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Discussion:
Insensitive family
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I just need a place to vent. There is a very good chance I'm going to lose our baby, I'm just waiting to make a decision to take the methotrexate shot. This past week has been an emotional rollercoaster, one day there is hope...the next it is shot down. Right now are waiting on one more hcg test and ultrasound before we make a decision.

My mother in law calls last night and all she can say is "maybe you should see another doctor." My husband is trying to explain to her that they cant see ANYTHING in the uterus at 6 weeks, there is nothing another doctor can do. My sister in law just had her baby in june (the first grand baby) so my mother in law says that maybe we should go see her doctor. Like her doctor has some magical fairy dust he can sprinkle over me to make my have a perfect pregnancy like my SIL. She just doesn't get it. She doesn't understand that I'm not perfect like my SIL...not everyone has a perfect pregnancy like she did.

What makes it even worse is the day after we told her things weren't going well she called to fill us in on the latest from my SIL and the baby. Does she really think I want to hear about them right now? Its like shes rubbing it in that my SIL can give them grand children without any problems.

She makes me feel like I'm not good enough, that I'm not trying hard enough to "fix" whats wrong. I often wonder how my husband is even related to them, he is so caring and supportive.
Posted on 07/29/09, 01:09 pm
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Reply #1 - 07/29/09  1:20pm
" I'm so sorry. I had the same thing happen to me that is happening to you. At 6 weeks, my hormone levels dropped, but they never saw anything in my uterus. My HCG levels never reached 2000 and they could not confirm or deny an ectopic pregnancy. I had to have methotrexate because my hormone levels never dropped on their own after the initial drop.

I'm sorry your MIL is being so insensitive. She may not know how to handle things. You know, I honestly didn't know what to do with my sister when she went through a miscarriage and at one point, I told stories about my friend's baby to change the subject. Now, I know that probably was very painful. I didn't know then. I feel like such a fool now.

As for the doctor comments, it sounds like she's in denial. She doesn't want to admit that the pregnancy failed and is hoping for a miracle.

Again, I'm so sorry.

*HUGS* "
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Reply #2 - 07/29/09  11:08pm
" I am so sorry to hear about a potential loss. My first OB visit - at the end week 5, they did not see a fetal pole, but did see a large yolk sack and were concerned. My periods were out of wack prior to conception and Dr said dating might be the problem. At the end of week 6, they finally saw a fetal pole, but Dr still not liking what he saw. The day before week 8, I started spotting and went in for an U/S, definitely confirmed no heartbeat (it was always questionable and never found one) and baby was 2 weeks behind in growth. So I know how it feels to be wondering if you are going to loose a baby or not. This ocurred over 3 weeks and I tried so hard to hold onto hope & be positive for mine & the baby's health - roller coaster for sure, but nothing could prepare me for the actual impact of the loss. I thought surely the Dr (who is a high risk maternal fetal specialist and highly thought of) was going to be wrong.

I am not sure what you mean by they cannot see "anything" - is it an ectopic pregnancy or something? If you havent started bleeding, I would think the baby is in there - somewhere. Did they do a vaginal ultrasound? Not the greatest as far as comfortable goes, but it is a lot more forth coming of information because it allows for a better view.

