Miscarriage Support Group

i'm sorry that happened. i just told my mother recently about my miscarriage 2 years ago. and yes some people can be insensitive however she may not know how to deal with it or like you mentioned may not have believed it ot be a person. myself personally do believe that a baby is a person from the moment of conception no matter how far along you are. hang in there things will get better soon.

It's really tricky.
My miscarriage was at 20 weeks so I delivered a fetus and have hand and foot prints and photos of it. You can see that it was nearly a baby but it didn't look like a baby and may actually gross some people out. I didn't email those photos round to my friends (although I did show a few who asked). My Mum doesn't have those pictures on the wall next to those of her other grandchildren. I don't blame her - I think they would just remind her of how sad a time it was.

I try not to talk about a baby until it looks like a baby and is viable to survive outside you. Before that I call it a fetus and before you've missed a second period, it's an embryo.
BUT - that doesn't mean that we don't feel terrible, deep grief for the loss of the future we'd imagined with the babies those pregnancies could have produced. The grief is totally real and people should be sensitive towards it.
Society is cruel in that, during pregnancy, people talk about your baby but if you delivered it there and then, it would be dead and they'd probably say "yuk - get over it". So - totally inconsistent.

5-50% of conceptions probably end in death of the embryo because that's how often unsurvivable genetic mistakes occur. Most of these probably look no different to a normal or sightly late period. When TTC, each period *does* feel a bit like a miscarriage because it tells you that you're not pregnant after you've spent a couple of weeks really believing that you could be.

I think that you should never judge another person's sadness. Someone who's crying because their period just started and they wanted a baby is still sad and needs support even if in the next cubicle there's a woman who just had a D&C for a first trimester m/c or delivered a 2nd trimester fetus. You need support too. BUT people don't know how to handle it. We chose not to name the fetus - it would have been a baby girl - but did go to the cremation and I will scatter the ashes (one day!). I treated it like a m/c. I could have named HER and sent photos to everyone, invited the whole family to a funeral service and treated it like a still birth. But I thought that would be harder for everyone, myself included, and I think my grief would have been worse if I had been at term and I didn't want to make out that my loss was as great as that of someone who has had a real stillbirth (but that's just me).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can't expect everyone to believe that a baby exists from the moment of conception BUT that everyone should respect another person's grief.

I'm so sorry for your loss - please take care of yourself and be strong - time will heal a little.

I'm so sorry. I lost my baby at 12 weeks last week. My MIL hasn't called or anything since my husband called to tell her. I also feel she is being very insensitive to me. I'm sorry your MIL is not giving you the support you need. I could see the same situation happening if it was me and my SIL because it is very obvious that she is the daughter and I am the daughter-in-law. Would it help to say something to her to have your husband say something?
I'm sorry you don't have more answers. Just know you're not alone and I do understand. You lost a child, and you deserve to be able to recognize it and mourn.

My mother in law is atrocious also.

less than a week after my frist miscarriage, she told me to "hurry up and give her son the baby he deserves"

two weeks after my second miscarriage she told me id "better hurry up and have a baby if i want to hold something in my arms"(I was holdin gmy cat at the time).

I've since been diagnosed with some rare birth defect that leaves me with a 2% chance of having a baby au natural.
So my husband told her we're doing IVF in an attempt to get her to shut the fuck up.

Two weeks later she comes over when im home alone and i get this out of her dark, wicked mouth;
"I know what you're problem is (as if she's being compassionate), your attitude, well youd better hurry up and change that nasty attitude, I know you, you'd have an abortion before you had a baby. Well I'm telling you now, my son and his house deserve a family and you are not doing your wifely duties, you're not good enough for my son.....
...and so on and so fourth came from the dark depths of her stoney cold heart.


So, now that I've shared you know you're not alone.

What my response was to all of her little verbal attacks; "oh yeah, uh-huh, mmhh yeah" and "really, I hadn't thought of that".

She's a nasty bitch and is simply not allowed to sway her negative weight in my household.
I don't even tell my husband about it all anymore, it's just drivel and bullshit that has no meaning and would only cause my wonderful husband hurt, and he is not deserving of it.
Her words now fall on deaf ears....well almost, I have a substiantial file of things to repeat back to her should I ever really need to.

But i doubt it will ever be dug up, some things should just lay dead and buried and be given no more energy than the energy wasted in creating them.

I'm sorry that you too are failing to get the support we all assume we will have.

It is startling at times when negativity rears it's ugly head in the most unassuming of places.

Stay true to you and vent all you need to, to get beyond and above such scummy people.

well on a more relevant and helpful note....

....sorry about my rant, veins coursing with ivf hormone meds so im a nutcase this week.

The thing is with your family that they do care.
They just don't get it, their failure is not a failure of love, like with my evil MIL.
Their failure is one of experience.

They have never had to go through the horrific pain you have been through.

My own mother said of my first miscarriage "just think of it as a bunch of cells, that will help and then you won't be upset".
My mum never had a miscarriage, she didn't know until months later when i told her that at 9 weeks it is a lot more than a bunch of cells.
Her failure was her lack of experience, and for that I try and force myself to be greateful that she's never had to suffer this way.

I'm sorry about that. My mother-in-law wasn't very supportive either. All she asked when she found out I was having a miscarriage (both times) was and I quote, "Have you started bleeding yet?" I'm sure you feel like asking your mother-in-law what her problem is. I don't really know how to handle my own mother-in-law dealing with our losses...but I did ask my husband to at least tell her to stop asking me that question. The funny thing is...is that she later saw my mom and said she felt badly we'd said that...and that because she's a nurse she feels like she deserves to know stuff like that. Not very many people in my husband's family seem to treat it like we lost a baby either. Both of ours were in the first trimester. I'm sorry again for her insensitivity. You probably need to talk to her or have your husband. I've decided to do that if it gets bad enough.