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My husband: passive aggressive...immature...moron?
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Hi everyone. I've been lurking here for a few months now. I'm wondering what others might say of my husband. I'm in so deep I don't feel I can be objective.

I've been in a relationship with my husband for nine years and married for seven. I feel like I'm going to go crazy! I feel like such a fool for not paying attention to certain signs that meant my husband wasn't worth spending my life with....or even a month with.

He came across as the nicest man you've ever met in your life. He seemed so accepting; he didn't seem to get upset about anything. He had a friendly smile and we had so much in common. I was very lonely when I met him . I was new in town and hadn't been in a serious relationship with a man for over four years.

I suppose I should get to the point, otherwise I'll be here all night typing out my life story!

The first thing I noticed about my husband that made me uneasy was his desire to feel superior to me. We'd been going out for about three months and ski season started. We are both avid skiers. We went to a local resort. He was very aware that six months before, I'd severely strained my lower back. I was eager to improve my skiing so I could go all over the mountain and eventually ski off the groomed trails with ease. But, I was cautious and wanted to ease into the ski season and stick to easy trails to see what my body could do after this injury. I'd never been to that particular resort.

I asked him where to go,since he was familiar with this resort. He knowingly took me down an un-groomed, steep trail that had almost no snow on it. It was all icy moguls, rocks, and downed trees. I did my best, but fell and hyperextended my back. He got mad at me because I fell and began complaining that my back hurt. Later I went to my chiropractor and told him what had happened. My chiropractor got very angry at what my then-boyfriend had done.

That same day, we were at the bottom of the mountain. I needed to put my skis on and asked my boyfriend to hold my sunglasses while I fiddled with things. When I was done I politely asked for my sunglasses back. They weren't in his hand. He had "unknowingly" dropped them then stood on them with his skis, crushing them. I said his name in an annoyed tone. Instead of apologizing, he got mad that I was upset. It took him six years to replace my sunglasses. If I'd broken something of my boyfriend's, I would have apologized and offered to buy him a new pair.

He's taken me to areas he was familiar with but I wasn't, and suggested bad gear choices for me just so he could literally ski in circles around me while I struggled. When I called him on this, he got mad at me.

In the late fall of the first year we were together, I got very very sick with the flu. It wouldn't go away. After three weeks of near delirium, he left to see a football game in another town. When he got back he had stories of drinking until he threw up, and of all the strip clubs he went to with his buddies. He tried to tell me he hates strip clubs.

In the years since then, he has forced me to live with a horrible, egotistical, misogynist friend of his who destroyed the garden, drilled holes in our house to set up his own phone and computer lines without asking permission, and tortured my beloved and now deceased parrot when we weren't around. My parrot was funny, silly, sweet and very tame. He enjoyed emptying entire spray bottles on her, almost drowning her in the process. I caught him once, told him off, then told my husband, and my husband got mad at me. His friend continued to live in our house. Every morning when I'd get up (my husband sleeps in) his friend would be in the kitchen. Often he'd mutter, "God Damn fucking bitch!" under his breath when he'd see me. This particular incident happened in the first few months of our marriage. I kept asking my husband to make him leave and he'd say, "HE'S MY FRIEND!"

There was a major fire in our area a while ago. I was at home and my husband was working very close to where the fire originated. I remember being out in the street with my neighbors wondering just how close the fire was to our house. I was so worried about my husband! The smoke was coming from the area he was in. None of us could find anything out about it. I received phone calls from everyone I knew--my husband's friends and family, my friends (no one in my family called, but that's another story). People called from all over the world. I even got a phone call from an ex-boyfriend from almost 20 years ago, telling me that if we lost our house, we could stay with him! Everyone called except for my husband! I wasn't about to drive towards the fire and hamper the progress of emergency vehicles or get stuck over there!

