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OCD guilt, false memories, etc.
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I stopped drinking because every time I would even have a beer I would worry if I kissed someone and forgot...and I would feel so guilty like I cheated on my boyfriend, even if I didn't think I actually did anything.

I completely stopped drinking due to this obsessive worry, but now I feel guilty even when I'm completely sober. For example, I was at work and some kid who's a little on the flirty side came over and talked to me. We talked about money issues, and then he walked away. Well, I had the thought 'what if I kissed him / tried to?' even though i'm not interested in him at all. Since I imagined it, I think it's becoming a false memory. I feel so guilty, like there's a chance I did something, and it's getting harder and harder every day for me to flat out say "I didn't do anything." I'm finding myself saying "I don't THINK I did anything."

This is ruining my relationship, and my life. I'm constantly feeling guilty, and from being so stressed over things like this constantly, every little thing makes me mad and flip out. I keep trying to just tell myself to stop, that i'd remember if I did something, but it's not helping anymore...the 'what-ifs' just keep coming back and making me doubt myself. What if i'm not as good of a person as I've always believed, what if I am a cheater, what if I had a moment where somehow I didn't want my boyfriend (even though I don't think i've ever not thought about him the whole time we've been together). It's gotten to the point where the other day, I flat out told my boyfriend I cheated on him, just in case, and so I could let the guilt go.

I'm really feeling crazy, and everyone keeps telling me they know I wouldn't do anything, but i'm finding it really hard to trust myself and anybody else's opinion. I'm uninsured so I can't afford a therapist right now, and I really don't know what to do. Someone PLEASE give me any kind of advice, I really need it.
Posted on 09/07/10, 11:21 pm
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Reply #1 - 09/08/10  12:32am
" this happens a lot with me also. id be scared to look back at my relationship memories becuase i would think of something that i did but i really didnt do it, i go through it too and its unfortunate that we think these things "
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Reply #2 - 11/29/10  4:02pm
" Do you ever take memories from past events that actually happened where you hooked up with someone before you were with your bf and thought they happened while you were with your bf? I'm having trouble with that right now, also thinking that I cheated on my husband during times when I've been drunk and with my friends and he wasn't there. "
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Reply #3 - 11/30/10  3:01pm
" You are definately not alone. I have the same problem.....My OCD is so horrible, I always doubt myself also and I have "fake memories" that I guess I convince myself that they're real.....I'm so glad I read this because sometimes actually all the time I feel so alone like nobody else has this. Thank you for posting. "
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Reply #4 - 12/03/10  7:49am
" I have this about one particular night that happened over a year ago now...but I just tell myself this: I can remeber getting home, I can remember paying the taxi man etc etc so why would I not be able to remember anything before hand? I don't remember cheating and I'm sure if I did do something as bad as that then I would have been absolutely distraught and wanting to confess to my BF straight away!!! There is no way I could have continued to have a good night if I had have cheated on him.

Just try to draw a line under it, let it go and moving forward, to help you, maybe write stuff down. I know it sounds silly but when you go out, take a notebook with you and every half an hour pop into the loo and write down something like 10pm - still havent cheated! 10.30pm - still havent cheated! Its simple but it might help you..

Good luck and try to start trusting your own judgement a little bit more. You would KNOW if you cheated on your BF if you care about him!!! "
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Reply #5 - 02/25/11  7:41pm
" This is happening to me too and it sucks! :( i know exactly how you feel, im always doubting whether I did this specific thing in the past so i feel like i might be a horrible person. "
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Reply #6 - 02/25/11  11:45pm
" LivingwithOCD-I do this too, but basically just try to talk myself out of it...

Now I'm having a problem even worrying about kissing people SOBER! If I talk to a coworker who's a guy, later i'll think back and try to figure out if I did anything...Even though I love my boyfriend and don't want anyone else. It forces me to analyze every little thing I say to EVERYONE. It's pretty frustrating.

Thank you all for your support and advice! "
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Reply #7 - 02/26/11  10:09am
" When I do the slightest thing my brain tells me I am a bad person and I feel really guilty and have to tell my boyfriend. I've fowarded txts to him of conversations I have had with a male friend because I feel extremely guilty for talking to anther guy. It doesn't even matter what we talk about I just get a huge rush of guilt and I feel like I did something bad and I am a bad person. I feel like if I don't tell him exactly what was said some how I cheated on him which I know makes no sense but the feels are so real. Just letting you know that I know how you feel. Sorry I have no advice. "
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Reply #8 - 02/26/11  11:28pm
" wow...i am so glad i came across these blogs......i felt so alone...i deal with the exact same thing...i always second guess my actions when i know in my right mind nothing happened...exspecially if im alone with someone....I wouldnt wish OCD on my worst enemy....anytime im with a girl alone after its over i wonder if something happened.....Sometimes even when im with not homophobic...but its still disturbing to second guess things that have happened even moments after they occured. i have had OCD all my life and only recently have gotten some treatment...I am on zoloft 200 mg a day and 4 mg of zanax a day...this doesnt seem to help at all.....anytime i try to open up to people about my OCD they always reply " i have it too" ..and they really dont.....they dont understand severe OCD...being clean and tidy doesnt make u ocd...i feel no one can understand until i read some of these quotes..i feel so alone and am exhausted at the end of the day by trying to go through my mantras, etc. to help me ocd use to be more of the mental (second guessing, guilt, obsessing over possibilities...the most painful part is there is a part of me that knows that im unreasonable...i go through these assurances in my head over and over when i have episodes....just when i think i gott it under control, the urge to reassure myself comes back stronger..... "

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