What is Oppositional Defiant Disorder ODD
Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) an ongoing pattern of disobedient, hostile, and defiant behavior toward authority figures that goes beyond the bounds of normal childhood behavi...
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My 15 year old son has left home today...
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I'm new to this forum. I guess I just can't sleep, I feel like I want to either cry uncontrollably or I don't know, just be simply numb. Guess I'm sort of doing the latter. I'm pregnant with my second child, so I guess the 'numb' approach is best for me right now.
I won't rave on, basically this problem with our son has been going on for a very long time and became progressively worst once he reached 13 and went to high school. We have sent him to the best schools (costing an obscene amount of money), he has refused to do school work, failed most subjects, been suspended for taking a knife to school. He has threatened to kill my husband and I, has pushed his father and me, has threatened to 'punch me in the belly' knowing that I am pregnant, has stolen his father's credit card and phone, has damaged our home through temper outbursts, has made verbal threats against us, has ignored curfews to the point of staying out all night and day. He has taken ecstasy, and regularly gets his hands on alcohol, smokes cigarettes and marijuana. He is verbally and emotionally abusive, manipulative and calculating. Shows extreme mood swings, never takes responsibility for his own actions, dislikes authority of any kind, rejects any form of direction even if it is to help him. He screams and yells when being questioned and he intimidates me by yelling and making threats. He was caught with a video of another 15 year old performing oral sex on him (on his mobile phone) which he showed to his school friends. Police have cautioned him, a psychiatrist and a psychologist have labelled him narcissistic and ODD. Today, I am 2 months pregnant, he refused to be grounded as a result of another bout of abusive behaviour toward me and his father the other night. So, as a last resort today, I told my son that if he chooses to leave the house today and ignore the fact that he has been grounded, then he should take belongings/clothes that he owns and live elsewhere. I told him he has a choice and if he cannot respect our home and us as parents or even people, then he simply cannot continue living here. He chose to leave. I received a call from a parent of a friend late this afternoon. He has turned up at their house and they have accepted for him to stay there for a few days. The parent said, "he can stay here for a few days ...until things blow over" (??). I thanked the parent but explained the basics of the situation, that there was no heated argument that resulted in my son's leaving. It was a calm directive and my son had a choice, he could either accept being grounded or if not, he needed to leave. He chose to leave calmly. I explained there will not be any 'blowing over' period because there was no blow up in the first place. I don't wish to be judged by other parents who have not lived through what my husband and I have lived through. All that has gone on is totally unacceptable behaviour and I'm struggling with this situation and have been trying to do all I can to work through it, getting him counselling, praising him endlessly when he behaves well, helping him with his job since he has left school, setting up opportunities for him to return to school should he change his mind...but I feel today my son forced my hand. He mocks me, laughs at me, says the most cruel things to me and I just can't handle it any more particularly now that I am pregnant. I am very concerned about the effects of this severe stress on my little baby given that I am still in my first trimester. I do not want to risk losing this baby. Have I done the right thing? The way I see it, my son (based on what he has done in the past) will expect to come home in a few days saying "i love you mamma, I want my family"...these are just words as he has used them in the past only to return to his abusive ways within days. If we accept him back, nothing will have changed, he will have had his little holiday at friends place and will simply behave worst down the track. I want my husband and I to stand strong on the fact that he made a decision when he left today, he now needs to face his consequences and due to the stress that he brings upon my husband and I, he simply cannot return until he is willing to sign a contract of agreement outlining his required behaviour living in our home. My husband is wonderful and we are both very supportive of each other, which is a Godsend I believe. This is a very difficult situation. I'm so sorry this post has become a short novel, but I can't sleep and I should be, but my husband and I are at our wits end. Any help or feedback would be so very much appreciated. I don't have a mum or dad to turn to unfortunately, so I guess I'm looking for reassurance or anyone who has experienced similar. Thanks in advance. Posted on 01/29/08, 01:01 pm |
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get into family counseling and set the rules down, these kidsd will rule the house if you let them, sounds like if you and your husband do not set the rules and get firm he is going to be worse off, yes he will be mad and he may bad choices even with rules, but rules that are done out of love will still take effect even if it is a rough road in the process. we had an olderson who we really thought would end up in prison, he is doing so much better yes he has been in jail that is a horrible feeling for any parent who loves their child, but the last 6 years he has turned his life around he works and pays his bills, yes he still has some things he needs to work on but he is so much better, tell your son that if he is doing drugs you will put him someplace where he can get help. go down to your police station and talk to the officers and tell them that your son has threatened you, give them a heads up on what you are dealing with, next time he threatens or touches youin a way that is threatening call the police, pres charges not because you want to make him miserable because you want to help him and you love him, take things out of his room and tell him by staying in school and behaving he can earn them back, if he is going to act like he is 5 treat that way, lock things up you do not want him to access to. call the ploice when he is not home at curfew. if you love him get tough, and hopefully he will wake up,. know you are not alone and you are doing the best you can, it is hard, the earlier you start getting tough and taking control of your home the better off he will be abd you too, you have a baby to consider too, and do not worry about other parents , people are going to judge that is how they are, but you need to do what is best and just remember they are not walikng in your shoes,, good luck, 
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Hi jbugsmom,
Thanks so very much for your prompt post and strong and supportive words. It really helps hearing reassurance from other parents. The ' tough love' approach is certainly not for sissy's! Thanks once again.
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You have done the right thing. Standing strong protecting yourself and your baby. He gave you son the opportunity to make a decision and he is the one the chose.
I know in my area we have family based counseling which is like mobile therapy but more intensive. They come to your home. This family based therapy from what I am told is the last resort before being put in a residental treatment facility or taken out of the home. Your son sounds very similiar to mine. I would definatly have him evaluated to see if there is anything else going on.
