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Advice:
Need help with 12 year old daughter who is defiant
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My daughter is 12 and fits the description of ODD. She can be the sweetest girl but if you make her mad or she doesn't get her way it's like a switch is flipped and she acts out. The last couple of weeks have been awful. When she gets in trouble I ask her to go to her room, of course she doesn't listen the 1st time. It has gotten physical recently, she doesn't think she has to respect adults. I was holding her down by her arms & she spit in my face. That was the last straw for me, I sent her to stay at my moms for 2 days. She is back home but it still continues. I have a 5 year old son & I feel like a referree when I get home from work, she is constantly picking on him. I am at the end of my rope and not quite sure what to do or where to start. She was diagnosed as ADHD a few years ago, she was on meds but I took her off of them because I didn't believe she was ADHD. She has been to a psychologist but she does not speak to anyone to let out her feeling or to explain why she is doing the things she does. She gets in trouble at school but always has an excuse as to why she did what she did. I have noticed a pattern at school, if it's a 1st or 2nd year teacher, she misbehaves or doesn't respect them. If it's a teacher that has been teaching for several years, she doesn't misbehave & the teacher has no trouble with her. I don't understand it at all!! Just looking for advice and support, not quite sure what to do.
Posted on 07/10/12, 11:38 am
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Advice:
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Reply #1 - 07/11/12  2:12pm
" Hi, my daughter is 12 too, 13 next month. Even though I said she's had ADHD since 4, she was just diagnosed with that. I'd been saying she was ODD since 8 and she was dignosed with that last Sept. We have very simliar situations. You never know when she's gonna "flip", the switch reference is so true. My husband and I look at each other and go," what just happened?" She hates being told no, will yell she wishes we were dead, she hates us, throws things, etc.. My daughter used to only really get in trouble on the bus, from 1st to 6th grade. This past year the bus rides are ok but she constantly gets in trouble with the lunch ladies.; disrepect, throwing things, mouthing off to them, etc.. It seemed as if every week I was getting a disciplinary report from school.
She has also threatened suicide a few times, the last time we called the police (which they noticed she had cut both of her arms with scissors. Supposedly, for the first time) and she was transported via ambulance to the psych unit at a local hospital, but after 5 1/2 hours in their waiting room they released her because she calmed down.
We have my daughter in counseling (which she hates, we're on #5), she will see a new psychiatrist soon. She also has Depression. She may get meds soon but I would like to hear the Dr's/counselors view on the all natural Synaptol.
This is tough, and then add puberty! Everyday there's a new battle and it's very tiring mentally and physically. If you can get out at least once or twice a month alone to get a few hours break. That helps a little.
Not sure of what advice I can give, because I haven't found any real anwers yet, but I still read alot, search on the internet and talk to professionals to see if I can find what will fit our family best.
Good Luck! Come back anytime. We're good listeners.
Have a good week! "
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Reply #2 - 07/12/12  11:23am
" Thanks for your comments. Glad to hear from someone that understands and has been in my "shoes". Yep my hubby and I actually took a day trip yesterday just to get away & it was great and I feel refreshed for now. "
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Reply #3 - 07/26/12  11:54pm
" Hi, I don't really have any advice for you but I have a daughter who shows the same symptoms as both of your does. I think I figured out the teacher thing. My daughter does OK with teachers who are highly structured and treat every child in their class the same way. She is very black and white and can't get passed any kind of favoritism in school. It doesn't matter new or old but maybe in your case the more experienced teachers are not as easily minipulated and have seen it all and can handle kids like ours better. My daughter has one teacher who she had the last two years and this woman is almost 70 and she takes no crap from anyone and she sends no kids out of her classroom she doens't have to because she handles them all herself. I think my daughter does much better with a lot of structure which I have never been one to give her, God knows I have tried but I am very scattered and I live in what I call organized chaos! I find myself either bribing her or blackmailing her to get her to do anything at all. Other parents tell their kids to come in for supper and they go mine tells me to go to hell. I try really hard to be involved and try to get her to talk to me or counselors (she has had 4, didn't work we are looking for 5) but she won't she just seems so angry all the time. Oh and if something in her life doesn't go right it is always MY fault. All the teachers and therapists and counselors tell me I am doing the best I can and I should give myself a pat on the back but everone in my family (including her father) tell me she acts like she does because I didn't spank her (well Yeah I tried that and got hit in the head with a toy when she wasn't even 2) that I gave in too much, that I didn't discipline her well enough. Of course hindsight is 20/20 and I probably could and should have done things differently but I didn't so i take one day at a time. Sorry i don't think I gave you any advice I think I would like to join you in asking for advice:) Hang in! "
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Reply #4 - 08/03/12  4:36pm
" To Kelly,
Don't be hard on yourself. There are plenty of kids in the world that don't get spanked and don't act like that. There is probably nothing you could have done to prevent this. We spanked, we took away privileges until she had none, we went to counseling, we tried 'Total Transformation', We tried 'Beyond Consequences', we tried medication. Nothing has changed. She is now 18. She will be moving out in January. Hopefully, then things will get better. "

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