Parents of Children with ADHD Support Group

Hi Shadow; I too have a 12 year old boy who yes, talks about sex in front of me as well. And I'm thankful because it opens the door to me knowing what he's thinking, and being able to explain what's right and what's wrong. He and his friends do talk about it (and draw pictures I was horrified to find out!) and they do have some interesting misconceptions. At this age they're going (or starting to go through) puberty so it's natural for them to be curious and I think it’s great he feels safe enough to come to you to discuss things!!

I can understand your partner's reaction to your son and I too constantly have to tell my son that he has to learn to keep his hands (and feet) to himself. Does your son have ADHD? And if so, is he on medication for it? I put my son in a 6 week anger management course offered by Child Safe Canada... you could maybe try that? Did it work for my son? Perhaps.. he gets a lot less angry now than he used to.

As for your last question "is it too late?" NEVER!! IT'S NEVER TOO LATE! We learn all our lives and through out life's challenges we learn how to deal with situations and modify our behaviors. We all need “teachers” at every stage in our lives (I still get my parent’s advice now and then too!). Be supportive to how your son is feeling but firm as well about the violence (remove privileges if necessary) and never give up!

I am really no expert here for i am here for help but i am a male, and males will talk about sex ages 12-80 no matter what. Like KeriW said feel good that he is comfortable enough to come talk to you about it, i know when i was 12 i couldn't talk to my mother about it even tho she was trained as a sex counceler. As for the violence if your child is ADHD and on medication from what i have read his hormone imbalance at this age could have something to do with the escalade so talk to your doctor. Even tho he may be medicated the imbalance will cause the dosage or even posibly the medication to be inaffective. So talk to your doctor about that maybe there is something else you can try that will work. Also i have found that a team sport enviornment helps with dicipline and allows them a vent for thier anger and aggresive behavior, as well as teaches them some skills to control thier impulses. Hope i have helped a little bit!! Also don't give up i understand that feeling recently my son drove me to the end of my patience but it brought me to this group and i am thankful for that keep on loving him he is your flesh and blood and no matter what comes out of his mouth he does love you back. Explain some of this to your parterner hopefully it will make sence to him.

I am more than happy for my son to come to me and talk about anything. My way of thinking is better to know then not. I haven't seen any pictures yet (thank god lol),

He does have ADHD and I have recently switched strengths to see if it helps at all. So far no, the come down is more severe at the end of the day and he has lots of trouble sleeping at night. However my partners son who is the same age also has trouble sleeping so guessing that is just an age thing.

He is involved in soccer and other team sports for an outlet. Sometimes I think this makes him angry when they don't perform the way he wants them to. He often feels let down. This summer I want him to try other sports so he can work off some of that enormous energy he seems to have at the end of the day.

Not sure if we have an anger management course here in Australia but I am trying to find lots of different things like that. Currently trying to find an ADHD support group that is local that we might be able to try. Its good to hear that your son is less angry KerriW.

Thank you both for your advice :)

Taking into consideration your first and second post - I would first and foremost revisit his medications. They obviously are not working correctly. The anger should be better controlled as well as the impulsivity. They are all tied together to some degree.
I'd talk to your doc and perhaps try different med or different combination. Keep trying. Don't give up.

I'm going to add another twist here, though. In one aspect I agree with your husband. There are some things in this world that a person just cannot do. Some things that, as a part of society, are totally unacceptable and should not go unpunished or be blamed off on something else (like their disorder).

I am trying to be kind, Shadow, and I hope you will not take offense at what I say next. It is the times when people have been most honest with me that I have learned the most.

In your first post you said "He knows the implications of hurting someone in this way but maybe, as kids do, he just hit the closest thing to him." Do not allow him or yourself to blame his age or his disorder for inappropriate behavior. While they may make the behavior harder to control or may make the child more impulsive, as I said, there are certain things in life that are absolutely not allowed. Hitting someone in the head, or hitting at all out of anger, is one of them!

I say this to you for two reasons - it is my fervent belief that these kids, boys especially but girls also, have a propensity to become abusers, both physical and emotional. It is our responsibility as parents to train them the correct behavior, regardless of their disability. Think of Helen Keller. (gee, I guess I gave both reasons in one sentence! :) )

Your other son (step-son) has a right to not be hit, as does your son. There should always be immediate consequences for those types of actions, regardless. I worked with developmentally disabled children. The concept of "stealing" was very hard for them sometimes. If someone had an icecream bar they had brought for lunch, and the child wanted it, they didn't understand it was "stealing" just to take it! But we insisted they learn the concept and we held them accountable if they stole. We kept repeatedly discussed the concept with them and when it occurred, there were immediate consequences. For example, one girl had to work in a different area and not her favorite area of the store. When she had been "clean" for X amount of time (no stealing), then she was allowed to go back to her favorite job.

This is getting awfully lengthy, but I'd like to add one more thing, and this is one thing I struggle with. That is making the punishment fit the crime. Now, in my mind, hitting someone in the back of the head, no matter why, is serious! I have trouble coming up with appropriate punishments for different infractions. Perhaps you could "mend some fences' with your husband by including him in the determination of consequences.

I wish you well, and I sure hope I haven't offended you. I gave my advice the best I could, and I know, like I said, that sometimes when people have just been very honest with me, even if it hurt a little, it has been the times I have learned the most.

Take my advice for whatever you can glean from it, or not! ;)

God Bless you all!

Hi Shadow, I certainly feel for you that is for sure. I have a question, you and your partner both have 12 year old boys. Are these boys usually close,do they get along for the most part? If not, are they treated equally by both you and your partner? I am thinking that maybe your son (and this is not an excuse by maybe a reason) is frustrated by the other boy. If your son sees the other boy as someone who can never do any wrong or is favored (even in his eyes) this may cause some severe frustration culminating in the smack to the other boy. Just a thought but the other boy may be a lot to live up to in your son's mind. Hope this helps.