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Hello,
This is the first time I have come to this website and this is the first post I have read. I have a 15 yr old son too, with a lot of same issues. I have just had a big explosion with him and have once again taken to my room for peace. I hear what the replies say about counseling, but I can not get him to go at ALL. I can barely get him to go to school on time.....I have finally confessed to my gyn doc the other day in tears how my last 2 years have been hell. She has a family therapist in the group that I have an appt with next Wednesday. I like the idea about a counselor coming to the house, but I live in such a big city I think that may not be possible. I was getting a knot in my stomach reading the post, made me feel sick that it sounded so much like my life. Out of desperation I have found this website and I am glad I have. Thank you for letting me share, and I wish you all the best in your family.
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One thing I can tell you. Is.. if your son leaves your property without permission HIS choice you than call the police they take him or find him he than goes to the courts and you lose him to the state. My daughter started this nonsense in 8th grade and I'm at my end she is a freshman and has failed all subjects she breaks things and calls me dirt I have hd her in counseling for 11 months she has ODD she started Abilify but no progress.Don't you sometimes wonder are you going to be the next parent on TV for a stupid act your child may have done? It is so depressing to do everything in your power to know avail.
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Thanks everybody for sharing. It is really helpful to read other's experiences and thoughts.
We live in Australia. I've spoken with the police and loved ones and the response has been the same, that what we have endured for the past three years or so has been pure and simple domestic violence and that our son was given a choice to either respect our home or leave. This is our son's choice. The door is open whenever he wants to return and behave in a normal, loving, respectful way. It has been 4 nights now since he left, and it has given me time and space to realise a few things I hadn't realised before. One of those realisations is ...that this is a 'home, it's not just a roof, you can find a roof anywhere. Our home has values which we live by, we treat each other with respect and love. That is the home that we have spent the last 15 years together raising our son in and for the last 3 years or so, our home and our values have been compromised. Without realising, our home has deteriorated into this constantly stressful environment full of unpredictable screaming, yelling, verbal and physical abuse, lies and deceipt. I realise now that with each dramatic episode that our son has invited us into, we have seemed to write ourselves into all of this, enduring abuse to the point where you seem to stop recognising how awful it really is. All the while not realising the incredible cost it has had on our marriage and our own personal happiness. Through each dramatic episode our son has put us through, we have been consistently trying to find solutions, to communicate, to be firm but loving in our approach, to manage each situation as best as we can. The effect of this ongoing drama and stress in our lives is only now really evident, now that he is gone. We are now totally exhausted. I miss my son to the point that it hurts, but I've realised also, that he doesn't want parenting right now. I am a great mother, I have taught my son right from wrong, important values...but if I continue to compromise those very values that are essential in life in my own home, then I am not being a good mother to my son at all. This is not about me, it is about my son. He needs to find out who he is and I pray all those years of raising him well, will untimately shine through. I wanted to add that I found out yesterday my son saw a counselor that I had arranged for him to see. I'm pleased that he went to see her and kept the appointment. At least he has someone to talk to. We will look at family counseling.
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That is so awesome he went to see the counselor. Sometimes our children need to step away from the situation to see they need help. He might of found out it was not so bad at home that others actually expect more from him and wont put up with his attitude.
I think this shows a sign of maturing, that he is willing to look at himself. This shows great promise. Of course just because he went one time does not mean he is all better and should come back. When things like this happen that is what I hang onto because then you know that your child that you raised to be loving and understanding is still in there waiting to come out.
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My sixteen year old is in a theraputic school run by our county in conjunction with our county public schools. Do you have anything like that where you are?
This school also has a residential facility, and my son knows that it is a very real option, not as punishment, but as a safety net for him and me. I don't know anything about those "wilderness programs" and personally, I would be afraid to have my son too far away. Has he ever been hospitalized? I know in our state, no matter who is at fault, it is illegal to lock out your child before the age of 18. Some type of family therapy like jbugsmom, and a theraputic school for your son may be an alternative to his terrorizing you and your family.
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Hi there!
Well, yours may be the most heartwrenching letter I've read on here, so far. Your son and my son apparantly got together and planned how they were going to act! Actually, my son is just a little older than yours, and he has been 95% better for about a year now, after I used a program with him that was recommended by a friend. However...the things that you listed are very familiar to me...and I know that it hurts. First, PLEASE take care of your baby and don't take on anymore stress, if you can help it. I read your last post, and it's good that your son agreed to counseling. My son went to 3 counselors and none of them were really able to build a strong relationship with him so that he would open up and truly talk. The program that I used allowed me to do that, which I'm glad for, because I'm his mom, anyway. Hopefully, you'll have better luck with your counselor...but eventually, your son will need to talk with YOU, because the counselor isn't going to live with him and be in his family. And, in order for that to happen, you'll need to rebuild your relationship with him. Your relationship seems to be suffering greatly, but like mine, I know that you can rebuild it. You obviously care for your son a lot and love him, or you wouldn't have tried so hard with schools and everything else. The oppositional and defiant behaviors are one thing. But saying cruel things and mocking you are behaviors that are usually used by a kid who resents something. Is there any chance that he has had some sort of abuse or trauma in his life...even something that you weren't aware of at the time or something that you've wondered about, but never had any proof of? you don't have to answer that...I'm just bringing it up because it's something I learned from the program that I used. Kids will apparantly try to get away with a lot of things, but when they are downright hateful to parents, there is supposedly some hidden reason for it...and usually, parents don't even know what it is. Well, I know that it can be better! And, I hope that you have the quickest route to peace! Good luck with your son...and with the baby! Kim
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