What is Pet Bereavement
The loss of a pet or a non-human animal to which one has become emotionally bonded can be an intense loss, comparable with the death of a loved one. Whilst there is strong evidence...
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Guilt over how my dog died
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My precious female boxer ,Patty, died last Saturday Oct 10th, 2009.She died a very painful death & I wasn't there to comfort her.I've been wracked with guilt and pain over it as well as missing her so much.She was so ill & I missed the signs.She was an abused dog who was left by her owners at the vets.One day my older son brought her home because she was going to be euthanized.We were reluctant, but she grew on us fast & was the most beautiful, polite, gentle, sweet, loving & funny dog I could have ever wished for & didn't even know I needed until she made my life so much happier than it had been.We had her for 6 1/2 wonderful years.She was like our baby.She was so wide-eyed and innocent.She really acted like a toddler would in every way!She absolutely loved everyone & everything.I even saw her trying to play with a fly a few times! lol.She was very timid out in strange places and clung to us. Well, she got a mast cell tumor on the right side of her neck 3 years ago.It was benign and removed but not completely.It grew back larger.We were hesitant to keep getting her cut open.Maybe we waited too long, I don't know but the second time, it was malignant.She had surgery & radiation treatment even though the tumor was removed with clean margins.The vet hospital charged us almost 10,000 for everything.We are broke as it is..seriously.She was fine, but started showing signs here and there of feeling sick the past 2 months.It started out with tiny things.20/20 hindsight says it was over 2 months.Things like eatting grass too often, not as energetic.I thought she was just getting older.All kinds of small signs that worried me but I ignored..hoping the best.I knew we could never afford to get her treated again.More recently, her neck seemed thicker but it was symetrical so I didn't worry too much.In the past two weeks, she threw up, then seemed fine..had clogged sinuses, it progressed.We had actually no income for all of august.She was even crying to me 2 weeks ago trying to tell me something was wrong.Then she seemed better.I knew all of these signs were adding up to something worrisome but I put it off too long.I finally made an appt for Oct 10th as soon as we could get her seen.I had tried to get one with the specialist in Red Bank but the earliest w/e appt he had was Oct 25th so I scheduled with our local vet.Thurs the 8th, she had vomited that morning for the second time in 1 month,later in the day she had frequent urination.Not much of an appetite thurs but in the evening she perked up when I made her some chicken breast.On friday,the 9th of Oct, she was very listless & then in the evening her neck started to swell out of the blue.She started having labored breathing.I had no car so a few hours later, my husband got home & rushed her an hour away to the vet hospital.By then she was getting worse.I said goodbye to her thinking I'd see her the next day & she'd be fine as soon as they could treat her.That was the last time I saw her.My husband stayed a couple hours at the vet hospital and left there at 4AM and came home.They made him pay 1000.00 before he left..part of the cost.We used the rest of our credit card and what was in our check acct.I'm not sure how much they told him or even knew at the time as far as the severity of her condition.I had called the Triage nurse earlier before my husband even got home .She thought it might be an infection or mast cells inflaming her throat.We were still very hopeful.My husband called me before he left there and told me her breathing seemed better and her blood tests were normal but had elevated WBC.She also had a fever.They were giving her benydryl & had put her in an oxygen tent & her breathing seemed less labored.I was able to go to sleep then with a somewhat eased mind. At 9:45 am, Sat morning..a dr called and told me she had thyroid carcinoma and it was squeezing her trachea closed.It had also grown into one lung.I missed or ignored all the signs.I do have to say that never in a million years did I think that.I was starting to worry she might have another MCT somewhere and feared the decision we'd have to make about treatment this time but nothing this horrible and urgent.Well, they had only given her ACE.Its like a valium.She laid there all night into morning choking and in pain.They recommended euthanasia.They couldn't do a tracheotomy because the swelling internally was so bad, nothing would work.He said she wouldn't make it through the next night.We tried to process it and my husband called back too.Woke our sons & cried a lot.By about 11, we got ready real quick.We were about to leave at 11:32 and the phone rang that her heart had stopped.They asked if we wanted them to resusitate her but we knew that would just cause her more agony .She had no way to breath.I hate to think this, but I know they really only care about money down there.The cahrge would have been 800, but we would have paid anything like that if it would have helped her.It would just have been very inhumane.I never saw her again.She died alone, without us there to comfort her.I researched Ace & thats when I knew she wasn't really "sedated" and it was just like a valium and realize now that she just lied there suffering & yearning for us until one of the flunky docs in training finally looked at her.She died from the pain of cancer pushing on her trachea and