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Discussion:
My Parents Don't Support Me!
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I am 18 years old and in September I start university. I weigh roughly 190lbs and I want to get that number down to 140 - 150lbs. I have been trying to lose weight on and off for years. I was emotionally and mentally abused by my sister for the first 16 years of my life. She repeatedly told me that I was stupid, that nobody loved me, that I was worthless and she always put me down about my weight. So for a long time I looked to food. But then due to arguments she left the family and I haven't seen her in a couple of years. After which, I stopped eating a lot of food, my portions definitely reduced, I stopped snacking. And it was then that I realised how severe the situation that I was in with my sister. I didn't need food anymore. However, food is still an issue. My mum stopped working due to health reasons and so she started eating and she gained weight. There is still a lot of fatty foods in my diet that I don't need. My mum still asks me after dinner, 'do you want ice cream?' 'do you want a biscuit?' 'do you want something to eat?' and I always tell her, 'nope, i'm fine, i'm hungry' but she doesn't take no for an answer. And this is my biggest challenge. The amounts of times that I have lost weight because I am exercising and my mum finally agrees to go on a 'healthy eating regime' and then she says the classic line 'we are all allowed a treat once in a while' and then after a week/two weeks I start to put weight back on because both of my parents make me feel guilty about not having that cake, that chocolate bar, that bowl of ice cream and yet I feel more guilty after I have ate it. And when I do decide to have a chocolate bar or a packet of crisps on my own accord they make feel guilty about that too. They tell that I have heart attacks on dad's side and diabetes on my mum's side and that I need to lose the weight and when I do they tell me to eat. I can't win with them.

Exercise has always been my biggest difficulty. My parents aren't sporty and they have never encouraged sport. So I have become quite lazy because of that. I enjoy exercise. I have these dance workout DVD's that I do and I love them. I love the feeling I get. I am a very energetic person. I dance around even when there is no music playing, I am that kind of person. But when I do these DVD's I feel very proud of myself because I very rarely do them so it is a kind of achievement for myself when I turn 'oh I'll do it tommorow' into 'I'm doing this today' and when I tell my parents my dad said 'I don't see why you're doing it, you will just quite tommorow' and when I am still doing it for more than a week my mum begins to roll her eyes and say 'again?' and she tells me 'if you're tired or sore, don't do it'. My parents don't encourage this and so I lose my motivation to exercise. And then when I stop I put the weight back on and I get depressed. And when I get depressed I'll eat.

I don't want to look the way I do when I go to university in September. I have never had a boyfriend because of my lack of confidence and self-esteem. If I lose weight then I know I will be happy and I will have the confidence to go out there and get myself a man! This is why I am here, because I need some support system. I hate it how my mother expects me to support her in her problems and goals but she can't support me with this. This is my life not hers and I am not going to let her make me even more fat. But I can't do this alone. Please, anyone encourage me in my weight loss and I will do my best in encouraging you in yours.
Posted on 04/30/12, 06:28 am
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Reply #1 - 04/30/12  7:24am
" Well first off i have to say i'm glad your not letting them stop you at all, and you realize that it's not helping you.

I'm not in as bad of a spot as you are with my family though i can relate for sure my mom makes cakes after i told her i'm trying to lose weight that i need to lose weight for medical reasons. I ask them not to buy food for me but they do all the time going oh you like that candy and i saw it so i bought it for you after i asked them not to.

Though i grew up very sporty and busy i used to say i just burned out around age 9 i went from playing on a few teams swimming in the summer with a couch to nothing by the age 13 i burned out.

I'm just telling you this cus even with that now a days at 26 it takes a lot to get me to work out though once i start like you i don't mind it. it's just starting.

