ~ these are things you CAN'T get back. I know it is hard, I know how painful it is to love someone who doesn't know how to love you the way you deserve but YOU can't teach him and NO ONE is worth losing yourself. I really miss who I was, I miss my smile. I don't know if I've ever be able to find it again.

I will pray for you ~ you are a beautiful person and as one who has seen both types of relationships, please believe me when I tell you that you deserve the first, loving, healthy kind. Pain only fades if you stop touching the thing that's hurting you...

Take Care & Good Luck ~
Hugs, Nicole

You have such a beautiful smile...he will take that away on you...he will keep hurting until that smile is no more..until you feel no more...until you go through life merely day to day..just surviving..just existing. The beautiful person you are will be gone..you will lose yourself. He won't stop...he will only keep hurting more and destroying the beautiful person that you are!!