slowly suffocated for 12 hours while they did nothing.I can't get over the anguish she felt of not having us there to comfort her and love her and end her suffering.Its a very high tech hospital.The worse part is that there were only a few people there that night and that all 40 doctors(the specialists) and staff went to a co-workers wedding on sat.The dr who called (not a specialist)had finally gotten there at 7:30 am.Why didn't he call shortly after he arrived?! It's all so horrible.She was not given good care by them.They had no way to do a tracheotomy by the time that terrible dr saw the severity of her situation.I called a couple days later when he was working again.He described in detail how horrible it was.Said she suffered and that she knew we weren't there.I miss her very much and I can't forgive myself for not being with her.I know it's everyones fault & noones but it still haunts me.I know we loved her with all our hearts but I think she felt abandoned by us in her last hours and she was hanging on as long as she could, waiting for us.I had a dog when I was a child.He was a backyard dog.He protected me .We got him when I was 2.He died at the age of 17 in our basement on the cement floor.I stayed with him for an hour and then went to bed.He died alone.I never forgave myself for that but I was younger & not as patient as I am as a mother now.There was NEVER any question in my mind that I would do anything to comfort Patty & love her till her last breath.She deserved that from us because she was such a purely loving soul.She had no no negative qualities at all.She never got irritable & she didn't even bark!My baby died a horrible death without any love & comfort from her Mommy & all of us who loved her.I fear she felt abandoned by us.I really can't get over this.She had a rough start in life and a horrible end.It's so unfair.If I had gotten her to the dr even just a little sooner, we would have have known what she had and been able to help her & ease her pain.I do the bills & I do give my sons money,..more than I should.I know I just put off getting her seen because I knew the cost could be substantial.Thanks for listening.Any help would really be appreciated.
Posted on 10/17/09, 01:10 pm |
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I'm so sad for your loss. Listen my friend you loved Patty and she loved you. You saved her life and gave her an opportunity to know true life and pure love. She was your guardian but honey you have to see you were her guardian as well. I refer to our pets as, Angels dressed as pets. They really are, aren't they? They seem to know what we need and give us such unconditional love. They have to be sent from God. With that being said, they know how much we love them. Patty was so ill and you kept her going far longer than she would have without the unselfish help you afforded her by the treatments she was given. But as ill as she was, and I'm sure she knew she was - she also knew without a doubt how much she was loved. You commented on just how bright she was. I'm sure she was extremely bright - so bright she understood how much she was cared for and cherished. Love doesn't go away from us when the ones we love can't be seen. You were with her in her mind and in her heart. You had made your love real even when you weren't standing next to her. Also it is so important that you be kind to yourself. If you had a friend who had just gone through the same horrible loss - what kind words would you give? Be as kind to yourself. Don't let false guilt take away from the beautiful love you shared with your beautiful Patti. You are not alone. I understand your pain as does all the wonderful peiple on this site. You were blessed to have known such pure and real love. 
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and reply to me.Your dog looks beautiful and adorable.I wasn't sure if anyone would see my post.I searched the internet all week and could never find a story of a person who didn't make it in time to comfort their pet & whose pet had such a drawn out death.I know Patty was a gift from God.I wonder why I've been so fortunate to be given people & pets in my life that are so special.I'm very imperfect in many ways.I work from home.I never seem to have a working car.I just am not the best person to go to in an emergency.My husband is rarely home because he is a truck driver and isn't around much.He's got his junky old bronco that noone else can drive anyway! I just hope & pray she didn't suffer as much as the doctor implied and that she felt our love till the end.I can't imagine a dog not going to heaven.I hope there really is one.Their souls are perfect already.And you're right..Patty was amazing that way, she befriended everyone ,inculding other animals and gave back exactly what the other needed.She had a wonderful, funny personality of her own but she was just the most amazing companion to all! Thank you SO much again for your very kind words.I'm so glad I found this wonderful website.God bless you!...Connie
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You are under estimating how wonderful you are. Patty knew you and loved you. As far as the suffering...first these amazing creatures pain tolerance in much different than humans. They cope far better. In fact they seem to do everything far better than humans. With your husband gone so often it has to be even more difficult not having Patty. Thank you, yes my Sullivan baby boy was just perfect. I miss him so much but I was so blessed to have known him. Some people go through life never knowing the type of love Patty and Sulli gave. Patty had a wonderful life because of you! You are a good woman.
