What is Physical Emotional Abuse
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) or is unlawful or wrongful....
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Made up my mind - now what?
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I have made up my mind to leave. I know I have to, there is no way I can live the rest of my life like this. His emotional abuse has taken a toll on me and I'm too tired to deal with his crap anymore. I'm ready to start my life over again.
I went to talk to an attorney yesterday, but he was held up in court so they said they would try to get me in Friday if they could. I've got some questions that I feel like I need some kind of advice on. My husband drives a truck and just left back out today. I'm hoping he'll be gone for a week, but I'm getting the vibe that he's trying to come on back home. He's never held a job for long and has already started making some comments. I was hoping I could get my stuff out of the house while he was gone but I'm getting a feeling I'm going to be surprised by his presence in the next day or two. I don't want to do it while he's there because I know the sparks will fly and then "Mr. Nice" will eventually try to suck me back in. Too bad, I'm done! But here are some issues I don't know how to deal with: 1- He recently got custody of his 15 y/o son whom I've had to take care of... feed, make sure he's getting to school and picked up every day. He was going to stay with his mother last night but they got into a big fight and she turned back around and dropped him off again. She called him redneck trash and said she didn't ever want him over at her house again and now he claims he's never going to see that pill-poppin' B---- again. There really isn't anyone else to take care of the boy. I certainly don't want to do it because he is too much like his father (disrespectful, sneaky and nothing but a liar) and I want to cut all ties when I go. I was hoping he'd be gone this weekend so I could pack up and leave without him calling his dad telling him what I was doing. But then again, I feel guilty because I've always been the caretaker (even though I've been taken advantage of and manipulated beyond beleif at times). 2-I REALLY want to get out of this town! Is it a good idea? How do I start over? I'm planning to stay with my parents for now until I can find a job, etc. out of town (about an hour or two away) but I don't want to keep running into his friends and I don't want him popping up at my job, my parents, or where ever I am. I know he will. Should I get a restraining order? He never physically abused me, but he has made comments, jokingly of course, that according to our state law, he can "take it" (meaning sex) if he wants to b/c we're married and most recently his "joking" comments have been "I own you". I just want to get away and start a new life! 3-Thankfully we have no children together, but we do have 2 dogs. Actually one is mine and one is his / but still "ours". But I'm VERY attached to both of them, they're like my babies. He's pretty attached to his, but if he's going to be on the road and can't take care of her - then what? I imagine he'd give away her or try to sell her to somebody. I feel sure he's not going to let me just take her. 4-He filed bankruptcy about a month ago. Both of our vehicles are in his name. If I go to an attorney, I can probably get it worked out to keep my car, but I'll have to make the payments on it. There's no way I would be able to afford those payments! Does anyone know how this kind of stuff works? I'm sure I could get an old, cheap used car to get by in for a while. I'm just anxious, and frustrated and really feel the need for some support around me. My parents are willing to help me move out, but my poor mother is stressed with working fulltime and illness issues popping up with her mother and her sister she doesn't know what to do. My father's in poor health also and can't do a lot of heavy lifting. My 18 y/o daughter will be moving with me too, and she's never gotten along with my husband. He's been really awful to her over the years and she's always stood her ground with him. He's taken that out on me quite a bit. I can probably count on one hand the number of days in the last 6++ years that he HASN'T raised hell with me about her at least once a day. She was always such a good kid, but she's gotten very rebellious in the last couple of years and does what she wants to do anyway. I don't come down too hard on her a lot of times because I know he will, and has. I just want to get out the door and end it. At this point, I don't think he has a clue its coming. I took his crap this weekend and drew strength from the fact that I knew it was over and I was going to leave very soon. On the other hand I feel like a horrible person for being sneaky and somehow thinking I'm really going to hurt him by doing this. I'm trying to make myself realize by everything I've read that he's not capable of really loving me, it's all an act. Anyone have any words of advice on anything here? I'd really appreciate it. I don't have any close friends anymore. Everytime I'd start connecting with a friend, he'd feel like I was talking about him and then he'd start with lies about that person. I caught on after a while and figured it wasn't worth it to try and have any friends. THANKS! Posted on 10/28/09, 04:10 pm |
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If you want to start then begin with you!
Please be careful of what you write because I had a friend who's ex found out what she was trying to do because he knew about her connection to daily strength make sure you don't leave anything around that could give him a clue of what you are trying to do what ever you do make sure you leave a letter with a good friend telling her the things you posted this way if something happens he will be the first the police go to.. I told my EX that I had pictures of him beating me.. copies of old restraining orders and even a little video of him hurting me and I put them in a safety deposit box and sent copies to a friend down "south" It worked! " God bless you and those you love 
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There are some unknown factors here; if you feel like you may be in danger, it's better to go now - you and your daughter to your parents place or a shelter, take animals, arrange for transportation to get his kid back to the mom's (you'll have to be sneeky since the kid's around), grab what you can including any important papers, your computer (you don't want him hacking into it)and go. You can always come back with a police escort to move the rest.
If you have time, make a plan. Gather up all important documents, items, etc...wait until he and his kid are not around, and move everything. Don't ever let on that something's up. Try to line up that attorney asap so you get your fair share of the assets. It's not unusual to be isolated when we're with abusers, they usually see to it that we have NO support system. Get yourself safe, and try not to feel bad for HIM. He hurt himself here, not you. After you're safely out, please get some therapy to help you through the healing process. It's great you at least have family you can stay with until you line up a job and a place to live, etc. Be safe, wise, and take good care. You can do this, you just need to get a game plan.
