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My son seems to be spiraling out of control
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I have just found this site today, and from what I've read many of you have lived or living what I'm going through.
I'm a single mom, with 2 boys. My oldest is now 12 and was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 5 at the end of his Kindergarden year. He has been on Ritalin since 1st grade, although we did try Adderal once with terrible side effects. Through the years he has progressed from not only the talkative, impulsive, overactive ADHD kid, but to terrible mood swings, anger issues and low self esteem. He has been in and out of therapy through the years, but the therapy sessions always seem to hurt more than help because he truly HATES being there and acts out at every turn, not even willing to try. For a long time his father and others didn't believe the outbursts and tantrums he was having at home -- until I videotaped one. Now they feel it is more a matter of discipline and that I should have "better control" over my child. The doctor added Abilify with the Ritalin for about 8 months, but he gained so much weight (about 20lbs) that I had the doctor stop the Abilify. He has virtually no social skills and very few if any true friends. The kids that don't avoid him, seem to barely tolerate him just to be nice. He thinks people pick on him, when in reality because of his impulsive obnoxious behaviour he is just an easy target for them. He can look me in the eye one minute, repeat my instructions back to me, then the next do something totally opposite and claim he "didn't know" or he "didn't hear me." He argues about EVERYTHING to a degree that I've truly never seen or experienced before. I understand no kid likes to be disciplined for bad behaviour, but he turns it into a scene, with him yelling, running, screaming, making hateful faces at me, making ugly comments to me, and stomping off to slam the door and hide in his room. He never takes responsibilities for his actions, and he claims that everything he does is because of something else. As the problems grew, I will admit I fed into it with the yelling and scene, because I thought "How dare my child speak to me like this and act like this!" But of course that never helps. I've tried spankings, grounding, taking items away. Nothing ever seems to help for long. I even tried the positive reinforcement for a while, and it helped some, but after a while he simply couldn't do it. I will say, when he is on the medicine, (40mg in the am, 20mg in the early afternoon), he is "relatively" ok at school. However, the times I am around him before school and in the evenings, things escalate quickly. At the slightest instruction or request, there is an argument and attitude. He simply does whatever he wants, because of his severe impulsivity. He is home in the afternoons by himself for about 1 1/2 hours. He CLEARLY knows the rules about cooking on the (gas) stove when I'm not home. But yesterday, and I suspect other days, he used the stove to make a snack. To my credit I didn't yell OR cry. He knew what he'd done wrong by the look on my face, as he always does. He immediately went into his tirade of "I'm sorry. I just didn't think. I screw everything up!" However, these have been his responses to EVERYTHING he's ever done wrong, dating back to preschool. I simply do not know what to do to get through to him. He is not a violent kid, but I see the frustratin and anger building in him and he doesn't know how to vent it. His father is vehemently opposed to more meds, though he is only around him for his visitaion periods, so I'm the one dealng with my son 75% of the time. I have no other adult support at home to help share this day to day battle with and I'm truly at my wits end. I apologize for the lengthy post. I suppose most of that was me needing to simply vent. Can anyone offer any words of advice? Posted on 09/23/09, 11:09 am |
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Boy do I wish I had a magic wand for you. Dealing with this stuff is crazy-making.
A few things ran through my mind while I was reading your post - not sure if any will be helpful. First, what kind of support are you getting? Is there a way to get involved with other parents with kids who have ADHD? I know I do much better when I have the support of people who really get it. Writing here is one way to get support. I just posted a note about sending my son to a social skills group. I know some families find this useful and some don't but I figure it's worth mentioning. Same for one-on-one counseling (both for your son and/or for you). The other thing I wonder about is a medication change. My son was very successful on Ritalin for a number of years and then it just seemed to stop working. He was still better on it than off but really not good enough and he was beginning to complain of increased side effects. Unfortunately we're still struggling to find the right medication - nothing works as well as the Ritalin did in those first few years - but I feel like we're on the right track. I've heard (but have no idea if it's true) that once kids hit adolescence you can see different behaviors and may need different meds. 
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I surely feel for you and can relate 100% with just about everything you said! I was a single mom, too, raising my son from age 15 on, and raising him with a non-involved father before that.
I have no advice to offer, as my son has had his share of problems, even as an adult. I think the most important thing is to take care of you! Let the father take the son for weekends occasionally so you get a nice long break. Make it a regular thing. If you do or have sought out counselling, seek it for yourself as well. Just so you can learn to live "above" this as much as is humanly possible. It is so hard to deal with! These are just suggestions and some things to consider. I hope you can find some help and relief from the worry and frustration! {{HUGS}}
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I can totaly relate to you, being a single mom as well and having no other support. My son's father is not involved in his life at all, and I have no family or close friends nearby, so every day is a struggle to do this all on my own. The hardest part is not being able to take that much-needed break from it all, to take care of you, as grannyskeeter said.