I turns out my husband was close to the fire, but he kept working. He never called. I busied myself packing up paper grocery bags with photo albums, books, and other irreplaceable items. I wasn't panicking. I grew up in a very fire-prone area and was familiar with what to do. I might as well mention that my husband grew up in the Midwest in an area that never has forest fires.

My husband arrived home a little before sunset. I was quite upset. I asked him why he didn't call. He got mad at me, saying, "Stop freaking out! It's not a big deal!" I wasn't freaking out, but calmly and quickly packing camping gear and other things.

He refused to help me load stuff into the car and also didn't pack any of his own belongings in case the fire came our way. The wind was so strong that the fire could have overtaken our house in about ten minutes.

It was at that moment that any love I still felt for my husband vanished. I lost all respect for him. The fire turned out to be the greatest disaster in the history of our region. We didn't lose our home, but knew many who did.

Several years later, just a few weeks ago in fact, there was a lightning strike very close to our house which started a fire. It was so close the smoke looked like something coming out of a neighbor's chimney. The wind was blowing the fire towards us. I'm dealing with a bad back injury at the moment. I felt so helpless! I couldn't pack anything up, I couldn't even run or walk quickly!

After seeing the plume of smoke about a half-mile from our house, my husband proclaimed it "not a big deal", and said he was going to take a nap! This is with fire engines roaring by and smoke everywhere! It seems he wants to prove how superior he is since he's sooooo calm and incredibly rational (sarcasm). I tried to find out where the fire was coming from during his nap. I couldn't get very far on foot. Our car at the time had a bad starter so I didn't want to try to start it up.

Inside I was panicking, since I knew if the fire got really bad we were dead. Our car was unlikely to start and I could hardly walk, much less run. I woke my husband up and insisted he help me. He grudgingly got up, got his bike and rode away towards the fire. I kept trying to tell him to stay with me since I was helpless. Seeing him ride away, I hated him so much at that moment I hoped he'd burn to death.

My husband does help me, like right now, when I have a back injury and have a hard time grocery shopping and cleaning. But he will go out grocery shopping with a list I've given him and ALWAYS come back with the wrong items. He's always done this. If I ask him to get whole milk he gets skim milk. If I ask him to get blueberries he comes back with bananas. He'll purchase stuff he knows I don't want. He doesn't want it either.

If he cleans, he'll always do a very poor job. If the stove is greasy, he'll just smear the grease around instead of using soap. If he washes the dishes, he takes the dirty utensils out of the sink, sets them on the counter and leaves them there. In the nine years I've been with him, he's never ever simply washed all the dishes. I've tried to talk to him about this very gently, explaining that if you need to get grease off something, soap will help...etc....

I try to be handy around the house; I'm excited to be a home owner. In the past I've asked my husband to help. If he does help, it's only grudgingly and he will never ever do what ever it is correctly. If he mounts a faucet, it will be sideways. If he nails up a gutter, the gutter nail will be hanging in the air instead of being in a beam. I'll notice this and ask him to help me correct it. He'll get mad at me and then the gutter will fail in the long, snowy winters we have and flood the house. I'm not asking for perfection at all, just something that works so we don't have to do it again the next year. It's so depressing. I was so excited to own a house in a beautiful location.

My body is falling apart from the stress of this relationship. I've spent the majority of the last nine years either sick or injured. My husband has never hit me, but is an expert at making me feel like nothing. It seems his life goal is invalidating me until I go insane. His other goals seem to be taking more bong hits than any man in history and having his butt cheeks molecularly bond to the couch cushions!

I know I need to get out of this relationship and have been trying to leave for five years. But every time I get the chance, something bad happens--I have to spend all the savings I have on car repairs, I injure my back...My family wouldn't help me out. Both my parents are horrible narcissists. My stepmother would be overjoyed at seeing me out on the street, as she puts it. All of my friends except for two think my husband is the nicest person they've ever met.

