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Discussion:
Thinking you did something terrible in past??
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Hi there! Thanks for reading. Ok, let me give you a run down on me. I have been suffering from OCD since I was little. I was diagnosed at age 16 as I was having terrible thoughts and I did not know what was wrong with me. Things have been "easier" since I have known what was wrong with me, but of course I still have my severe bouts and it gets "better" and "worse" sporatically. Anyway, I went on 100 mg of Zoloft about 3 years ago and it has really helped me a lot. Of course, as we all know, OCD won't ever truly go completey away as it is a chemical imbalance in our brains, but the medicine helps the way I react to my symptoms, if that makes sense. So I discovered I was pregnant in January and decided to try going off of the medicine just until the baby was born. Well, I did not like being off of it at all and decided it was better to go back on. Then, I discovered I had a missed miscarriage (which I am still sort of in the middle of), so needless to say between my hormones, my emotions and trying to get the medicine back in my system I have been having some anxiety. Oh, also, my husband is in the military for another year and a half and travels a lot and I seem to get extra anxious before I know he is going to be one for awhile and he is going away next month:-(

So, with all that said, one day while I was off the medicine (I'm pretty sure) my mind traveled for some reason (not sure where this even came from) and I started thinking about this one time that I babysat when I was young (I think like 13 years old). I guess this came from the idea of having a baby which I was and am really excited for when it happens again! Anyway, I remembered that I was babysitting with my friend and I remembered we were changing the little girl's diaper and I think we were just curious little girls and I remember we were just like (this is going to sound terrible) checking out what was going on down there - like just looking and being curious little girls. This was all while we were changing her diaper. Anyway, it was obviously many years ago and a very blurry memory, but some how I managed to convince myself that maybe we molested this little girl although I KNOW that we did not and I know we would not have done anything to harm her. Then, part of my ocd is being obsessed with suicide and what if I want to do that (although I know I don't) and then of course that gets me depressed and somehow I fear that I do want to, when I know I don't. So then through all this, I "convinced myself" (just through obsessions and irrational thinking) that I did something horrible and there for must "have to" kill myself. Once again, I recognize that this irrational and there is not ever a reason to kill yourself and I didn't even do anything bad and I was a little girl. Sorry this was so long - does anyone have any advice to ease my mind and help me realize I don't "have to" kill myself ever and help me to stand up to this fear and move on? Anyone ever "try to convince themself" that they did something horrible when they know deep down inside that they didn't????
Posted on 03/21/08, 09:00 am
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Reply #1 - 03/21/08  9:55am
" Thanks so much! It's so nice to hear someone have the exact same thoughts! I get the sense of guilt quite often, usually irrationally and sometimes so strong when I know I need to forgive myself and accept that usually I'm overreacting. The distance thing with the men is so tough! I don't know what it is - I have a lot of friends and plenty to do and an AMAZING dog to keep me company and occupied, but I fear being alone for too long just because when I'm alone is when the thoughts get worse, does that make sense? And with the suicide thoughts, I agree its like because we think it we feel like - well where did it come from?? Same with fears of harming other people. All in all, we need to remind ourselves that its not us, its the ocd!!!! "
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Reply #2 - 03/21/08  10:22am
" hey michimich,
i think if you had really done something to that baby all those years ago i think that it would have come up before now. even though we may not understand fully sexual acts when we are young we still know that they are wrong you know? this would have troubled you years ago the fact it has popped up now and you dont really think you did something wrong would say to me you didn't. think you have to just tell yoursself its your ocd when these thoughts start cropping up again you know? "
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Reply #3 - 03/21/08  10:31am
" I cannot believe what I'm hearing. I have been going through something very similiar. I was so down on myself for entertaining the idea of suicide but don't feel I would ever actually do it on purpose. I didn't realize after so many years of suffering from OCD that is might be part of the illness. "
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Reply #4 - 03/21/08  10:55am
" Yeah, its pretty amazing when you realize the thoughts you are having are part of your illness (although part of our illness is doubt so we doubt that but know it in our hearts). Also, I agree that if I would have really done something to that baby (although I know it's not in my nature) I would have known years ago. Thank you so much for that advice! I hadn't thought of it that way. This thought popped in just weeks ago when I was off the medicine. I guess then I wonder is it so bad that I "inspected what was going on down there". Then I realize that I was with a friend and we were just being immature little curious girls and there was no foul. This disorder is so frustrating! It's hard too when the people who love you know you have it, but don't understand because they don't have it. I'm glad I found this website! "
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Reply #5 - 03/21/08  11:10am
" I was really grateful for your post. I have very similar thoughts except i think that i blackout and have sex with random people and get some disease and then give it to my partner. of course i feel so much guilt over it that the thought of killing myself enters my mind. for as much as this disorder sucks, and i wouldn't wish it on anybody, it does make me feel kind of safer knowing that i am not the only one out there whose head talks to them too much. "
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Reply #6 - 03/21/08  6:44pm
" I had a very similar experience, it took me so long to realize that I couldnt even remember it! OCD made me crazy.....I think I have finally gotten over it!! PRAISE GOD!! "
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Reply #7 - 07/16/08  11:32pm
" I'm so happy I found this. I actually just posted something similar to this, because I find myself always fearful I will remember something terrible that I did as a child. For example, today I saw a horror film that triggered a new set of obsessions, similar to that. I'll get images and wonder if they were memory. It's hard to tell, especially if you have an active imagination such as myself, they can be very hard. But you have to trust yourself, breathe and remember you will remember anything of significance. It always helps me. But my counselor says, it's mind body spirit. The body reacts to the mind (feelings, thoughts) and affects our spirit. I'm so happy I found this, I thought I was the only one. I feel guilty for stuff all the time in childhood. Have a good day. "
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Reply #8 - 07/17/08  9:12pm
" Yes, I've done the exact same thing. I had a dream about my toddler when I was pregnant with my now 6 month old of sexual nature & then I started worrying that I could have really done that & I was sleepwalking or i did it & it was too horrible to remember so I blocked it out. I know it didn't really happen either because when the what ifs popped up the next day i remember thinking, Oh God, what is it? you don't have anything else to worry about so now you are going to worry about something stupid like this?" By the way, it's natural curiosity to wonder what other kids look like down there as a kid, I think all kids have done something of the sort, be it show & tell or whatever. I had a little nephew when i was about 7yrs old & he was walking around naked & out of curiousity I wanted to look because I didn't know what little boys looked like. "
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Reply #9 - 08/27/08  12:46am
" i have had the same problem. i believe i have sexually molested some people. i just cant remember if i did or not. and i have images in my mind of doing it. i dont know if these images are just my imagination or if there actual memories. and its too big an issue to just say "oh, well i am not sure" and just leave it at that. if i did molest these people then i know i have to kill myself. not just out of guilt, but of how my family would react. i couldnt bear to lose there love.

so i think of ways to prove if i did it or didnt do it. i have to know for sure.

i dont know what to do. i mean, i have made arguments in my mind of how i could do such a despicable act, and they are reasonable points.

i mean it is possible to have ocd and be a bad person capable of these bad things. i have to know for sure.

does anyone know what to do? "
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Reply #10 - 08/27/08  3:22pm
" I'm new to this site and am just beginning to realize that OCD may be at the root of the depression and anxiety that I've been struggling wtih for years.

I've had the "oh no, I might have the desire to commit suicide" thoughts, even though I knew that wasn't what I was really feeling. It's so strange how the mind can turn almost anything into a fearful thought.

Thank you for your post - I see so much of myself in what you have said. It gives me some relief to feel like I'm not alone. "

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