Motherless Children Support Group

i write unrefereed daughter because that is how i have been feeling for , actually since i was a child. at first i thought it was normal sister to sister jealousy but now im 26, i have my own 3 year old child. my sister is 23, with no kids, but continues to live with my parents. i moved out when i was 18. growing up, we lived in a 2 bedroom apartment with my mom boyfriend and my 3 younger sisters at that time, they were 15, 9, 1.5). knowing how hard it was to live in such a small space, i knew it would be best for me to move out and have my parents now dedicate themselves to the other girls. my sister turned 18, then 21, now she is 23. im happy and proud she will be getting her associates in teaching, she sais shes waiting for her"permit" to start to work....yeah she is not working at all...even though she is a CNA (which some registries pay up to 20.00, could make 250.00 in a 12 hour shift)...instead she lives off some money she got from a dog bite to her ear, oh and student financial aid, that she gets every semester.

i have had conversations with my mom, about my feelings... she said i was just jealous, but see its hard for me openly just say...yeah its cause im jealous because to have felt the difference in treatment...for example...
i have a child with my boyfriend of 8 years, she wasnt happy but she dealt with it. after my pregnancy i became depressed , lost and very lonely,, angry..many emotions but i had no resources, in whatever state of mind i was in i decided to move closer to my mom, a couple hours away from where i was living with my boyfriend. i went to my mother, told her i was getting an apartment out there, i just needed to find work and i would be fine..im a nurse... of course ill find a job. a week later, i had already reserved an apartment....then my mom and my sister the 21 year old that time, sit me down in the kitchen and say...we are going to charge you only 500.00 a month to watch tony...we gave you a discount cause your family,can you afford it? i could not believe what they were asking me... i was so shocked i said...yes its too much, sorry ill look for a babysitter. they said ok. that same day i canceled my apartment, moved back to an apartment in the same city i was living in again, not close my my "family", found a job as a nurse and went back to school.

in the recent conversation my mom said maybe there is something in your heart you wanna say...i say yes..i told her what i told you guys..i told her i felt hurt she wasn't there for me when i needed her, she said "well what do you want me to say... those are the rules here", i said "its a rule?" i was so hurt i hung up... still after all these years, she cant love me....

maybe im jealous...but i dont think so, but i know one thing im NOT like my mother , will never be, and i will be there for my son unconditionally. and i have more children, them too. except i do fear that maybe my mom doesn't mean to treat us different she just does...will i? i don't want to cause this pain to my kids.
Posted on 08/15/09, 09:08 am