But your doing the right things i'm on here and i use myfitnesspal.com to try to keep myself motivated. ( and a trip next year i'm going to jamaica)

But you can do it don't listen to them it's not easy if it was easy everyone could do it. just set up your own goals you can meet and do so, and keep your head up. "
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Reply #2 - 04/30/12  1:39pm
" Hi

I wanted to say, if your problem lies as you say in self esteem, that won't be solved by losing weight. You may just find other 'faults' and latch onto those. Or you will get back into a rut and put the weight back on. If you have these sorts of problems you need to look into counselling or therapy to change your outlook and thought patterns. Boys and men who are worthwhile like women of any size as long as you like yourself, I think that's the key.

Don't worry about not having boyfriends,I never had one till I got a job after university. Most of that stuff is like one night stands and stuff that people don't really enjoy and just do it to fit in. I found my boyfriend at my first job. Also, at university they have loads of clubs and societies to join, make the most of that. "
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Reply #3 - 04/30/12  2:03pm
" Thanks, meweird, that happens to me so much. My mum usually buys these sharing bags of crisps for me and my dad and I tell her don't buy me them anymore because I know that I'll probs eat them in one sitting but she still buys me them and so much more stuff that I tell her not to buy me. It's so frustrating!

They way I am trying to get myself motivated is by writing quotes onto sticky notes and sticking them to my TV and so every time I go to put a fitness workout DVD, hopefully it will get me going. "
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Reply #4 - 04/30/12  8:00pm
" Yea I'm using that website and i'm pretty much eating everything i want but i'm taking note of how much i'm eating. portion sizes for most day to day living is something hard to realize how much i'm really eating vs how much i really need to be full.

So far so good but i'm just a week in i think? or a week in Wednesday haha... lets hope i keep this up but yes notes around i on the back of my door have don't break the chains going on, i have 3 of them 2 of them are fairly easy, ( one don't eat after 2 am till i wake up the next day AKA no late night eating, drink 2 liters of water a day (but beware at first you might gain some water weight but it really dose make me less hungry/fuller) and the harder last one is to move for 30 mins a day which means anything from walking the dogs for 30 mins or going to the gym or swimming just up and moving for 30 mins a day... so far thats the one i'm having trouble with but it's okay i'm giving myself time to work in to it.

But see those are all good habits and if i keep to them i'm sure i will lose some weight and keeping track of what i eat too is helping a lot.

But yes just remember that a serving of chips won't most likely break you and add on the pounds but the bag will. ( and thats something i fail at too my mom buys family bags of chips that only i like it takes a bit of will power to do one of two things pretend it's not there or eat just one serving at a time till it's gone and yes i mean counting out the chips.) "
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Reply #5 - 04/30/12  8:43pm
" I think if you really put your mind to it you will lose that weight by September. Your Mom is very conflicted about the whole weight loss thing (yours and hers). You and your mom and to some extent your dad are very enmeshed with each other. I'm afraid it's going to take alot of strength on your part to separate yourself from them emotionally. Of course you will still love them very much but food wise you must take control of your own eating life. You must make a plan and stick to it. Go to one of those calorie calculator sites and figure out how many calories per day to lose a certain amount of weight by sept.
I tell myself that fried food, white bread, pasta, rice and cereals are poison to my body (and if you do some research you will see that they are. No chips or sugar in any form except fresh fruit.
Exercise every day in some form or other-even if it's just a fast walk. Drink lots of water. No soda or juice. Skim milk. No butter.
It can be done and it has been done and you can do it.
No need to feel guilty whatsoever for saying no to crappy food.

Your post has really touched me. I can feel how much you want this and I see so much strength in you.
You will screw up at times and that's ok! Just get right back to it.
Don't starve yourself. Eat plenty of the good stuff.
You can do it. You CAN do it. "
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Reply #6 - 05/01/12  2:52pm
" Well today after dinner by mum was like 'there's some rice pudding in the cupboard if you want it' and I said NO and then she offered me ice cream and again I said NO. And then she went and got the tub of ice cream and ate it, while I was doing the dishes. And I kinda felt bad for her. My dad never had a pudding either and he kinda gave my mum a look and she was like, 'I never had lunch'. I would love for my mum to get healthy and take on healthy eating habits; mainly cos it would help me out big time but also I just want my mum to be happy because like me she does get depressed about her weight but she doesn't have the willpower to change it. I would like to set an example for her (even though that's her job) and show her that losing weight can happen.