Our sex life is a joke. I used to be an enthusiastic, red-blooded woman when it came to sex. Now, the thought of having sex with my husband makes me want to throw up. I'm not saying my sex drive has disappeared. I'm just unbelievably turned off my my husband. And no, I haven't cheated. My husband ejaculates within a few seconds every time we have sex. Or he will, er, finish, even if I come up to him when he's lying on the couch, look into his eyes, and put my hand on his stomach.

My husband sits up in bed naked, stands up, and leaves skid marks on the sheets. He leaves skid marks on the bath towels too. It's always great when I use the same towel after showering and inadvertently smear my face with his feces. It doesn't seem like he knows how to wash his ass. Am I supposed to instruct a 40-year-old on how to do this?

This is only the tip of the iceberg as far as my relationship with my husband goes.

What would people say about him? I grew up in a family of unsupportive narcissists who constantly invalidated me. I know I made a terrible decision by even associating with my husband.

My husband's invalidation of me has almost killed me once. I almost died from carbon-monoxide poisoning on a boat with a faulty engine and he wouldn't do anything. The last thing I remember him saying before I passed out was, "Stop freaking out!"

Again, almost everyone who has met him thinks he's the nicest person they've ever met. He comes from a Leave It To Beaver-type family. I know some horrible things must have happened to him that he absolutely will not talk about. He won't talk about any of our relationship problems either. EVER.
Posted on 08/17/09, 09:58 pm
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Reply #1 - 08/17/09  10:17pm
" You know those two friends you have that arent crazy about this over-grown adolescent AKA your husband............

reach out to them for support, help and get out of there...this sounds miserable to me. Life is so short waiitng to be happy is pointless. You haver to make it happen. "
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Reply #2 - 08/17/09  10:23pm
" Oh my. I don't know what to say. Just so sorry you've had to go through what you've told us here.
I pray you find a way out. I pray for your sanity,your happiness,your well-being.
I hope someone else here at DS can give you some advice. I'm just lost. My guess though- you're dealing with a sociopath,perhaps?
God Bless~ Pam "
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Reply #3 - 08/17/09  11:54pm
" Your articulate description illustrates a textbook example of a narcissistic emotional abuser.

Don't be so sure that his family of origin was so "Leave It to Beaver"---like. Really "perfect" looking families are frequently hiding the stuff they don't want to expose publically.

For your own longevity, you absolutely must find some way out of this hell hole. If you don't, it will end you and he will come out looking spotless. (I think my ex was this guy's distant cousin. To this day, no one who knows him has any clue how covertly vicious he could be to me.)

Please take good care of yourself.

Ilene "
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Reply #4 - 08/18/09  1:13am
" As Ilene points out he is classic narcicisstic emotional abuser, and you have come across as an articulate honest caring person.

I fully recognise and remember our first holiday a place he was familiar with and i wasn't he done similiar stuff to yours, he 'accidentlly' dropped my ciggy's in sink of water so i had to keep asking him for a smoke which he tried to get me to beg for, we were stuck in some motel middle of nowhere in America, so had to wait for morning to buy some of my own,

Mine was opposite to yours, he was meticulous in cleanliness and would go on and on if i loaded the dishwasher in the wrong order, he'd rub his finger around skirting or top of doors to inspect for dust, that film sleeping with the enemy was identical to mine, cans had to be in right place in cupboard. There is so many incidents i could list.

As for his friend,i suffered about 6 of them on my first meeting with his longest friend of 30 years he told me i was too attractive and must be only using him for his money!! sometime later into the relationship my partner told me this same friend was disputing my claim of not being with a man for 4 years prior to us meeting as i was too attractive and it wasn't possible for an adult to go without sex for that length of time, this same person berated , belittled and scorned me to anybody who would listen, in turn i suffered further as this evil passed through his other friends, i was an absolute idiot to stay in that relationship when my partner was not supporting me, as after reading 'Lundy Bancrofts' book it explains abusive men use as many allies as they can to get you to feel like your nothing but a bag of shit, if i said anything back about their remarks it would be turned onto me or passed off as being sensitive, paranoid or can't take a joke. Sounds like your husband is enjoying and encouraging his friend to cause you distress exactly as mine did. When they came for a poker game once some of them decided to ignore me and my partner said i was imagining it, another told me to carry on cleaning as that was all i was there for, they both laughed saying i couldn't take a joke. Your husband is your enemy along with his friend.

