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Friday November 28, 2014

Rambling Stories

  • Hell Without End, Amen

    Sunday, February 17, 2013 | A Rambling story

    I am tired of living.  I am tired of using the same reason to keep living-my sons. 
    I am tired of the memory and vision problems from the hydrocephalus.  I am tired of the balance and added memory problems from my brain tumors and radiation treatments. I am tired of the arthritis pain. I am tired of the Scoliosis, Tinnitus and vertigo.
    I am tired of trying to find a job.  I ti...

    1 Recommendation

    5 Comments

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  • Young n dumb

    Monday, February 18, 2013 | A Rambling story

    so once upon a time I had what I call a hero crush on one of my cousins. Its not really a loving desire type of crush. More like an iinfatuation because he didnt make me feel like an outsider and actually spent time with me. Then the day came when we were sitting on grandmas pourch and he said he had to go she his girlfriend. For some reason I got jelious and upset but tried not to show it. It fe...

    1 Recommendation

    4 Comments

  • Fool of all fools

    Saturday, May 18, 2013 | A Rambling story

    What am I still doing here? What am I waiting for? Why am I still waiting for a change that will never happen? A change that will benefit me for once. Its not right to give up on what you want in life But why keep trying and its not going anywhere. You try so hard but see or feel no progress. What is the point. Am I just a fool? Shut out in the darkness and the only light there is the wrong path ...

    1 Recommendation

    4 Comments

  • Struggling with my reflection

    Saturday, August 3, 2013 | A Rambling story

    The struggle with self reflection. Seeing old issues in a new way. Finding oppourtunities to do better and do the right thing. The feeling of being alone while attempting to correct old ways and habits. This battle from within is huge. I yearn for her. I need her. I want to change and want her advice.
    Pride and selfishness is what got us here.
    Is it over? It certainly feels like it...

    1 Recommendation

    4 Comments

  • Ooops! Forgot...

    Friday, December 27, 2013 | A Rambling story

    Uhhh....  Ooops!
    Did you know that lack of sleep causes hypomania/mania?  
    Yeah.  I just remembered that.  
    Well...NOW the fog starts to lift!  I finally get why I've been so volatile the last couple of days!
    Can you guess?  That's right!  HYPOMANIA!!  (Cause I'm not creative yet.)
    Let's see!  We got Abby............,,,, a week ago tomorrow!  Holy...

    1 Recommendation

    3 Comments

  • Rearranging chairs in hell

    Tuesday, August 19, 2014 | A Rambling story

    There's a fragmented self inside me, the very dark of darkness, which pushes forth disastrous imagery and catastrophic predictions. This is why I avoid standing on ledges and will never own a gun.
    I've been living in hell for decades, but I made it homey. There are couches and chairs in it, and pictures on walls, and a big television. It's liveable - it's "my" hell, it's become part of me, and th...

    1 Recommendation

    4 Comments

  • NO more fantasies

    Monday, September 29, 2014 | A Rambling story

    I must stop the denial fantasy side of me that says, "if only things were different, I'd be fine and we'd be great!"
    Things are what they are, and because I am choosing health for the both of us, I will be fine, he will be fine, and we will be fine.  Overall,..... eventually.

    1 Recommendation

    3 Comments

  • he's moving on

    Friday, October 3, 2014 | A Rambling story

    I still have a knot in my stomach, even as I am avoiding my home this week as he moves out.  He should be done by Sunday afternoon.
    A part of me is still holding onto the what if, why me, woulda-coulda-shoulda, did I get it all wrong, the "it's not fair" feelings.
    Would it have made sense for me to follow my instincts a few weeks ago and beg him to stay, even though he hasn't shown any signs...

    1 Recommendation

    6 Comments

  • stomach-y feeling

    Tuesday, October 14, 2014 | A Rambling story

    there was an incident very early on with my ex that told me everything i needed to know about him, so naturally i ignored it. i guess i really wanted to be with someone, although i never thought of myself that way, one of those people who have to be in a relationship all the time. however, i was in a relationship all the time, so go ahead and do that math. 
    we had been together about two mon...

    1 Recommendation

    4 Comments

  • Dividing Belongings

    Wednesday, November 19, 2014 | A Rambling story

    Okay, so the time has come to divide our belongings.
    My stbx has made assumptions already - like that he owns all the books because he bought them for himself.  Kind of like how I assume I own all the lotions.  He assumes he'll keep anything he built with supplies we both paid for.  I will let go of these.
    We have a large CD collection that we both enjoyed together.  Do we cha...

    1 Recommendation

    4 Comments