Not that I am defending your MIL insensitive remarks, she is probably just trying to offer advice and isn't saying things the right way because she doesn't know how. I personally believe that 2nd opinions are a very good thing and maybe that's all she means. As far as talking about SIL and her new baby, have your hubby politely ask her to save the great news for a later date. you are going through a crisis right now and that its not helping. She might be thinking she's trying to take your mind off of your own problems, but this is not the proper subject to rattle on about. Try to be glad you have a great husband, a lot of women don't and during a time like this - it's nice to have someone to lean on. I hope everything works out and that the baby keeps on growing during a happy healthy pregnancy. "
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Reply #3 - 07/30/09  2:45am
" I started crying when I read this because you are going through exactly what I am going through right now. My husband and I were also faced with the decision to do a D&C immediately, or wait a week to see if something would be visible in the gestational sac next week. Last night my spotting turned into heavy bleeding, which the doctor had told me meant that the miscarriage was starting. My mother in law is very insensitive, and has made the most unbelievable (and nasty) comments before and during my pregnancy. After our doctor's appt on Tuesday I begged my husband to shield me from her for a couple of days, because I couldn't handle the feeling of losing my baby and also fend off her attacks. No one knows how to kick someone when they are down like her. My husband has been amazing, and has fielded phone calls and has even turned them away from the door. We are both trying to cope, and can't deal with people who are telling us not to grieve because "it wasn't really a baby yet", or "we never even heard the heartbeat, so this should be easier for us." I don't care about being rude now, or doing the polite thing, and neither should you. You can do damage control later. Surround yourself with people who make you feel better, and they don't have to be blood relatives. Last night when the bleeding started our friends came over. We have only known this couple for 3 months but it seems like 10 years. She just held me and cried with me, and her husband took my husband to a nearby cafe to cry too. They have also lived through this, and know that just letting you grieve is the best thing. I feel guilty that I haven't included my MIL in our grieving process, but I have to focus on me and my usband this week. You know what you can handle. Trust yourself, even at this most dificult time, and just deal with her when you are ready. The unspoken fear that she views you as a failure in comparison t her own offspring is something I think many people on this site share. I know I feel it too, and no matter what I tell myself I will never rid myself of that insecurity. I can't cut my MIL out of my life entirely, but for now I can and will pick and choose how I see her and in what context. Even when I was the "perfect" daughter in law she said some really terrible things to me, so I feel justified in taking this time to myself. Trust yourself, and you and your husband surround yourself with people who let you grieve, and know when to just be silent. You know who those people are. I live abroad, but if it helps know that there is someone half way around the world who is going through exactly what you are going through. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and I am praying to God or whoever you believe in to give you the strength to get through this week. "
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Reply #4 - 07/30/09  11:14am
" RITKat- Thank you for your reply. Its just horrible that they cant tell us one way or another. I think never knowing for sure is what is killing me right now, but I cant take a chance if it is something that can harm me. I hope your right and my MIL is just in denial, but it feels like she is in denial because nobody in her family has problems with getting pregnant.

I was scheduled to go in for a laparascopy to diagnose endometriosis and I found out I was pregnant from the pre-op blood test they did. She doesn't understand endometriosis either.

Harpersmom- What i mean by they didnt see anything, was there is nothing in the uterus...no sac..nothing. this was at 5w6d, my periods are pretty regular but I'm hoping it is a dating problem. Maybe I'm just not as far along as they thought. They did do the vaginal ultrasound. I'm waiting for my HCG numbers for yesterday and if they have doubled again I will insist on another ultrasound.

I know my MIL is trying to help, but to me she is going about it the wrong way. The Dr I'm seeing now is my second opinion, and it is impossible to get right in to an OB around here. Thank you for taking the time to reply. I'm sorry for your loss, I know how hard it is to try to hold on to one little thread of hope and the thread just keeps unraveling.

kardelen- Isn't it amazing that we can meet people going through the exact situations? I know what you mean about turning to your friends. I have an incredible friend that lives across the street. She has been through several miscarriages...one at 7 months, and she has one 13 year old miracle that we just absolutely love. Her and my husband have been my strength through this whole thing. My parents have also been there for us and have been very supportive.

It hurts that my husband can't turn to his own family. His sister hasn't even called, but thats just how she is. She only calls when she needs something. She is a very selfish person and only cares about herself.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, although the situations we are in are horrible it is comforting to know we are not alone. It helps so much to have others to talk to about this. "
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Reply #5 - 07/30/09  11:46am
" Kmahany, good luck with the HCG levels. I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. My ob/gyn wanted to do a laparascopy before I got pregnant too to diagnose endometriosis. Then, I got pregnant. Now, they're having my monitor my cycles again for all the heavy bleeding and cramping.

I will keep you in my prayers. I'm so sorry about your MIL. I hope your MIL someday understands. Have you tried talking to her and saying you don't want to talk about your SIL's baby? I hope it's more that she just doesn't know how to help you than she is trying to tell you that you're not trying hard enough.

*HUGS* "

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