What is Physical Emotional Abuse
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) or is unlawful or wrongful....
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I have been married for over 10 years now to a man who has to hate me. I don't know what I am doing wrong and I don't know how to let him go. We have five small daughters together and I love him but I don't know how to keep living this way. I dream of something awful happening to me so I won't have to live this way anymore. This morning he goes through my cell phone and there is some kind of #777 in the data on my phone, turns out HE is the one who caused that by accidentally going on something that uses data when he was looking through my phone. I tried to call the cell phone company to find out what it was and he wouldn't even let me get to a customer service rep before he slapped the phone out of my hand and through my phone against the wall and broke it and then proceded to call me every awful name he could think of and tell me he was leaving and it was b/c I was a cheater. I'm not a cheat, I have never done anything like that to him. But something in me is changing, I feel so angry inside, I am starting to become aggressive back and it is not in my nature. I feel like I need to be sitting here all day and never do anything b/c I can't find the energy to get up and do anything, even when I do it is never right for him. I don't clean good enough, I don't cook good enough, I am a total idiot, loser, bitch. I don't know what happened to ME. Where did I go? What happened to the happy beautiful girl who loved life? Who loved animals and children? Who was all fun? Now all I do is see the negative in everything. I don't want to get up and go anywhere or do anything, it just takes too much energy. I feel so alone even though I have my five kids here all the time, he is here a lot of the time too. He comes home every day, he pays all the bills, he gives me money, he takes care of everything, but then he turns around and physically and emotionally abuses me. What is wrong w/ me that he has to hurt me? What did I ever do to him to be so mean and hateful?He says I don't clean or cook. many years ago I would try and try to make things right and he would say I couldn't cook, my cleaning wasn't right, my food was never right, I suck as a parent and after a while I think I just gave up and stopped cleaning and stopped cooking b/c I was such a failure at it. It doesn't matter how hard I try it's just never good enough, just never right. Prime example. He drive 12 hrs to pick up a truck for me that I bought on ebay b/c we had a baby and we needed more seats to drive them around safely. I wanted to show my appreciation so I tried to make him a real mexican meal b/c he's hispanic and I'm white and he is always talking about how he misses things his mom made. I made fresh tortillas and chili con carne the best I could. I understand it wasn't like his moms but I tried my hardest and the first thing he starts in on is what ingredients I used and how it tastes like white people food and that I'm too slow making the tortillas and just everything about it is wrong. I didn't say anything to him but my feelings were really hurt. I keep telling myself just to keep trying but I don't know if it will ever be good enough for him. Am I doing something wrong? He says I am just stubborn and selfish and I don't see that I am really wrong and that he has every right to be mad. I told him to leave today, but I've told him before and eventually I miss him and I call him back. I want to be strong, I want to just be happy by myself but I don't know that I can. I don't know that I am strong enough to take care of 5 kids without him. He was in prison for 15 months for DWIs and would you know I was happier with him than any other time in our marriage. I felt truly loved and appreciated, respected and I started to really love life again. After he got out it didn't take anytime at all for me to start feeling like this again. So I know I can make it, I know I can be happy, I just don't know that I believe it wasn't some kind of fluke. What is wrong with me? Please someone tell me what is wrong with me?
Posted on 10/01/09, 02:10 pm |
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You are not doing anything wrong, there is notthing wrong with you. you need to stop asking that question. Keep analyzing what is wrong with him.
you just said your best is not good enough, when you try he finds fault, nitpicks and criticizes. There is nothing wrong in your reaction in getting angry. You have reached your limit to his abuse. Dont ever think because he pays the bills gives him the right to put you down. You are an equal. What did he say when he found out the #777 was a data message and not from a phantom man? im sure he did not apologize. Abusers will always look for ways to make you think you are wrong and they are right. 
