What is Physical Emotional Abuse
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) or is unlawful or wrongful....
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I'm ashamed of what I'm about to say so might as well come out and say it. I'm thinking of meeting up with him this weekend. he's been kind and nice over the phone for 2 months or so now, ever since we decided we would talk. he stopped being threatening or anything like that.but i'm not really going to justify it here because there isn't really any point - what he will do he will do and i may well be wrong. i'm scared i might be.
but, if i do decide to meet up with him, what are other people's experiences? how long are they nice for? when do you see the signs that they haven't changed and what are they? ar they different from the time before because they know the things you'll be looking for? i'm sorry to ask this question. i know so many of you have told me that your experiences were worse the second time and, that you wouldn't wish it upon anyone. but, if i do think he's showing enough change for me to meet u pwith him, i want to try and be safe. run away before things got too hard. at the same time i imagine that, if he hasn't changed, when he says he would let me go now if i wanted to just walk away, that he might well not and i might go through all of the things i've been through with him coming to my house and staying there all night and threatening to kill himself etc. thanks. sorry. Posted on 10/30/09, 06:10 pm |
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Love shouldn't be this much of a struggle, and I know you've been struggling for quite some time ~ stuck in 'the loop' so to speak.
Nobody can tell you what to do, silent. If you meet up with him, you know what can possibly happen to you emotionally to say the least. It's your choice. My only advice at this point is that if you do meet, make it a VERY public place. 
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I agree with calm ... like most of us here, I went through the same thing, thinking what if he HAS changed, shouldn't I give him a chance to prove himself. In my case, I found out pretty quickly that he hadn't changed. He was still all about the effort I should make to mend our relationship.
If you need to meet with him, do so, but like calm said, make it a public place, and be on the lookout for ANY signs that he is not making the effort. Don't let him make it about what effort you are going to make, or the toll this is all taking on him. If he tries that, the guilt and all, then he hasn't changed. To me, that's probably the key sign to look out for - him making you feel bad for not making enough of an effort to fix the problem he caused. As for how long they stay nice - I think that depends on the person and the circumstances. Good luck whichever way you decide to go. Just make sure that if you do meet up with him, it's because YOU want to, not because you feel you should, or because you will feel bad for him if you say no, or because you think it would be unfair on him to say no, or any of it. If it's any of those reasons, he is just manipulating you again.
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Ok, I'll tell you about the second time around. I was married to this guy for 10 years. An alcoholic,and verbal abuser. I got out when things got to the point that he was becoming physical (he trashed the house,made threats to hurt me,etc.) Got a divorce.
I had a nice ,happy,sane life for 5 years without him. He rarely crossed my mind. Then I get a letter from him- out of the blue. Said all the right things. That he'd changed,and all that good stuff. So.. I agreed to meet him in a PUBLIC place. He was so sweet,so nice,said the things I wanted to hear... So... we got back together. We've been remarried for 4 years now. He did NOT change. If anything,he got WORSE. Now I am trying to get out-for GOOD. I am SO miserable. Please listen to your GUT and not your heart,silentstrength! Don't let him reel you back in to all that mess.Don't end up in a situation you'll regret. Stay strong. Blessings~ Pam
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Your thread is titled:
What might happen? Probably not anything you WANT to happen. You fell in love with someone who showed himself to be TOXIC. The chance that somehow, he suddenly is no longer toxic is less than the likelihood of a minor miracle. So ---- what might happen is that you'll meet and he'll be wonderful. He'll tell you all the things you're longing to hear. He'll dazzle you with attention, affection and lies. You'll fall for them. You'll re-bond with him. He'll recapture you. He'll return to his former toxicity. But since you were submissive enough to actually believe his lies, he'll read that to mean that he can go even farther with his abuse now, than he did before. This probably won't happen, but I'll tell you what happened to the niece of a friend of mine. She was in college. She dated a guy for awhile. Though he'd never laid an abusive hand on her, something felt off to her so she broke up with him. He asked her for one more talk with him, for just a couple minutes. She visited him in his dorm room. She opened the door and he blasted her with a shot gun. Then he killed himself. He had never touched her with an abusive hand. No one would ever touch her again. Other things that might happen: He might have undergone an actual miracle and be the perfect partner. Those are all things that might happen. What will happen can best be predicted by things that have happened with him, before. Best thoughts to you. Be well.
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I like what you said calmzone... "Love shouldn't be this much of a struggle, and I know you've been struggling for quite some time ~ stuck in 'the loop' so to speak."
I repeat this to myself often - love should not be so hard, such a struggle, so difficult, so uncomfortable. Love should be easy, comfortable, and sure. Look at the past patterns you have with him. Remind yourself of all the things that you didn't like in the relationship, do you want to go back to that? The odds are he hasn't changed. You deserve to be loved, and cherished, and protected, and treated with respect. If you weren't treated this way in the relationship then try to detach from him NOW! Listen to your heart.
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What might happen:
He will try to convince you he has changed. He will pretend to be nice to you. Will you believe it? Actions speak louder than words. What have his actions been? Has he gotten counseling? Has he done the work for 18 months to not be an abuser? Don't be ashamed, that only reinforces his abuse of you, but do go in with realistic and lowered expectations. And what is in it for you, meeting with him? What might happen to you? Hugs to you hon...
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