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My mother is Dead and my father never forgave me
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Hi. My name is Bob. It seems strange to be joining a group for loss of mother when my mother has been dead for almost 32 years. She died on March 7th 1980 from an esphogeal hemmorage brought on by her drinking. She was 34 years old. I was 10. My mother was an alcoholic and from age 5 on, it was my job to take care of her. She died on my watch in my care and my father has never forgiven me, I started crying when he told me she died. My dad said, "quit yer crying or I'll give you something to cry about" "you have no right to cry you are the reason shes dead, you made her drink it is your faault she died. She was YOUR responsibility." To further complicate the situation my mother started sexually molesting me on the nights my dad worked and I had to sleep with her. I know it makes me a terrible person, but I felt relieved when she died. My dad knew nothing about it. Alateen corrected my blaming myself for her drinking, HOWEVER she did die when my father was in Barnegat visiting his parents. I saw blood in her stool when I walked her back from the bathroom and I didn't call an ambulance for her. THAT I do blame myself for.
Posted on 02/08/12, 09:20 pm |
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oh honey, thats horrible. You were a child and none of it is your fault. You didnt know. You cant play "hind sight" or you will never forgive yourself. I know how you feel though. I was 13 when my mother was killed in a car acident. My father kicked me out because....I looked too much like her. Its not a good feeling carring guilt thats not your to bare. Hang in there, Im here if you want to chat. 
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hello, i found out very early in life (age 4) that it was wrong to depend on my mother, and just as wrong to try to take care of myself. the only one who deserved my care was my mother. she was addicted to prescription drugs, later developed munchaussen disorder. my grandmother stood in as my mother. i learned just recently, that caring for my mother was my mother's responsibility, no one elses. have you tried alanon? it has helped me immensely.
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Gentleman Bob,
You have had such a hard hand of life dealt to you. Thank you for sharing your experience. I am finding help from beginning to attend ACoA Adult Children of Alcoholics. In the meeting rooms, I am finding some understanding and compassion and feeling not so alone in my current state of being. I have felt such sadness over my childhood, and I have learned how much my sick family of origin, the dysfunction, the sick messages, the many forms of abuse, gross and subtle, have infiltrated my life and are harmful to me today. Only by starting to take these apart, one by one, with counseling and a support group and as many forms of learning compassion for myself as I can, am I beginning to feel hope. I was told the Buddha said "You can search this whole world for someone deserving of great love and compassion, and you will not find one single soul that deserves it more than you, yourself deserve that love." This saying has really helped me to start feeling empowered to be worthy of helping myself and taking the time, effort, resources to try to heal. All the best of healing recovery to you.
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