Obesity Support Group

I don't really know if there are support groups for people in relationships specifically with obese people but I reckon you could start one:)

Since you both are aware of the weight problem maybe it is time to sit down and have a meaningful conversation about the problems and issues that might be causing the weight gain as there might be a lot of underlying feelings you both are having that neither one of you are aware of. To me that is the best way to open up about all the frustrations and fears. Once you are aware of each other's feelings it might give you a better idea on what road to take. Wishing you both success in your relationship and all the struggles:)

Being overweight is a physical condition, and therefore isn't the same as being an addict (which has physical/psychological causes and components) -- there are many reasons why people are fat, and you can't "treat" obesity the same in each person since the cause differs from person to person.

I think it's commendable that you care about your girlfriend and want to help her.

Is your attraction waning because of the way she looks, or is it maybe the situation with her health which is limiting what she can do (making life more difficult, so naturally your relationship would take a hit as well)? It can be a frustrating situation when someone is not feeling well -- for the person who has problems, as well as the other person in the relationship. My advise is to remember why the two of you got together in the first place. Think about why you care about her and what attracted you in the first place. That girl is still inside her somewhere. :) (Also, with all due respect, her health SHOULD be a much more important priority to you than how "hot" you think she is. Would she care about you any less if you gained extra weight?)

More practical advice... Katiebell68 is right, having a talk would be helpful. If you care for her, opening up about those things is important. You could try getting healthier together. If you live together, avoid buying junk food or eating it in front of her (that's just mean if someone is trying to lose weight). Encourage her to do whatever physical activity she's able to do -- even a walk to the mailbox is better than just sitting around.

I don't know her age or her health problems, so can't really comment other than that. But I would say that taking care of additional health issues will probably make it easier for her to get everything else in check. So, be supportive and try to help her. Asking for advice is a step in the right direction. :)

What is the purpose of the support group? Do you think it will help you feel more sexually attracted to your girlfriend?

Do you think you might need a codependent meeting? http://www.codependents.org/

Maybe she could join a support group for weight loss. They have proven that people who join a support group of some kind lose more weight and keep it off. I go to TOPS. My husband goes with me to support me. We also work out together and go for walks. He also had some to lose himself. It is nice not doing it alone. TOPS is cheap. Only $26 a year because it in non profit. It is not a diet. Only a support group. It meets weekly like Weight watchers and Overeaters Anonymous. We have a lot of fun at our meeting and have met some very nice people. I like it better than WW because it is a lot more social.

http://www.tops.org/AboutTOPS.aspx

http://www.oa.org/

http://www.weightwatchers.com/Inde...

Thank you, everyone so far, for taking the time to give me your feedback!

I had left out a lot of details in the interest of being brief. Among them,

(1) I do know the difference between obesity and addiction and, in fact, my girlfriend eats a relatively healthy diet. My reference to Alanon was only as an example of a support group for people without a particular problem who are in relationships with people who do have that problem.

(2) I came to you to ask for advice on one problem I am having (loss of sexual attraction). This does not mean that I have no other problems or concerns, and I am certainly concerned with the many health problems that my girlfriend is and will deal with because of her obesity. I assume it's okay to raise an issue without it having to justify it as the most important issue.

(3) I do not love her any less because of her increased weight. Would she care about me any less if I gained extra weight? No. Do I care any less about her? No. The issue I am dealing with is not less love, but less physical attraction. I have no problem with using my hands and mouth to please her, or laying back and letting her enjoy herself. However, a man (unlike a woman) cannot perform certain sexual acts unless he is physically aroused.

(4) I'm guessing I sound defensive. I feel defensive. I feel that, embedded in some of the feedback is criticism of me.

(5) My girlfriend is already pretty defensive about her weight, refuses to discuss it much, and would be devastated if I told her what is now going on with me. My first choice when I have a problem in a relationship is to discuss it openly, but I don't think I have that option, and I'd like to try to deal with this without involving her.

(5) If there are no current support groups for people in relationships with obese partners, then I guess I can try starting one. (Thanks, Katiebell.) So...is anyone out there interested?

You're quite welcome Thankingyou;) I think there are probably some people out there that are going through similiar feelings as you are and are trying to figure out ways to change things in the relationship without offending or hurting their partners. A support group of this nature might just benefit a lot of people:)

I can tell from my own experience when your loved but not desired it also ruins your own sex life. It is something you can't fake even if your careful never to say anything that hurts. Just as visual is important to you so is mental for us. It is the most painful thing for me. If I didn't believe in my commitment to marriage and was single I would hope he would leave and let me find someone that could love and desire me. If I end up getting skinny and my husband gets a new interest in me I fear I will kick him to the curb.

