What is Multiple Personalities
Dissociative identity disorder is a diagnosis described as the existence in an individual of two or more distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceivi...
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feeling at odds with struggle
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I don't post a lot . in fact life has me on DS very little these days. just enough to catch up and keep informed.
so, for quite a while and have lived in harmony and 'integration". and for the jost part still do. I love life. good things happening. etc. This past few months. I fell phyysically very ill. and doctors couldn't figure it out. lots of weird symptoms. most of all, the labs were off and the extreme weight loss no matter how I tried to combat it by eating more, etc. paying attention to nutrition and etc. Well, also, this time of year is naturally difficult. beging in September. especially towards the end of the month. Well, I started to feel better phyiscally and never realized that deep within, a part of me was just very happy at the physical body becoming less and less. I went to the doc tore and had gained a few pounds back and this part just freaked out. dIn less than 1 hour, my mind was eliveing that my illness was my way of my body taking care of me, "to have no body equals safety" and that "getting better and gaining the weight means that my body has betrayed me yet again. So far mainly , me as a healthy desires for continued prosperity in healtha nd recovery is strong. This one inside is very strong. My mind just goes back into that mode without evening me realizing it. I had even begun not to hear other voices inside my head. just me, just one voice. Now, it is weird because I don't exactly here a specific other voice but it is a specific other voice. and my actions and demeanor changes and yet I am totally conscious of it happening. no loss of time. just a feeling of being out of my body and not in control of my body or mind. It is not me at that point so to speak. I know I am someone different within me at those times these days.. I guess I just needed to tell somone. I am very embarrassed for some reason and that doesnt help this one within I know. I don't want people around me to worry that this means that I am crasing or going to end up in a bad way. I do't necessarily feel that. People have just begun to let go of the "fragile" me who at any "odd" behavior they get worried aat "oh boy, she is in trouble again." etc etc. I do't want to worry people. I don't want to go back to people constantly worrying. I am okay. and yet I know I am strugling. in really is this body issue. just really struggling to eat and not "starve" and restrict" on purpose, just in case 'this healing of my illness" should cause "weight gain" which is the enemy. I have not had these overwhelming desires and actions like this is a long time. Thank you for listening. I know I must affirm this one within and what is going on.... I just am in disbelief of what this one is come up with. That deep long buried thing that I just am really struggling to admit and accept so that I can and she can move on. and no that I as the adult will hear her, protect her and belive her. She is me. I really just do't want to go to this place. I don't know what to think. Thank yoyu for listening (readeing). Posted on 11/02/09, 04:11 am |
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i can feel alot of what you're saying.
i too dont really have loss of time, but im consciously aware of being another me. and i can also really relate to winter being the hardest time of the year. i dont know why, cause i like the weather, but still. and im too very embarresed about all this stuff, and when i try to tell someone, they usually dismiss it, not taking me seriously, or thinking im just crazy or want to be special. noone i know has ever worried too much though (sometimes i even wish people would). sorry you are struggling with weightissues. we are always here to listen(well, read). and if you feel comfortable, you could post some more if you'd like. ((hugs)) 
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Me, too, about the lack of time loss, embarrassment, and worsening with the change of weather. I used to only notice it around this time of year, in Oct. usually, but the last couple of years, I have realized, that March is diffiicult for me, too.
You are doing very well, paying attention to, and becoming aware of what is going on inside with you. I struggled for a long time, digging at it, wanting to know what the hell was going on, but have slowly come to realize, it is more a matter of allowing things to surface, and manage the speed and pace at which that happens, that is more effective. It is so difficult and lonely, when you have so much going on inside, and others can't relate to it....a huge reason why this particular community on DS has been such a Godsend to me. ((( hugs )))
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