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I know what it is like to loose your best friends. I lost 2 long term pets last year. A 12 year old lab/chow rescue to Cancer and another of 15 years to just old age. It is a loss you don't get over anytime soon.
There are many lessons you learn from losses like this and one is to be vigilant of the warning signs of which you now know. Although I have not gotten another pet I have somewhat adopted my neighbor's lab/Shepard dog who is 8. I am on her all the time about his health and care. Thank God she is a good friend...anyone else would have killed me. I have noticed that he is eating grass a lot lately as I have become his main caretaker as she is gone a lot due to her job. I didn't realize that was a sign of anything that could be dangerous so I am definitely going to have her take him in for a blood test next week as he is getting up there in age and I have grown to love him very much. I think you might look at the sharing of your story and someone like me and maybe many others on here reading it and taking action on behalf of another animal as a "Blessing" in a round about way. Particularly if these blood test show something that was caught in advance and was done in response to your story about Patty... that was able to save another beloved pet's life. It certainly gives credence to what the purpose of this group is all about and could certainly be looked at as a tribute to Patty... and to you... for sharing through your tears with all of us. They never leave us without "gifts" as she is God's Angel now. She always knew how much you loved her and what a great home and life you gave to her. Remember her in joy, not sadness as that is what she brought to your lives. Remember the good memories you and your family share of her and that with the "love in your heart" you have for her that will "never" die or ever be taken from you. Fight the beast of "guilt" that is a destroyer of lives...mentally and physically. Be kind enough to tell yourself the truth... you did EVERYTHING you could possibly do for her in those given moments. I know about the money thing, it was well over $20,000 just for one surgery and months of follow up, chemo and specialized treatments and any doctor who tells you in detail how your pet suffered at the end... needs to be prayed for...because they are not a human beings...they are animals!!! One of the many gifts I have received in my life since the passing of my fur kids is that it has brought me closer to God. One of his promises that I know personally to be true is that he never gives you more in life than you can handle. I believe this holds true for the animals as they are his beings too. God takes his animals, just like he takes his people... home...when they just can't handle anymore. I will pray for your release from the bondage of guilt and look forward to seeing any photos you might be willing to post of her...be well..L
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SullsMum,..your words have been so comforting to me.You're a special person & you've really helped me.I can see Sulli was a very lucky dog to have you ! I believe as you do ,..there are billions of people on the earth at any given time & only some are ever blessed with really knowing the kind of love a special pet can bring, especially a dog.For some reason we were blessed & God smiled on us to experience that kind of happiness.I hope the sadness you feel will will eventually turn into only joyful & happy thoughts of your little boy, Sulli.
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Lalalinle,..:(.That's so sad.I'm so sorry you lost both of your dogs so close together.Gosh,..you've been through so much.Many people don't realize how hard it is.I didn't stop crying at all for 4 days straight.It's very slowly gotten a little better.I've gone through all her pictures & I've been researching everything about what she had.Thyroid carcinoma is rare in dogs.I even went on just answer site...twice.The vets on there were very helpful.They were way more informative and specific and compassionate.They had heard of this kind of situation.The dr who treated her hadnt.The tumor can just start releasing hormones and cause a sudden and lethal inflammation.The first vet online said, yes..the radiation we did to save her life could have caused the thyroid carcinoma.Before we ever did the radiation, I asked about side effects.They told me dogs do not get side effects as humans do.We just requested her records.I am going to go the the senior local vet and have him look it all over.With our Patty, she really didn't have many of the indicators of thyroid tumors.You see, one sign is a lump, but with her it was a general thickening of the neck.Patty had a muscular neck as it was.I know now that it was not my imagination it had felt thicker.Also, a dogs bark will sound different.Patty didn't bark.(she could but just didn't..rarely at another dog or in her sleep, that's all).I know now that you really have to notice every little sign.Patty was so unusally well-behaved and sweet and responsive to us that they were small signs at first.She was like a saint.I even called her saint Patty sometimes, lol.Even up to thurs, she had a great apetite.I'm not entirely sure how easy it is to see a thyroid tumor in a large breed dog in it's early stage.If I could help someone else prevent this or any other type of problem, it would be a wonderful thing, as you said.