I too have unhealthy emotional family mebers so no real support, i've been away from him over a year its the best decision i made before i took my own life, living with them is pure mental torture that is why people on here say leave, mine has continued to try to mentally torture me i've cut telephone and e-mail contact yet get abuse on postcards sent to neighbours house, he would like the drama of a court case needs to keep on hurting me cause i found strength to leave him, so be prepared if you leave.

I would recommend reading about abuse gives you answers that help ease your mind, counselling and this site will help you get through it. "
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Reply #5 - 08/18/09  10:15am
" Mtn..People don't get what's it's like to be involved with a narcissist, unless they have been. Others typically don't know what to say or ARE unsupportive. They just don't understand.
I'm sorry you come from a family of narcissists as well. With all of these factors surrounding you, you still get that it isn't right. This speaks volumes of your strength and character.
You are capable of having a 'narc-free' life.

I don't speak to my mother anymore - she has narc tendencies and I just can't have her making me feel badly about myself for one more minute. I had to turn my back on her, my narcissistic ex-fiance, and I will do so to anyone who I feel shows those 'red flags'.

This is the only way to accomplish some sense of normality. And beyond that, peace and happiness. I do hope you find your of luck! "
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Reply #6 - 08/18/09  11:09am
" Thank you all so much for your replies. happiness09, that sounds horrible!

That awful friend of my husband's did eventually move out. I saw him recently and he implied that I'd lost weight because I had cancer or something. It's actually because I'd gone through the process of emotionally detaching from my husband and stopped eating a bad diet. I've been trying to take better care of myself in the last year or so, so I'm as strong and healthy as I can be. I started going to the gym not only to get fit, but to be able to lift boxes of my possessions more easily when the time comes to move out! Sadly, my back is still vulnerable to injury!

I made a mistake in my first post and made it sound like my husband comes back with ALL the wrong items when grocery shopping. He doesn't, but a good portion of it will be like what I described. It's like his life motto is, "Can't be bothered." I know it's how he shows his resentment.

I'll write more later. My husband is in the house right now--asleep, but I never know when he'll appear! "
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Reply #7 - 08/18/09  12:27pm
" All? Some? Why split hairs?

My ex liked breaking and "losing" my stuff.

He didn't break and "lose" ALL my stuff. Just SOME of my stuff (the stuff he knew was meaningful to me). Well ---- let's pin on him a medal.

Good for you, for getting fitter. Keep it up.

Best to you. Stay well.

Ilene "
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Reply #8 - 08/18/09  9:32pm
" My husband has broken or lost so much stuff of mine! Everywhere I look there's stuff he's stepped on, knocked off shelves and broken...etc. He is extremely clumsy. He has never actually taken something and smashed it in anger. He never ever replaces anything he breaks or offers to fix it. I might as well add that the only time he's ever yelled loudly at me was to say, "I don't get angry!!!" Amazing, isn't it? I told him he was completely out of touch with his feelings. It's like he's stunted--he *is* an overgrown adolescent. I have my own term for him that makes me laugh: Jumbo Baby.

Over the years I've noticed that when ever I talk about any difficulties--whether it's a bad day at work, my back aching, our crazy neighbors...he gets mad. It's like he can't listen to someone complaining without taking it personally, even if it has absolutely nothing to do with him! It's not like I'm always going on and on about for hours about problems! It's like he wants me to keep a huge grin on my face no matter what I'm going through, or to bottle my emotions like he does.

