Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

I need help I just don't know what to do anymore. I was never confident and had enough self-esteem to say what I really want, but I guess it's something that I never acquired as a child but that's a different story. I've been married to my spouse for the last 10 years, I now slowly realize that I kind of fell into this whole thing. I was fresh out of High School broke up with my first ever girlfriend and felt horrible and alone. I guess the best I can describe it is that she was like a hunter and I was a wounded animal, at least that's what everybody close to me has told me. I noticed problems very early she was swearing a lot, violent at times under a lot of stress, but I was trying to tell myself that's just because she lives with her very demanding parents, and I can help her be better. Years past, we got married, nothing changed. She started to be very demanding, I would do things around the house (vacuuming, dishes, laundry etc...) but it was never good enough. We moved out, our own place away from her parents, I thought great she's going to be better she's going to be less stressed, but nothing changed she got more verbally abusive calling me names, I never did anything right, and with every major life decision I was thinking well she’s going to change and be better to me. Almost six years after the birth of my son 2 years after I started talking about a divorce I feel like an empty shell of the man I used to be. She tells me that she loves me she tells me that she can't live without me but even after I told her I want out she did not change a bit. I don't have to do much to make her mad it's enough if I pickup dirty knife from the kitchen table and put it in the dishwasher, she just blows up and starts screaming. I told her more than two years ago lets go for counseling lets get some help, but she just doesn't want to hear it, and its another reason for an argument. She treats me like a mentally retarded child, repeating thing multiple times asking me to pick up something from the floor when it’s next to her, I'm never do anything good enough for her she always finds little things that I did wrong. I've told her to treat me better, my family told her to treat me better our neighbors told her to treat me better all she had to say is quote " He knew that he's marrying a bitch" Every time I try to tell her that she should be better to me she said that's my fault, that I'm an asshole, that I don't treat her right and try to push her away, I cant win this. At the beginning I entrusted her with all the finances and for many years I just didn't pay attention believing she knows what she's doing. About 6 months ago she started throwing stuff and screaming when doing bills, long story short we were short by a lot of money, and I decided that I'm taking over bookkeeping. Didn't take long for me to realize how dire the situation was after printing our credit history I found out that she was spending $1200 every month on credit, we where $68000 in debt. I did not see any other way but to file for bankruptcy, and for the past 6 months we've been using only cash. About 10 month ago after encouragement from my brother I went to see Psychiatrist and been in therapy ever since, diagnosed with clinical depression and taking pills everyday she just completely disregards my quote "fucking depression in your fucking head" She's been diagnosed about two years ago with Rheumatoid Arthritis and Hepatitis C, one is genetic the other blood transfusion when she was a child, I know she is in pain, I've been running around massaging her back, hands, feet, shoulders, whenever she wanted, but I just can't really feel sorry for her anymore. I've been trying to deal with myself, lately I've been trying to just feel anything other than pain it feels like my stomach is going to just pop open, my heart going to stop, or maybe I just wish that would happen, my point is I've been doing things that I shouldn't be doing. I feel like feeling anything other than that is gonna be better and I know it's wrong but I can't stop myself. My brother is telling me to see my doc get new medication and I will but I also know that's not gonna fix this problem I need to leave. I feel that if I stay longer she will make me stay after all this time in therapy I was strong enough to tell her I want a divorce but I'm getting weaker longer I stay there. With my financial situation I cant just leave now, I've been trying to save for lawyer but did not put even one penny away with her spending everything every month. I'm trapped and I don't feel like I can do this much longer. I really don't know where to turn and what to do money is one thing but I just need somebody to tell me and keep telling me what to do. The only reason that I know that I'm right here is that my friends, neighbors and family are all telling me that I'm right, but that's not fixing anything. I need help I don't know what to do anymore if I could I would just leave I just feel I owe her something I just cant do this anymore.
Posted on 10/26/09, 01:10 pm