Firstly, eatting grass is when they feel slight stomach problems or worse.It doesn't always mean a problem but it is definitely something to notice. We didn't ever know exactly how old Patty was when we got her.We estimate she was 10 when we lost her last week.I guess the lesson there is, don't assume they are just getting a little older if they shows signs of being less active. If your dog barks or whimpers( Patty would only make that sound to get our attention), and you let them out, feed them & see if they are just bored and it's not that,..take it seriously. Certainly vomiting is a serious sign.The first time, I thought maybe she ate too much because we had fed her a lot that day.Don't take chances..maybe even document the little signs. If I had written them down, I might have noticed the seriousness sooner.I did worry but it was from the convergance of all of the things I remembered noticing. Also, we all know how incredibly expensive vets are.I'd say if I had it to do over again.I would go immediately & be more assertive and demand that they only address the immediate issue and nothing else until the less urgent things can be afforded. I actually did do that when I made the appt with our local vet which was too late, of course.They were amenable to that.All you have to do is say,..I'm concerned about a health issue & all of the less pressing things /charges can wait.Don't wait to have your pet checked thinking it'll be ok. It's better to know than not to know.I really did have no clue to even think of such a serious and different type of cancer but if they had noticed it sooner,..I'm not sure in a case like that, that all of the high tech treatments would have truly prolonged her life.I just know we would have been prepared to watch for the signs of her getting very ill and do what we could have to help alleviate her pain.I will always regret not doing it sooner. I know you know all about how expensive cancer care is.You certainly did everything you could to help your 12 year old lab/chow & what a blessing that your 15 year old passed away of old age.That's how we wish all dogs would go.I wish mine had been with us like that.I'm not sure I'll ever get over the guilt of not getting her checked sooner or the pain of knowing she suffered so without us there.I don't know why they didn't call us sooner or when they did, didn't express the urgency of us to get there fast and process it later.However,kind people like you are a big help in alleviating a lot of my sadness and regret.I know she was an angel.I know God created all creatures and loves all of them.I sometimes worry if there is an after-life.I know that's a paradox.It jusat seems almost too good to be true.If there is though, I have to believe that God has the little children and loving dogs right next to him because what is sweeter than them? Thank you so much for your giving of your time to reply and your prayers.I hope that your pain will subside as well and just like with sullsmum ,that you will just be renewed with well-being every time you think of your two best friends..Connie
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Thank You, your words ring deep. I was very fortunate as I had a lot of support from this support group and the ache is no longer there...only the good memories of what was, which I will never forget... I believe that is why I stay here on this website as it has now been over a year.
Your doing the right thing, the research and all and if you find that something was not done within reason, then people need to be made aware and stand accountable. I talked to my neighbor and Shep (her dog) is going to the Vet next week for that blood panel. So thank you again for that. BTW...love the new photo...she sure was beautiful!!!L
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Thanks so much,L .She was very beautiful, inside even more than out.I thought it would make me sad but going through all my family pictures and seeing all the happy times we had with her actually made me feel good.My younger son went through all our photos with me too.It was really nice.He was so loving with Patty & she really loved him.She loved his friends too.She always wanted to get in his room and hang out with them, lol. My older son is the one who brought her home to us.He was really sad too.He didn't live at home some of the years we had her but was still close to her.I hope the information I gave will help.The blood panel and results falsly gave me a sense of relief..normal except higher white blood cells & she had a fever.I thought that meant infection.The experts will know what to look for with your friends dog, Shep.They know how to interpret all the results.Your neighbor is lucky to have a friend like you.You sound like I will be with people and their pets in the future.It's so important to notice the little signs early :( and also not to let vets push you around about what your pet needs and doesn't need at the time.Did your dog succumb to the cancer despite all of the wonderful expert treatment you provided or did your pet get cancer again? I do still think it's crazy that my dog had two different cancers, possibly at the same time.Her original oncologist said it's hard to detect in it's early stages.Makes me wonder if she had it last year.That's possible with thyroid cancer.Also, they would never admit any wrongdoing if the radiation caused it.Even the Dr who treated her when she passed away tried to make us feel like terrible pet owners , as if we didn't care about her.We all adored her.Noone did urgent care quickly enough and he is the reason we weren't by her side.I hope it wasn't caused by the radiation.I will regret ever setting foot in that place if it was.Also, just another point.I know there are some wondeful vets out there but so many places charge So much that many owners can't get ther pets the care they'd like to in a timely manner.I feel there would be a lot more pets alive today if there was some restriction on what they can charge and laws like there are with peoples medical care.I feel like I should never have another dog unless I can afford to take care of them the way they deserve.But then,....what about all of the animals that just need homes or they will die.It's a rough spot to be in in this day & age.I wish the pets were really put first in vet care most of the time.