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He said alltel didn't say that to him, they said it was nothing, it's neither a phone number nor anything. It's nothing, b/c it's some phantom number they use for data transfer. But not only that HE did it when he came home and messed w/ my phone. I was asleep at 3 am, he had just got home and obviously messed w/ my phone as usual. But he still says I am lying and refuses to call and figure it out himself. He just wants to be mad at me for nothing. Maybe so he can stay gone for days and do all the things I won't allow at the house w/ our girls. Maybe b/c he just hates me and wants an excuse to be away. If/Once he figures out he was wrong he will apologize. But he expects the words "I'm sorry" to cure it all. And for some crazy reason (dripping w/ sarcasm here) it just doesn't make me feel better to hear the words. I want proof of his remorse and he doesn't show remorse, he just says the words. I know what will happen, right? We all know how it will go. We all know what happens next in our relationship. I am going to try and be strong and not speak to him etc... but I know me and I know it probably won't happen. I wonder if that happy girl is still inside me, if he isn't here will I feel whole again? I was always a loner and always happy to be alone and now I have him and I feel lonely. So backwards.
I keep telling myself to just enjoy my girls and get back to doing my business and taking care of myself again. Take the girls out to things they deserve to get to do. Enjoy them while they are here to enjoy. The baby will be my last as I had my tubes tied and I really want to enjoy it while it lasts. We all know all the special things about having a baby don't last long. No more breastfeeding soon. No more getting all the kisses I want and the beautiful laughter. The way she just wants me and has no shame of loving her mom. The way she just loves to be held and talked to and is completely happy just to be with me. I will never get that kind of love again, I really want to enjoy it while God has graced me with it. I know a big part of the irritation I have w/ the older girls is b/c of him. He punishes me in ways for not doing what he wants w/ them, and at some point my brain I think decided that being distant from them was better b/c that way I didn't get hurt when he used them against me. I want to make sure they grow up to be responsible loving people, not to feel bad, to feel guilt for the way things are. And to know that I love them as much as I do, even though i am having a hard time showing it. I guess somewhere inside, I decided the easiest way not to get hurt was to stop caring, and the only way I can NOT care is to just push everything away. I was kind of thinking, if I sold everything we own and bought a little piece of land and a small trailer we could have all the things I ever wanted to give my kids w/out more bills than I could afford. I wouldn't have much of anything but I wouldn't have the fear of not making the bills. ya know?I have taken courses to get my real estate appraisers license all I need is to pay for the licensing stuff. I really think I should just go ahead and do that stuff so I can start getting independent. IDK
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yeah how does he manage to do that and twist things and actually confuse me? I am a highly intelligent person and yet he makes me doubt things I know!
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Honey, Don't let him have that much power over you! You stated that you are changing into someone you don't even know. Take back your power. No one should make you change for the worst. You don't need someone to bring you down. You need someone to value you. You need to value yourself. Think about kids and don't put them thorough misery. You need to have him arrested for slapping you.
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He used the phone issue as a tactic so that the focus is off of him so you cant ask "wtf why did you come at 3am".
I find the best way to cope is to focus on me and my kids. Go forward with the Real estate license so that you can work to become independent. I found I was at my lowest self esteem point when I was a stay at home mom for a year. When you get away to work, you get the encouragement you dont get at home. My husband also uses the same tactics as yours, hes trying to provoke a fight to justify doing something he wants. There is no point in using logic with them. Once you start acting like you dont care, they get the picture. Dont let him see you cry, try to hide it. And coincidentally mine is also hispanic and nothing ever tastes good as moms...
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well the 3 am thing is just when he got off from work, he is the what you might call manager of a rig, and anytime anything goes wrong out there he is on call 24x7 so he has to go out and when it gets fixed he can come back. I didn't care he came in at 3 am, as a matter of fact I would have thought after being up almost 48 hrs straight he just would have slept on location in the trailer there, but no he comes home, searches my phone and then blames me for what he did
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He's a classic abuser. Classic.
go here.... www.youarenotcrazy.com. Just know that this is not your fault, you didn't cause it, and there is nothing you can do about it. Its abuse, it's about power and control. Thats all. Nothing else. I'm glad you found us. You aren't alone. Stay on here, keep reading keep posting. Learn all you can, and then you'll figure out what to do. Many hugs....
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You wrote:
I have taken courses to get my real estate appraisers license all I need is to pay for the licensing stuff. I really think I should just go ahead and do that stuff . . . . . . DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I agree with the others. You should get your license, start going out with friends and empowering yourself.
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I don't have any friends after 10 years. They are all long gone.
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