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I agree with the other answers, but also wanted to say something about the specific points you raised:
1. This sounds harsh, but his 15 yo is not your problem. There is not much you can do about this situation except (if appropriate) report the problem to child services. You have to look after you and your daughter. 2. Getting out of town does sound like a good idea if you can manage it, so that you don't run into him or his friends. It's hard to know about the restraining order without a lot more information. When you go to see the attorney, have a list of all the things he's done to you, and the things you are afraid of, and ask him about the restraining order. If you can't get one, then still make a note (once you're gone) of every time he tries to contact you, everything he does, so that you may be able to get one later if he is threatening you. 3. Take the dogs - they need to be looked after, and if he's away a lot and can't look after them, that's a good enough reason. Talk to your attorney about this as well though. 4. If you can't afford the car payments, but can afford another car, leave the car and work out with the attorney what you are entitled to of the joint assets. I don't know exactly how it works there, but it's probably similar to here in that it doesn't really matter so much whose name it's in - you will be entitled to share in whatever assets were built up during the marriage. You are wise to have got an attorney early - talk to him, tell him everything, don't hold back out of embarassment or a sense of shame. The only way he can effectively advise you and fight for you is if he has ALL the facts. Good luck to you.
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Good advice here- just wanted to wish you the best during this transition. Stay safe and please let us know how things go. Wishing you peace~ Pam
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~Wanted to wish you the best as well~ It takes strength everyday to stick to what we set in our mind to do, as our "stupid" hearts try to lul us back in. Stand firm in your decision knowing your are doing the right thing and the best thing for you!!! Funny how I went from the abuse to him crying on the phone (after I filed for separatiaon) saying how he will change, sorry charlie too late...... you know us women when we are done we are done, we put up with a lot but dont mess with us when were done!
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Thanks for all of the advice and words of wisdom. I haven't been able to get back on since I posted. That same day, he left to go over the road and was one state away when he was dropping a trailer and called me to say he was in the hospital. Said he "fell out" and the ambulance picked him up. His BP was high and his sugar was low. He was not going to be able to drive his rig home until his blood pressure was under control and he was released from a doctor. So I had to drive about 2 hours away, wait in his hospital room for a while then the doc comes back in. They did a CT scan and said there was some issues with his heart/some type of heart disease that needed to be checked out asap as it was not typical of someone as young as he is and they wanted him to stay overnight and see the cardiologist. He would not stay at the hospital so left against medical advice and told them he'd see a doctor here. So yesterday we went to the doc and they also said he ALSO has a nodule on his left lung. They are trying to get him set up to see a cardiologist and a cancer doctor to look into these things. In the meantime, all yesterday afternoon and last night he's been very dramatic, worried, he just KNOWS he's going to die soon and he just wants to make sure me and his kids are taken care of, he says. He also went on and on about how deeply he loves me, etc. I just couldn't take it anymore and I told him no he didn't love ME, he loved controlling me. So we got into a deep conversation and I told him I'd help him through this, but that I had planned on leaving him this weekend because I could not deal with his emotional abuse and all the crap he's put me through in the last few years and that I was not about to put up with it the rest of my life. I couldn't leave and kick a dog when he's down. But now I'm wondering if I just set myself up for him to be able to nail me hard when I least expect it. I don't trust him and I never will.
All last night after that and this morning he's played the pity roll, but he also keeps sliding in little comments aimed to try and make me feel guilty. Things that remind me of who he is. Why did this whole thing have to happen now? Why couldn't it have waited til I got out the door?
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There are always things that come up that make it harder to leave. Why would you care for someone who has not cared for you? Honestly, I would pack up your stuff and not look back. He has a lot of baggage, son included, that you don't need.
Abusive types use our empathy to bind us to them. Use your self love and independence to get out now...the fact that he is in the hospital and can't interupt with some new drama makes it an ideal time to quietly leave. I know it sounds harsh but in rejecting an abuser you need to learn to focus on and care for yourself. Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? Hugs to you and wishing you a peaceful and (mostly) drama-free life.
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I completely agree with wvart.
He should have thought of treating you better all these years, and now is wanting to depend on you to take care of him in HIS time of need. If you were sick, I highly doubt you'd be shown the same kindess... He can guilt you all he wants, it won't change who he is and what he's done. He's pouring it on thick to make you feel OBLIGATED, which in NO way you are. Sick or well, and abuser is an abuser. Please listen to the advice given and make your plan to start your new life, free from this BS as soon as you possibly can. When will he be up and back to work again??
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I so wish I had something. Some little bit of advice for you. I too am having really bad probs with my husband. I don't want to be the reason his life is so miserable. 25 years of marriage. our newly divorced 24 yo daughter moved back in and is suffering too.
and all he can say is "me me me. it's your fault. what about me?" I can't take it. Feels hopeless. No way out. haven't worked since pregnant. devoted my life to this sicko. for what? am here to gain insight. info. empower. first, need a job *I have no friends to use as references on applications!! lol can you believe that??? Do not speak to most family. How did this all turn so terribly wrong? Hugs and prayers for you jl. And for your family too! Hope all works out for you.
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power,
Hi & welcome! First, you're not the reason he is miserable, HE is the reason he's miserable. I would encourage you to read through a lot of the forums; there are also book recommendations & websites under the tab that says just that at the top of the forums page. There is always hope, even after being married to someone for so long....there IS a way out. You just need some validation and support, and I would suggest therapy just for yourself as well. I do hope you're able to get a job, and do some of the things necessary to leave this dysfunctional situation. Many of us thought we were 'stuck' in our situations too, but you don't have to be. I'm glad you found DS, it's a great place to start getting some of the support you so much need.
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