Although saying that she came into my bedroom tonight while I was doing a fitness DVD and she didn't really say anything about it. She was doing her shopping list and I gave her mine and it had a big table on it with two columns, one was titled yes and that had healthy meal suggestions and snacks and stuff on it and the other was titled no and it had all of the shitty foods on it that she normally buys me and she was fine with it. She tried to make excuses for some of the bad foods with her famous line of 'but you're allowed a treat once in a while' and I just told her 'It's ok. I'd rather have some raisins instead of crisps'. Then tonight at suppertime, as usual my dad went to the biscuit tin and brought out a dozen biscuits and then my mum offered me a packet of crisps and I refused. After my dad scoffed his biscuits he went and got a packet of crisps and I was again asked if I wanted a packet and again I refused. And he asked me why and before I could say anything my mum said, 'she knows what she wants inside her body unlike us'. So I hope my mum continues that attitude and that she and my dad will stop harassing me with these temptations. I have proved many times today in the space of a couple of hours to say no and hopefully if I say it enough times my parents my will get the message.

I have the willpower to change this summer, 100% I know that. I'm naturally stubborn. I can do this! Totally! "
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Reply #7 - 05/01/12  5:24pm
" wow thats bad but yes you can do that! Also when i get hungry and i see others eating stuff like chips and cookies around me and they offer me some i go no and do go for a healthier snack. Last night my sister came in around midnight and was eating ice cream and it made me really hungry so i got an apple. ( which was really good) "
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Reply #8 - 05/01/12  9:49pm
" Jen, it sounds like you did fabulously! Your stubbornness will really help. Maybe in a quiet moment you can sit your parents down and tell them it would really help you if they didn't offer you crisps and ice cream and such. As you become healthier and fitter, they may see it as an insult to them and their parenting of you. This may cause more sabotage, so you will have to be extra stubborn. On the other hand, maybe your mum will want to join you in your healthy eating and that would be so wonderful for both of you.
If you mum knows you will continue no matter what, she may start to join you.
I'm so admire your strength. "
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Reply #9 - 05/03/12  3:10pm
" I have realised the route of my previous failures at losing weight. My whole life I have done things on my own. My greatest achievement was getting into university and I did that all by myself but when I comes to losing weight I always seem to start it with my mum or my dad and then I fail because they fail. So if I do this on my own then perhaps I will not fail this time. I no longer say to my parents, 'I'm off to exercise' or 'I exercised this morning, go me' because I know in doing that they will put me down and I will fail. Previously, I would be doing well, I would be enjoying the exercise and I would lose a little weight but then my mum would fail and soon I would follow in her footsteps. If I do this on my own without my parents then the only person that I can make me fail is myself and I will not do that!

This weekend I am going to the caravan with my parents and I am panicking! This weekend is going to be a challenge for me. There will be a lot more temptation this weekend and so it will be harder for me to say no. I also will not be able to use my fitness DVD's because I get very paranoid about people staring at me. However, I will be surrounded my woods and so hopefully I will be able to find a good walk to do. It will be a hard but I can totally do it. I have decided though that if I manage to say no all weekend and I go for a couple of jogs round the woods then next week I will treat myself to that handbag I have my eye on. That will be my motivation. Hopefully my stubbornness wont fail me.

I'll let you know Tuesday how I do. Wish me luck! "
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Reply #10 - 05/03/12  10:42pm
" Jen, you are developing some great insights as to why your previous attempts to get healthy didn't work out. I really think you have something there!
You have a good plan for your weekend too. Having a non-eating reward for yourself is a great idea.
You are starting to see yourself as separate from your parents and that will really help u continue on without seeing their shortcomings as your own.
Have a wonderful time. Drink lots of water, eat healthy food to nourish your body and keep moving! That new bag is as good as yours!!! "

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