His mother was recently diagnosed with Leukemia. He had absolutely no emotional reaction to the news at all! "She'll be fine. It's not supposed to get bad until she's really old." he said.

My mother was very abusive and I try to never associate with her. But if she was diagnosed with cancer I could still imagine myself crying when I heard the news.

My husband never ever said the word "Sorry" in the first seven years of our relationship. He has an incredible knack of turning anything around back on me. I've actually found myself apologizing for something he did!

No longer. Now I call him on everything he does. The other day he tried to tell me how I felt about something. I replied, "I know myself very well and would appreciate if you wouldn't tell me how I feel about something. You're being ridiculous!" He was speechless for the next hour.

Enough about him. I do know I need to leave. I've been poring over the classifieds for the last four years. In 2005, a few months after my parrot died, I came very very close to leaving. I had money and a job. The job barely paid enough to survive, like most jobs in a resort town, but I was fed up and ready. The big problem was my job was in the same small building as my husband's job. I'd speak with him several times a day while working. And everyone there thinks he's great. I remember telling my boss about things my husband does and she began defending him. He actually got me that job! I couldn't see myself getting a divorce or separation and keeping that job. It was too much for me, and I was absolutely devastated about my parrot, who was like my child.

Now I'm in a worse situation. I got a job after almost a year of looking. The job was seasonal but paid well for around here so I took it. There was also a chance I'd get to stay in the company once the season ended since I'm quite knowledgeable in the field I'm in.

I injured my back on the job and have been barely mobile for the last six weeks. I can walk and stand for short periods of time. Sitting hurts a lot. My car, which is very old, has begun breaking down all the time. It's one thing after another. I've had to apply for short-term state disability. I am unable to work.

I think my husband likes the fact that I'm injured even though it's inconvenient for him. After all, I interrupt his precious life spent sitting on the couch watching golf. But I'm unable to show him how unbelievably lazy he is because I can hardly move. He knows I can't leave him if I can hardly walk.

I know I should stop talking about him, but I've never imagined someone like my husband could exist. I've never seen anyone like this: He sleeps late, gets up and goes to the den where there is another bed. He turns on the radio and lies down to listen. He gets up and makes himself breakfast, but only after asking me if I want some. Since it's usually around 11am I say I don't since I've been up for house and have already eaten. Then he sits on the couch until it's time to go to work. This is literally all he's done for the last nine years unless I say something--beg him to help me with something.

I look at this house I'm going to have to leave and regret I spent nine years of my life trying to fix it up. I restored the property--removed thousands of pounds of garbage and planted beautiful plants, painted it, removed a carport that was blocking most of the sunlight from the house. He did the heavy lifting but otherwise sat on the couch or in the shed with his bong. I convinced him to buy the lot above ours and we got it for almost nothing.

The house is a fixer upper. Even if he said that I could have this house, I'd never be able to afford fixing the roof, the electrical wiring, tearing down the add-on since it floods every winter, and rebuilding the shed, which is about to collapse onto the house. If the shed does collapse it could kill our housemate if she happens to be lying in bed at the time. (I told him about this eight years ago and got, "No it's NOT!" even tough I can stick a pencil through the wood supports. The back supports have rotted and collapsed already.) I've told some of his friends about the danger, but they just defend him or don't care to try and convince him to do something. I guess I need to go to the divorce forum to find out what I can do to get some money back for all the $$$ and time I put into this place.

Another long post...but this is helping me sort things out in my own head. I have a journal too. Thanks for listening and for the advice, everyone! "
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Reply #9 - 08/27/09  2:49pm
" You are not alone. I understand. My husband is very much like yours, but everyone else thinks he's so charming, helpful, and likeble. We come here because who else could we talk to? "
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Reply #10 - 09/02/09  3:48pm

I was married to a guy like this (our thing was horse showing, and I TOTALLY get where you are coming from with the passive-aggressive crap and the bullshit)

he is just nuts! Get rid of him and get on with your life. "

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