Al-Anon is for people who are sick as a result of caring for and trying to cure the alcoholic. They do a 12 step program the similar to what a alcoholic does. They do not talk about the alcoholic but rather there own problems. The goal is to learn a better way of life, to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

My advice to you (as the obese girlfriend with a not-so-obese boyfriend) would be to start exercising with her. Make her feel like you want her to do this for her health and happiness (not saying that's not what you want....). I think you have to talk to her. There's been many, many times that, as much as I didn't want to hear it, the talks were necessary. She won't take it easily, in fact every time my bf and I had those conversations in the past, every single one caused me to breakdown and be depressed for days, BUT it was NECESSARY. If my bf can't tell me something b/c he thinks I wouldn't be able to handle it, what is the point of the relationship. If it wasn't for my bf working out with me and supporting me 110% of the way, I would never have lost the 75+ pounds I have.... It doesn't even so much have to be working out, go walking, swimming, bike riding... anything active...

I think the most important thing you can do is to love her and tell her and demonstrate that love alot. For me, part of my obesity issue was that I really wanted someone to love me for me; unconditional love, no matter what I look like. There is a fine line there in loving her and enabling her to continue in her unhealthy lifestyle. Unfortunately, I still haven't been able to find out where exactly that line is.
I was very defensive about my weight as well. I'm pretty sure that no matter what you say about her weight she will hear "your fat and therefore unworthy", so I would suggest not bringing it up until she does then be very supportive and sensitive. Tell her she is beautiful, but model healthy habits. only bring home healthy food and go to places that offer healthy options and order the options. Don't say anything to her about what she should order. Just model the healthy behavior. Tell her how much you enjoy eating healthy. Do things that involve some walking, again being sensitive about how much is too much. An obese body can only do so much. Make a habit of (for example) evening walks. Try to get her a little farther each time (under the guise that you are enjoying her company so much that you don't want it to end). Some people may consider that offensive, b ut personally I would have loved to have someone that loved me enough to try to help, but spared my feelings in the process. Compliment every positive thing she does towars losing weight, but never give negative feedback on this issue. If I told my husband I lost five lbs he would say i should have lost ten. That just made me do the opposite of what he wanted.
I can't guarantee this will work for your girlfriend, but it's what I would have wanted someone to do for me. Good luck to you both.

Gosh, you are all being so helpful, and perceptive, and supportive. I really appreciate you all. I wish I could sit with you and tell you all the details (and give you non-virtual hugs).

Missina's advice is pretty much what I've been trying. I don't bring up my girlfriend's weight, but to be honest, the subject of obesity does come up often because I'm an activist in the movement to eliminate junk food from the schools. And, I did tell her about my good friend whom I just visited for a week. This friend had laproscopic (spelling?) surgery and not only lost over 100 pounds since my last visit less than a year ago, and not only looks and feels great, but eliminated 4 of the major health issues that my girlfriend is struggling with. (Friend and girlfriend both had apnea and needed C-PAP machines -- friend no longer needs it. Friend and girlfriend both needed high blood pressure medication -- friend no longer needs it. Friend and girlfriend both had pain from arthritis -- friend no longer has it. Friend and girlfriend were both claustrophobic -- friend no longer has it. The coincidence of these 4 syndromes were startling, so I did tell my girlfriend about my friend's surgery, and then asked her if she would ever consider it. She said No, and I dropped the subject.)

To give her credit, though, she has been eating a relatively healthy diet for years. I think it's the lack of exercise that is the main culprit. When she started walking, I happily walked with her...but her knees just can't take it, and they dislocate. But, I'll see what I could so about getting her to swim with me.

There's tons of other relevant details about this relationship, but I'll just stop here. I hug you all!

As someone in pretty much the same boat as your GF, I know how hard it can be on her. I have tried everything that I can think of to loose weight. (I actualy GAINED weight while on weightwatchers) I also eat a very healthy diet and still manage to stay at 290 lbs. I also have a great deal of pain in both knees and they do dislocate on me, which as you've seen with your GF makes exercising difficult. What I found out about my knees is that I have patella femoral arthritis, and it is VERY common in obese women. I have had 2 separate rounds of injections and know have to wear custom made offloading braces to keep my knees from dislocating. These will be a lifetime accessory until I reach the point that knee replacement is my only option.

Now to get to the real point here, have you ever gone to the Dr. with your GF when she was discussing weight loss with her PCP?? The reason she may be resistant to your suggestions of surgical intervention may be the same as my own. EVERY time I try to discuss weight loss with my physician she tells me to join a gym or start going to the YMCA. She will not even begin to discuss medical options for weight loss with me even though I have a BMI of 44 at the age of 32. (And keep in mind I've already had my fist heart attack -- but I have an HMO so am stuck within a specific medical group since I live in a VERY rural area, so I can't just go to another Dr.)

I don't know if your GF has ever discussed this with her Dr., but I thought maybe a heads up on this was in order since alot of physicians will NOT discuss medication or surgical options for weight loss even if it's covered thru insurance. So when you face that kind of opposition it is extremely disheartening and you start to seriously think "What's the point?"