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Discussion:
Good hurt/bad hurt
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Hey, I was thinking about how it hurts to heal and the difference between good hurt and bad hurt from our helpers, ourselves, our therapists, our spouses, and friends. How can we differentiate between hurt that heals and hurt that makes us feel lousy and depleted. I think we all kinda know what I’m talking about. Each part holds pain that is like an open wound and healing wounds can be painful. A lot of well-intentioned people in our lives have tried to help only to put us out of commission, make us less functional and really, create more problems for us in the long run. In recovery, we have the hurt that heals and we have the hurt that wounds. I was going to write out some differences I thought of and wanted to open up this question to others who have also had to make the distinction in their own healing process.

Good hurt can happen when our parts start to communicate, when our parts start to remember, when our parts start to tell their versions of reality and truth. Good hurt is when someone loves us and we feel safe enough to remember something and tell them so. Good hurt is when we don’t want to trust our t but do, and the t doesn’t reject us or abandon us. Good hurt is when we are waiting to see our t again and miss them (it’s healthy and normal to miss the only trusting person in our life). Good hurt is when we start to love ourself enough to feel and express everything related to our trauma.

Bad hurt is when someone shows us something we have not stumbled upon on our own, they put a mirror to our face “for our own good.” When we start intensive therapy under pressure from others even though our life is not ready to deal with the demands of it. Bad hurt is when people punish us to make a point. Bad hurt is when the t directs us instead of us directing the t. Bad hurt is when we tell a memory and it makes the person listening uncomfortable so we stop. Bad hurt is when we tell our family things and those things are repeated to other family members under the guise of family unity and care, but the info is used as a weapon to make us look not credible or competent.

Okay, well I keep getting interrupted by my beautiful children who need me, so does anyone else have some thoughts to share? I want to make sure I’m getting this right. I would really like to hear from the members who share and who have guided me along, and who are deep into their recovery, like wheezie, gs, cat, cj, wist, tyzz, well, there are much more, u know who u are, anyone is welcome. :) thanks,
Mari/H
Posted on 05/24/12, 09:26 pm
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Reply #1 - 05/24/12  10:07pm
" One thing I told an online friend was "hurting is healing" and I believe this to be true but I'm with you - it has to be that "good" hurt. The kind that is like purging, cleansing.

When there was more trust in my relationship, there was "good hurt" when he would listen to me talk about experiences and feelings. I would sometimes sob in pain and this was good hurt.

Then things changed and everything became "bad hurt" - I shut down. I'm still triggered - full-body flesh-crawling triggered. Trapped. Bad, bad hurt.

That said, the "good hurt" that comes out of it, is the memory of why I feel trapped - remembering where that feeling comes from. Remembering things that are horrible and painful as a result of this horribly bad hurt, is a good thing.... I suppose. "
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Reply #2 - 05/24/12  10:36pm
" I think both of you are completely right.You both hit the nail on the head! There is no other feeling on this planet like the feeling of writing out a memory and then sharing it with someone you trust and receiving acceptance and understanding in return.The gift of compassion and understanding is priceless to both the giver and the one receiving.You are right it can work both ways.If you share with a person who is incapable of offering compassion and understanding it can be devastating. "
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Reply #3 - 05/24/12  10:43pm
" Nicely said Snuff - I think emotional, mental, and physical healing/growth can be linkened to each other. Say your trainer/coach is trying to get you to stretch out a stubborn muscle (good hurt) - they can encourage you all they want to get you streach the most you possibly can, but if they grab your leg and push thinking they know when you should stop - they could end up pulling you muscle (bad hurt).

Though Ts can be very helpful - it is up to us to know our own inner world - and which way and how much we can stretch. Their job is to listen and encourage not push and prod.

Keep in mind - Hell is paved with good intentions… We need to be mindful enough to know the difference between the two (not an easy call for those of us who live in a dissociative state most of the time). "
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Reply #4 - 05/24/12  10:43pm
" Nicely said Snuff - I think emotional, mental, and physical healing/growth can be linkened to each other. Say your trainer/coach is trying to get you to stretch out a stubborn muscle (good hurt) - they can encourage you all they want to get you streach the most you possibly can, but if they grab your leg and push thinking they know when you should stop - they could end up pulling you muscle (bad hurt).

Though Ts can be very helpful - it is up to us to know our own inner world - and which way and how much we can stretch. Their job is to listen and encourage not push and prod.

Keep in mind - Hell is paved with good intentions… We need to be mindful enough to know the difference between the two (not an easy call for those of us who live in a dissociative state most of the time). "
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Reply #5 - 05/25/12  12:34am
" good hurt comes from a motivation of helping and a willingness to be helped. If either of those elements is missing, it will not be good.

Bad hurt comes from selfish agendas on either part and will leave us with more harm to deal with. "
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Reply #6 - 05/25/12  5:46pm
" I have been bad hurt from the littles in my system deciding the wrong people are trustworthy and their heart is in the right place, when the littles were wrong, and we were being exploited and used, with the bait being: i'm here to help you, i'm here to be your friend. oh, we have fallen for the, i want to help you, i'm your friend so many times. the bad guys know exactly what my script is or smth, and the kid's trust it. The adults, on the other hand, are very good judges of character and can discern people's intentions correctly. If i'm 'a little' the first time I talk to someone, it's safe to say, i am most likely going to be hurt. "

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