I can honestly say that coming here has helped me a lot. It really makes a difference to talk to others that understand exactly what it is you're going through. And keep trying with the medications. Although we are still trying to fine-tune my son's, I have seen so much improvement with him, and once the right dose was reached, not only did I see improvements with his academics, but his self esteem and behaviour, and even friendships, seemed to increase. He's much happier now than he was a year ago. We still have our bad days, and we still have our terrible days too! But there are good ones too, and for the off days, I find comfort talking here to others that know what it's like. Hang in there! :)
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Thank you for everyone's ideas and concern. My kids do go to their dad's pretty routinely on the every other weekend schedule, but of course they never act the same at his house as they do at mine, and have readily admitted it. The doctors try to comfort me by saying that they reason he acts out with me is because he's "more comfortable at home" and "kids always try to push the buttons of their mother more than the father." While I'm sure that SHOULD make me feel better, it does not at all help when I'm the one dealing with it 90% of the time.
I've asked the doctor about medication changes, but he's always been wary since over all my son does "OK" on the Ritalin. He actually sees a Pediatric Psychologist for the medication, as his Pediatrician won't handle the ADHD meds. Since his moods and behaviours are so erratic, I'm not 100% sure its the Ritalin anyway, but I'm scared to add any more medication to his regiment after the issues with the Abilify. I have no family here, and even when my mom visits from out of town to help out occasionally , she is at her wits end at the end of a week or two and just looks at me and says "I don't know how you do it day in and day out." I just feel so helpless, because I KNOW he doesn't want to be like this, but he doesn't seem capable of WANTING to change either. I have so many fears for him as he is beginning to enter his teenage years. And somedays I just want to ship him off to the military and see what they can do with him. I'd love to take more time for myself, but unless he's with his dad, there are no babysitters that I'm willing to subject to his erratic behaviour. I have looked into local Support Groups, but I've only found a couple even relatively near me, and even those are a good 45 mins away from the part of town I'm in. It helps to know that at least someone here understands and can relate, rather than looking at me like I must be doing something wrong. As of this week, I've strictly implemented high doses of Omega 3 Fish Oil, a B complex vitamin and a Magnesium Zinc vitamin. I've read various research that says these MIGHT help and the doctor seems to think it won't hurt to at least try it. The last couple of days have been bearable, so lets hope we might be on an upward trend!
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hi i just read your post, i dont think theres an easy solution for your problems, but maybe you need to try something else i would go back to your sons doctor and explain how things are and what he suggests to do.
It has taken alot of time to get anywhere for me and my son. Weve had problems with his behaviour since he was 3 hes now 6. He is only just being referred now as i said they cant fob me off anymore. Its controlling my life, the family cant all go out together as my son starts playing up and we have to leave. His behaviour is similar to how you explained your son to be. You ask him do something and he will argue he doesnt want to do it and basically does what he wants. Dosnt listen and he can be very hard to control. He does dangerous things without thinking etc. It must be hard for you but i can understand what its like.
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I know this sounds stooopid, because we've all heard it a million times. But I know I need to keep coming back to it regularly and reevaluating.
STRUCTURE Structure is everything to these kids. Structure in routine, in living areas, in schedules, in discipline, even in food! The least little change can set them off! I've seen my gs go off if my home phone rings (I usually use the cell phone and very seldom get calls on the home phone). And the responses are not always immediate. For example, I have been suffering greatly when "GP" takes him for a day. He never gets a decent nap. I have stressed and stressed the importance of it but GP always has an excuse. Last weekend gs's dad was up with GP and gs actually got his nap both days. I DID NOT have the "after GP visit" re-adjustment days following the visit! And it should have been WORSE because his dad was also there. But because he got his nap in, he was much better behaved the days following the visit than normally. Structure. I think we need to be awful creative. For example, having an ADHD student serve detention after school would be much more disruptive to him than another child, because of the disruption to his schedule. Maybe we could come up with alternatives. Just some thoughts I've had going around through my head the last few days. I was really happy that a seminar on just this is coming to my area. It is specifically aimed at adopted children, but it sooooo relates to my situation (ADHD and raising my gs - family foster). I'll pass on anything I learn if anyone is interested!
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