Motherless Children Support Group

My Therapist insisted that I had to work through all this junk with my mother before I could begin on any of my other issues..
I wrote this awhile ago and felt immediately better! I thought I was done...that this was all it took but, I was wrong..
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Mom,
I'm now 16 years old. Which means it's been 6 years since you died and 8 years since you didn't protect me when I needed you most. Do you remember that night? My birthday? It was my 8th birthday and the man you'd been getting money from was throwing me a party. To you he was just some guy who paid for everything, your drugs, your bills..everything. To me..he was my daddy and I loved him. But he wasn't as loving to me that night. He came into my room when I should have been asleep and raped me. I could go into explicit detail but, I know it wouldnt matter and really it shouldnt. Just hearing that your child was hurt by someone you could have stopped should have been enough, but it wasn't. You knew what he did, what is sick is that he told you...told you to your face as he tried to get the blood outta my sheets. And you let him stay and let him pay for your bills and drugs and hurt me.
Weirdly enough for awhile now I've been thinking about you. I've been dreaming about you, and that night your killed yourself with me no more than 2 feet in front of you. I was only 10 and Dracken was on his way to come and get me and take me to the doctor, because I was hurt. And you yelled at me. You asked me why I ran him off..and said it was my fault that your life was a living hell. Then you ended your life.
For a long time I've hated you with all I've had. I hated that you were neglectful, and that when I was born and my brother was only 14 you made him take care of me, and that you were always high on drugs, and random men used to come in at the middle of the night and yell at you and hit you while I was watching, and that those 10 years I knew you. Never once to my knowledge did you tell me you loved me. Not one time. But I loved you. I still do, and as far as I can tell I always will.
Draken said he had forgiven you, because it didn't do much good to hold on to that hate anymore. It was just hurting him and mom, now its hurting me. So I'm letting it go now. I forgive you for everything you've ever done to me, and everything you didn't do that I wished you had. And I want to tell you I love you, and I believe you loved me to, no matter how much that love was covered up. With the anger, hate, drugs, men...or whatever it was I still believe somewhere in your heart you loved me.

And that's enough, that's all I've ever wanted was your love, and it's like God ya know..I know he is there regardless on if he shows himself or not..and that is enough for me.

I love you mom..
Kardy

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This is a start though..
Posted on 02/06/09, 12:02 pm