Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Juts like your name, clearpath, it sounds like you know exactly what to do. Is there a benefit to you to wait on a divorce? Would you give him 18 months to two years of therapy to see if he has really changed?

I stayed with my abusive ex-husband for waaaay too long waiting and hoping he would change for our child's sake. In the long run my son became abusive to me as well. I understand your heart aching for your child, wanting to keep a marriage together for them but ultimately sometimes you have to put yourself first. By removing them from an abusive relationship you have taught them that it is not right or healthy, in my mind more important than marriages are all happily ever after.

Hugs to you, hon, I so know how you feel...

It's always so individual as to what to do. I would stay away, if he really is committed to change and you want that, then see him from time to time but with your antennae tuned for hints of who he was. Mine tried the same, but fortunately for me, showed his true colours soon enough.

Listen to your heart, and follow it. As has been said so many times, your kids are better off in a split family than an abusive one. Don't let him use them as a tool against you like that.

Hi clear -----

Here are my thoughts:

He's doing what abusive people who are losing their control, do.
(And by the way ----- it's not up to him to "give" you a divorce. That's archaic terminology. If a party desires a divorce, she or he applies for a divorce and the courts move through a legal process. Him "giving" you a divorce is like when someone says about a spouse, he "let" me take college courses.)

If you want to make sure you've done everything you can possibly do before you dissolve this abusive marriage, then separate while he's getting therapy. Interact around child care and nothing else for at least a year. Then "date" for half a year. During any of that time, if there's even a whiff of controlling, manipulative or abusive behavior from him, proceed through divorce. And by a "whiff," I really mean, ZERO TOLERANCE.

Those are my thoughts, if you want to leave no stone unturned. Otherwise, get your divorce NOW. Because ultimately, the pecentage of probability of an abuser getting totally reprogrammed to be non-abusive, is ZILCH.

Best to you. Take care of yourself and be well.

Ilene

Never listen to what they say, "listen" to what they DO.

I suspect you did not come to this decision lightly, clear. Ilene's right, he's still making controlling statements - he'd 'give' you a divorce.

In the instance that someone is serious about trying to change, they don't put conditions on it. They go away, for a long time, and a lot of work, without the help of those they injured. Even then the chances of changing are close to nil. Especially in the case of the personality disordered, that's a big zero.

I say, listen to your head ~ your brain is throwing up all of these caution signs for a reason. Think of the past trauma he created, think of how long it took you to get to this point, and then think of the statistics that say change is unlikely.

Your children will be better off with ONE healthy parent, rather than one healthy plus one dysfunctional.
Take good care!

They all get up under all skin like that when we're ready to leave, don't they? But it is your decision and it sounds like for so many years that you were with him that you were catering to his decisions and even now. He's playing on the fact that you have are heart and you are caring individual so he can get back in and control. You've probably read dozens of times just like I have that these guys do not change. But it really sounds like you would go back for everybody but yourself and even then being with an abuser isn't good for the kids. I understand the tight spot you r in. But it seems like you DO know what you want to do and it's not be with him. Don't let him manipulate his way back into your life.

Take care. We're here for you!

If he is so willing to do what he has to to have you and the family back, why hasnt he done it already? what is he waiting for? IF he was sincere, he would have made an effort to do this, he'd BE in councilling, not talking about it, empty promises are what your getting. .Talk is cheap.

Thank you all so very much. Your insights are invaluable to me right now. Ilene, I like your idea of separation for one year while he goes to counseling and then date for 6 months after that. If I feel any type of abuse then that will be it.

I have to ask myself if that's what I really want or would I be giving him this chance for everyone else, like you said clearbreak. But hello!!! that's me, mrs. sacrifice everything for everyone else and forget myself. He IS using the kids b/c he won't back down with the time. He insists on having them 3 days and me 4. You would think that if he would do ANYTHING then he would back off and not be so insistent on that.

I think that I'd be willing to sacrifice that time so as to be 100% sure for my children's sake. I've been struggling for so very long and have thought at times that I would literally break down, like seriously have a nervous break down. I ache for my children, especially the baby, when they are not with me. This is all so mind numbing and I have been trained to be unsure and UNclear.

My stbx is a biologist and he works with animals and has always been into animal behavior. I asked him if he thought he had me figured out and if he had been trying to "condition me" and he said yes! He said that he was trying to train me into being the person he thought I should be! I always told him that I felt like a dog being trained. That is so pitiful.

I think that he's hoping I'll say ok and then move back with him right away. Nope.

It'll be interesting to see what he thinks about this idea. I'll keep you all posted .

This is so hard to handle, thanks again.

Do NOT listen to him. Please. Its very dangerous. Abusers DO NOT and NEVER WILL change. EVER. Simple as that.

Hey, I will just say a few things:

1. well done! what a massive step you have made!

2. If he can be so reasonable now, say all the right things now, suddenly, the light goes on when you tel him what he did... why on earth couldn't he do that before? He was trying to condition you? Traion you to how he thought you should be? Well, what's the reason he's sudenly decided it's wrong? Is it because he thought off his own back, "oh my goodness. What a sick, horrible person I have been to my loving, caring, amazing wife. How much I wish I could turn back the clock and show her that she is beautiful!" I'm afraid, that isn't why he's being so reasonable now. Objectivity tells me so. It's because you told him you are going to leave and flick! the switch flicks. which makes it just even worse.

3. talking to him. telling him how you feel. being "reasonable". doesn't usually get you anywhere. in fact, it just gives him more to try to "condition". it gives him more to study and to use. I'm sorry. keep your cards close to your chest as much as possible. or he will use it against you.

4. you said something really important in your post. that you've fallen out of love. that you're doing this not because of whether he will change but because of how you feel. that you don't even know that, if he changed, you'd want to be married to him. Three statements which tell me that you don't want this person in your life anymore because they have sapped so much from you that even though you might love them, you cannot be in love with them and you do not want to be because of what they have done. you should listen to that part of your heart and ignore the other consequences because you, YOU, are the person most important here in order that you can be happy in yourself and do right for your children by being happy.
I sometimes think that I feel those things too. even if he changes, will i be able to love himand be with him again? I'm honestly not sure. the wounds do not just heal from someone who claimed to love you so much and who hurt you so much. deeper than any other pain. and much more tricky to overcome because you don't realise a lot o of what they did until you walk away...

Please. look after yourself. and be ware of him. he who likes to condition and focus on other people's behaviours has more than one way of playing the game. he may well just be playing another way, seeing what happesn now that he's not in control. can he get you back? can he /2re-condition you? do you really want that in your life? you don't, you already said so. My thoughts are with you.

I agree Seperate and if he shows he can/will "change" (Which I highly doubt) then get back together. he needs to show his worth, he needs to prove otherwise. You dont owe him anything. My feeling is once you taste the freedom of living "free" of him you wont care to give him a chance