Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) Support Group

I am new here and am just beginning the journey to understanding. First a little background on me. I am a divorced mother of 2 adult children. I went through the teenage years and felt it was the most tumultuous time of my life. My daughter gave me a very hard row to hoe from about 14 to 16. My son didn’t really hit any rebelliousness until he was a senior and already 18. Mostly with him it was a struggle between him feeling like an adult and me trying to keep limits and boundaries. My daughter and I well that was awful for awhile. Her issues where not so much direct defiance, however I had to be ever vigilant with her because she would try her best to manipulate and lie to gain freedom. It was simply exhausting and awful. Now she is 23 and doing great but I really was not so sure how she was going to be during those bad days... and they were bad days!

So here I am with my children all raised and doing ok. I feel accomplished and so very grateful that we all made it through. I enjoy my kids now a heck of a lot more than the teen years to put it midly. It is such a relief to have a little freedom of my own and not be sick to my stomach worrying over what my kids were up too. There is no greater pleasure than a feeling of “Peace of Mind” nothing even compares.

So now my issue: I am dating a man whose 16 year old son has recently been diagnosed with ODD. We live together and he has shared custody. We have had to have to police at the house and his mother has also had to call several times. The child is completely out of control and so unbelievably disrespectful. He dresses and acts sort of like a street punk, openly and defiantly uses drugs and dares his dad to do anything about it. He was truant a good portion of his sophomore year, steals, has a filthy mouth, and is violent toward his parents. I feel as though he has the keys to the bus and we are all just passengers. All I can hope for is that he doesn’t drive us all over a cliff. Our lives are in complete turmoil when he is around. As the girl friend I don’t know what my role is. I try to keep my own boundaries with him. But how can I sit in a house as just a girl friend while he lights up a joint? As an adult I simply can’t do it. It’s just so wrong but I have no power so I leave. I try my best to be busy outside of the home when he is around. I have actually just sat in a parking lot for hours listening to music so I was not there.

Now here is where this gets a bit gritty and if I offend I am sorry. Please understand I am looking to understand here but feel I must say how I really feel first. I think therapy is a racket, or at least I am suspicious of it. The child’s mother is a therapist, her son and how she operates only confirms my feelings. I also feel as though an oppositional defiant disorder diagnosis is a ruse for therapist to line their pockets and make parents completely powerless and need a therapist to raise their own kids. I have goggled and have seen several references to psychiatric professionals calling ODD “Brat Disease”. I feel that the child needs his parents to step up and take control (I know, not so easy.) He needs structure, boundaries and consequences. I feel he is over indulged emotionally and has passive parents who, because of the divorce, operate on guilt and not as parents. If they can not teach him these things then when he reaches adulthood the world will and that will not be helpful to anyone. Whew! I’m sorry I feel like I just unloaded on all of you. I know it’s complicated and not so easy. This is really the only venue I have to express my feelings.

As “just the girl friend” what advise do you have for me? Do I stay out of it? Wouldn’t it make it even more complicated if I inserted myself? How can I best be supportive? What would you most like to hear from someone? Would direct talk be helpful? Do you believe in “tough love”? Should I keep silent?
Posted on 06/25/12, 03:37 pm