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I came home one Friday night from work and my dog was just laying by the side of the bed...not even a cheese ball would interest him. I knew this dog inside and out as he found me when he was only 3 weeks old on a location shoot in Fillmore and i just saw in his eyes something was very wrong.
I took him to the vet the next morning and I was told that his spleen had burst and his stomach was filled with blood. They drained his stomach and tested the blood and told me there were cancer cells in the blood and he needed surgery to remove the spleen and see" if or where" the cancer might have spread. This dog was never sick a day in his life "EVER" so I lived in denial (a familiar spot for me) for 4 months. I refused to believe he was sick much less going to die. His surgery was the following Tuesday...I cried, I begged, and made deals with God. I would have done anything to keep this dog alive, but God had a different plan for me which I could not see at that time. I spent every living breathing moment with this dog after his surgery. Strangely enough and with no understanding, I also started packing my belongings in moving boxes from a house I had lived in and raised my daughter in for many years. My daughter was like "what are you doing???" I had no idea!!! It was surreal... The 2 weeks of changing the bandages after his surgery and cleaning the wound. Taking him out every couple of hours so that he could go to the bathroom trying to keep him from running after the horses or the other dogs because he didn't know he had 60 stitches in him. Every week was a trip or 2 or 3 to a different hospital or oncologist for treatments. It was never around the corner and usually a hour away. I was already at the $20,000 mark...and I didn't care...I would have spent my last dime to save him and I had no idea I was even capable of a love like this. We did Chemo once and most dogs get sick for 2 or 3 days, Fillmore was "really sick" for 7 so the Chemo option was out so we tried the holistic route. My day would start with at 7am with this holistic treatment that had to be administered every 20 minutes for 6 hours from an eye dropper that went 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off. Then it was off to Whole Foods Market to buy him all organic meats and vegetables and come home to cook and grind it up in the food processor so that I could put it in a honey bottle and squirt it in his mouth...because at times that was the only way I could get food down him. And of course there was the 20 supplements a day, once after the treatment and once at night I had to get down him. I became this "machine" that just wouldn't stop. Every time he had a bleed and they would pump his stomach...he would get better and I would believe he was going to live. This went on from February 28, 2008 until the early morning of June 12, 2008. It was midnight and I was on the computer still looking for anything that might cure him or help him or miraculously heal him. He was laying under my desk next to my leg when all of the sudden he jumped up and ran out of the room. I was like whats this? He hadn't moved that quickly since he had gotten sick. Then I hear this "thud" and I am now looking for him...and there he was, laying peacefully next to the side of my daughter's bed in the room that she grew up in before she got married...eyes open, tongue out... I just dropped to my knees draping myself over his body and screamed. I closed his eyes and laid with him on the floor for over an hour sobbing hysterically... I couldn't understand why God had done this to me again...taking away another great love. I did not know at that time the kind of love he was going to give back to me...a love that I could never lose again. Fillmore was my youngest dog and I had never been told that big dogs die young and I never thought he would die first, I never ever thought about him dying...period! I also had a 15 year old Sheltie that my daughter rescued when he was 4 who was now blind and deaf and had had 2 seizures from low thyroid which I was able to control by medication. Fillmore was his friend, guide and Guardian Angel, which is probably why he died a month 1/2 later on August 3, 2008. I finally called the ambulance(Fillmore was a big dog) which arrived around 3am. They lifted him onto the stretcher and shaved a piece of fur from his leg and gave it to me. I hugged and kissed him for the last time and stood frozen in the driveway with his fur clutched in my hand and a hardness in my heart as the ambulance drove away. I felt a part of me leaving that had just died with him. I locked myself in my house, closed all of my windows, turned all the phones off and laid in bed with the blanket he always slept on wrapped in my arms. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep.. all I could do was cry!! 2 days went by and my daughter who was really worried and our horse trainer came in to see if I was still alive. I could not open my eyes as they were swollen shut and I probably would have laid there until...I don't know...I just didn't care anymore. It was then that the trainer told me about DS as she had lost her dog the year before. I don't know what compelled me to get up later that day and go to the computer, but I did and I remember seeing this blue line across the screen. I couldn't read it because my vision was blurred from all of the crying and swelling but I pushed this button and up came this website. I had never been on this website or any website before so I followed her directions and came to the Pet Bereavement Support Group. Within an hour and a half, I was being contacted by people who had or were going through the same grief I was going through. Although there were words on a screen by people i had