I've received lots of emails telling me second-hand stories about the frustrating empathy, or lack thereof, that MS engenders in people who really should know better. I'm ashamed to say that most of these people lacking in empathy are the male spouses, lovers, or bosses of female MS sufferers. Rather than say "some people are just jerks", which is true but not a productive thing to say, I'd like to propose the MS Perspective Kit for people who lack the ability to see things from the right perspective. The contents are as follows:

The MS Perspective Kit
One complete set of videotapes of The Lawrence Welk Show reruns.
One large pot of coffee.
Two pairs of panty-hose, both one or two sizes too small.
One pair of rubber gloves.
One set of weighted wrist and ankle straps (commonly used for exercising), 5 pounds in weight.
One man's leather belt.
Two bungee cords, each approximately two feet in length.
One in-line skate (either foot will do).
One women's high-heeled shoe (preferably for the other foot unless you're feeling really mean).
One cane or walking stick.
One roll of duct tape (optional).
One tough guy, preferably hairy, tattooed, and looking like a mobster.
One cute, bubbly, perky, well-dressed friend or coworker.
One megaphone.


After you've accumulated the things on the list, find a night when you and the Jerk can be alone together at home, and I mean the whole night, say from midnight until about 8am the next day. I recommend a Friday evening (unless you're, again, feeling really mean, in which case you can make it a work night). Assuming you've chosen Friday evening, you'll need the Friend and the Tough Guy for approximately an hour on Saturday morning. You'll also need a television and a VCR.


Phase 1: The Preparation
The first thing you need to do is to make the Jerk stay up all night watching the tapes of The Lawrence Welk Show using liberal applications of the coffee (and the duct tape if necessary, but I'll leave that up to your imagination, girls). It's imperative that the Jerk greet the dawn red-eyed, sleepless, and incapable of coherent thought. This is the kind of look we're going for:


Phase 2: Donning the Equipment
The application of the bulk of the equipment may require the use of the Tough Guy to get your Jerk to comply. What we're going to be doing is simulating some of the symptoms of MS. These may not be your symptoms, but I've started with some of mine just for the sake of discussion. If you come up with some really interesting suggestions for other symptoms, please email them to me (my email address is at the bottom of a later section entitled Now What?)
Banding
Banding is the feeling that you have tight bands wound around your middle. We're going to simulate that using the two pairs of too-small panty-hose. Make him put them on, one on top of the other. Then let him dress as if he's going to work. You can cut the legs off the panty-hose, we just need the tightness in the gut.
Numbness
We're going to simulate numbness in the hands by using the rubber gloves. Make him wear them. Use duct tape to hold them on if necessary.


Fatigue
We've gotten a good start with the sleepless night, the Lawrence Welk Show reruns, and the pot of coffee. Now we're ready to get serious. Strap the wrist and ankle weights on him. Make sure they're good and tight. You can buy them in most stores that carry exercise equipment.


Spasticity
To simulate spasticity, get the bungee cords and hook one end of each into a wrist strap and the other end into his belt (make sure it's a good, strong leather belt that can take the strain). The idea is that each time he has to raise his arms, he has to fight the bungee cords, just like some MS sufferers have to fight their own spastic muscles.


Balance
Now for the footwear. Put the inline skate on one foot, the high-heeled shoe on the other. Let him balance using the cane. Give him a while to get used to tottering around on the high heel while the other foot tries to fly away under him.



Phase 3: The Attitude Adjustment
Now you force him to work. Whatever he normally does - type memos on the computer, do some plumbing, practice a presentation that he has to give at the office that week. Whatever it takes. One small detail though. The Tough Guy has to follow him around behind his back, crooning in a barely audibly monotone something uplifting like this, over, and over, and over...

You're gonna die.
Your brain's gonna fry.
You ain't never going to sleep again.
You ain't never going to run again.
You're gonna wish you're dead.
It's all in your head.

From time to time, get the Friend to gush into the room, full of energy and vitality, and pretend to be one of the stereotypes you read about in the Taxonomy of Friends and Family. Above all, she must be happy, bouncy, perky, earnest, and energetic.



Phase 4: The Denoument

When you think he's had enough, send the Friend and the Tough Guy away. Make the Jerk stand up in the center of the room. Turn on the megaphone, crank up the volume, and shout through it:


"This...
(pause for effect)


is how...
(another pause)


I feel...
(take a deep breath now for a really good shout)


ALL THE TIME!"
Don't you wish you could really do this? Please don't actually try it. Just reading about it and imagining it has probably helped you a lot. If there's a Jerk in your life, make him read this page. Use the Tough Guy if you have to.