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Subconscious Suicide or ?
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Hello everybody,
I have thought long and hard about this and Subconscious Suicide is all I can think of...a little backstory on my situation. I have always been a big person,nothing obese...dropped from high school day before sen. year started as my "father" said I leave or be arrested. I have been called a very angry person,always snapping at people,screaming at other idiot drivers but have never struck a loved one or anyone from anger. oct. 2000 - I was working for a retail construction company and had a accident in a company truck ( pickup ) I rolled the truck on a cloverleaf exit and while in the hospital was diagnosed with sleep apena,diabetes,high bloodpressure ...my glucose was almost 600 ! At this time I was maybe 80+ pounds overweight. So I lost my job,fell into a heavy drepression,tried to get other work with no success and managed to gain 200+ pounds since then. At the present time,still on ssi,working PT and living alone and at last count was 439 pounds @ 5'10" .... I know I should not eat the wrong things,it's like I just do not care,no thought of the future,I actually would welcome death but cannot bring myself to do the deed,I seriously thought I would have died by now,I do not exercise,no social life,I did stop smoking cigs in 2005 but am addicted to marijuana,no booze or other drugs. I have tried to get help from a mental heath professional but cannot afford the co payments,attempted to have gastro bypass surgury but realized I could never go through all the steps to have it done and gave up on that and I know I can lost the weight myself if I had the drive / will / want to do it ? I am not a bad person,I am very caring and a true romantic but do not like myself and that does not help trying to find a partner to care for / be with. Subconscious Suicide or just another mental defect ? Posted on 07/02/12, 08:25 pm |
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Sometimes when we lose hope it seems easier to do nothing. The thought of losing can be overwhelming when you really think about what must be done. However its never ever too late. You must want to live and be healthy for you. We are all worth it. Small steps are really the beat way to start. Drink more water, replace a little good food for bad, keep track of what u eat and why, walk a little then a little more. It's mot easy. I struggle with eating for comfort. 
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Is there any free counselling available? Maybe look at your doctor's surgery or library or church. There are often kind people in a community who will offer services for free or pay what you can afford.
What do people in the US usually do if they can't afford healthcare? Are there any organizations who can help, either local or national?
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J, I think the very fact you posted here shows your willingness to deal with losing weight. It's within all of us to get back into control, we're not weaker than the ones that succeed, we just give up too easily. I just rejoined DS with the hopes of getting much needed support, I really need to lose this weight as it's beginning to affect my knees, etc. I've been taking small steps towards a total commitment to a strict plan. So, whenever you get started on your plan, just know there's a lady going thru the same struggles that you are, but we can do it. Keep us posted on how you're doing, you will inspire us.
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sere...That is the problem,I do not care if I die at this point,I welcome it as the pain and general B.S. involved with being this large and for this reason I do not have the will or want to try again after so many failures.
lizzie...I have not found anything that is free or my medicare covers . Emma...I do want to lose it but like I said I never stick with anything,I get frustraited and say screw it,same with exercising or having a social life as I have some pretty bad panic attacks now to boot,I mean just standing in a line at the store,it get so bad I have to leave. I am great at giving support and advice but am a total loss @ myself....kinda funny in a sad way... Another factor is that my "father" and his 4 brothers all died of heart failure before they could make it to 60 and they were not 400 + pounds....I don't get it.. Thanks for the words though ladies,I am so tired of this,I had no where else to turn anymore. Have a great day and a better 4th...stay safe. J.
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Hello J,
After reading your thoughts, it brought back so many memorys of my own struggles when I reached that breaking point. You said something so powerful J and that is I know I can lose the wieght myself if I had the drive/ will/ want to do it? I am not a bad person and you're right you're not a bad person and you do have the will because you're reaching out for the support here on DS.. J, you can do it, just take the step and try one more time. I know if I can do it you can do it. We all have a testimony in every test that we have to pass, you can do it my friend, because you're worth it. Suicide is not an oppositon, you're life is worth living, because it holds purpose always remeber that. I'm praying for you, so keep us posted.
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J, death is an irreversible condition. By coming to DS you are choosing hope over despair. It seems to me that you want to start living a more complete, joyful life. You have one step in hell and one in paradise. You do have the capacity to step into your paradise.
Just begin and put one foot in front of the other. You will stumble and even fall at times, but if you keep going-you will get there. Have you considered over eaters anonymous? It's free and there you will find people who struggle as you do and who succeed as you will. You sound depressed and it would really be worth it to ask your md about that. You are worth so much love, joy and peace. I so hope you find the strength within yourself and the strength from this site and others to help pull yourself up. Little by little you can move forward and have what you deserve.
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Been there done that...okay not the guy thing or the 400+ but the thought process,oh yea....I recognize it BIG TIME! I have no answers for you, I can tell you that I take it baby step by baby step like I am walking a tight rope over a windy gorge and just need to concentrate on the next step. And i can't tell you it will get better because that is up to you. But I realized that I have very little control over my life but the one thing I do control is what I put in my mouth ....and it is the same for you,you control what you put in your mouth. Only you can decide that this day ,this minute is worth living...enjoying....having(even with the pain,anger,disappoints and body you are mad at) but if you do decide we are just a click away to lend a ear or send a hug!
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