never met, I felt a sense of deep understanding and support that I was just not getting anywhere else...even from my closest friends...they just didn't understand how I could be going through all of this over a "the death of an animal." What I began to understand was to what depth and level "unconditional love and understanding" have in the ability to flow between human beings, whether you physically know them or not and how, for the first time in many decades, I was able to allow myself to receive that love. That was the beginning of my return to God's plan for my life. The rest is a long story and I have already taken more than my share of cyberspace but I will tell you this...one of the "many gifts" that I have received through the death of my dog is the ability to feel deeply a compassion and understanding for others that I have never experienced before. My whole life has changed! I did move a month and 1/2 after Fillmore died and Sheldon died 3 days after that. I went back to writing, something I never thought I would revisit again. I have developed a deep appreciation of substance which has replaced my dependency on form that hopefully will through my writings bring "hope and encouragement" and "light to the path" for anyone who feels the loss and the heartache each and everyone of us at one time or another have felt. Through the fruits of the Holy Spirit I have come to realize peace in my heart and peace in my life. I thank God every day for the love that I shared with my dog and the love I am now able to share with others...L
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L,thank you for sharing your story with me.There's a lot to say about what you went through.First, let me say that you were clearly a remarkable parent to your pets.I too didn't really know the lifespan of a larger breed dog when my son first brought Patty home.Our family dog who I had throughout my childhood was a "mutt" & he lived to be 17.I guess I was really thinking along those lines.We aren't sure how old Patty was, but we think approx 3 1/2-4, hard to know.I was going through all of her photos and making collages of her today.It seems like she was a part of our lives much longer.I found a photo of her ,and this is going to sound pretty silly, but when we first got her, I got her to cuddle next to me.She was still reticent.I even painted her nails with red nail polish, lol.My sons friends who knew Patty seemed to be impressed with how she trusted me.They had been passing Patty around trying to take care of her but noone could really give her a permanant home.Anyway,I found the photo with her fingernails painted and the date was on the back.It was really bothering me not remembering exactly when we got her.Now I know it was July 2003.
I thank you for replying to my post.I see that you had compassion for my not wanting to believe the signs and that she might be ill again, however small at first.She'd had already gone through cancer once. You know, I think the most I take away from your sharing your story with me is that it is not about going over and over the tragic aspects & wondering why our pets and we had to suffer but just realizing we were given a huge gift & to just not ask why...not ask what if, just receive the gift fully.I really got that out of your last paragraphs.I'll always miss her & the sadness of how she went will always be there but I want to take what you've told me about your life and try to focus on how lucky we were.They are just the best "people" you could EVER know.My mother reminds me how her family members died.They suffered and she was not called in time for them.Also, some of my mothers family never had children or romantic love in their lives.We have so much to be grateful for.Parts of my life have certainly been hard, but I've been blessed with 2 children ,2 wonderful dogs, wonderful parents and a lot of great siblings.After Patty got sick last year, I started thinking about the time when I'd lose her.She was 100% happiness.Nothing else is like that.I guess you have already figured this out, but it is better to have loved than never to have loved at all...the deeper the love, srronger the grief.I wouldn't change a thing in terms of loving Patty.I know you feel the same way.It seems like both of us were somewhat naive about our dogs.We didn't seek them out.They just fell into our lives.It's not your fault and I don't think it's mine that we didn't understand the health risks certain breeds can have.Maybe it's even better we didn't, don't you think? I think I found the exact type of thyroid carcinoma Patty died from.It has few symptoms, then become an emergency situation.I do think the Vet hospital failed her.They should have done a tracheotomy very soon after she arrived.She wasn't really seen by any kind of dr until the morning .I believe her prognosis would have been very bleak anyway with this form,but she should have been comforted and had a little more time.I can't keep dwelling on that now, though.Nothing will bring her back to me or change the past.I just try to keep remembering the good times for her sake. The other thing you said about being more compassionate.I feel that way too.So many things just aren't as important anymore...things that never should have been to begin with.I actually found this site because I kept searching the web for things I was feeling..similar stories.I went to this site because a link led me to people who felt guilty but it was because they accidentally killed their dogs or pets.I think I would have been a little judgemental before I lost Patty.I didn't feel that way at all.Just sadness for them. I hope you are healing ok these days and will be able to receive that wonderful kind of love again one day...Connie ..Patty's Mom
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