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Discussion:
My boyfriend doesnt understand
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I have been with my boyfriend for almost 8 years. He is trully my best friend. When we found out that I had miscarried he was upset of course. But its like now it doesnt even bother him. It has not even been 2 months yet. Im still really hurting. I cant even see pregnant people or babies with out crying. He said something yesterday about parents beating there baby and i just lost it. (Nothing is worse to me then people like that getting blessed with a baby) But he started apologizing for upsetting me. He wants to just forget it all happened (or so it seems). But i dont want to forget. As much as it hurts I cant/dont want to forget about my baby Kyson. He acts like he cant talk about it because I will get upset. But its okay to still be upset right? I just dont know how to feel. I know it hurts him I just want him to be able to talk with me without being scared to upset me. Sometimes I just wanna cry and need him to be there and understand its not something I can just "get over" like he did.
Posted on 07/23/09, 12:09 pm
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Reply #1 - 07/23/09  12:28pm
" i'm so sorry to hear about your loss. my boyfriend was the exact same when i lost our baby. i was upset for months after losing ours and i felt terrible for being upset because he would just shup up totally and wouldn't talk to me about it. like you i found it so hard to look at babies and he couldn't understand that and it made me even more upset that he didn't know the pain i was feeling. I asked him why he wouldn't talk about it and why he never brought up the subject and he said because i got upset and that he was over it... he had grieved in his own way and now it was time for us to move on.. that really hurt so i talked and talked to him about it until finally he talked back about it. now when i get upset about the baby he comforts me and talks about it. so i know its like he doesn't care but really he does and he just hates seeing you upset and he just wants you back like you were before the m/c. just give it time and i promise you it gets easier and he will talk more when he's ready. just don't give up hope. "
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Reply #2 - 07/24/09  12:54pm
" I have to echo AmzN. My husband and I have known each other half my life, literally, and we were best friends years before we married, but he still didn't fully understand how I felt when it happened, and, to be frank, no man ever will, because they didn't feel the baby growing inside them or have hormonal changes or body changes, etc. My husband's a dear, and don't get me wrong, he was crushed, too, but you run into another man/woman issue here... Your boyfriend wants to be strong for you. He might be just as crushed as you, but he'll never show you. I still have a hard time trying to get my hubby to express his feelings about what happened, but don't give up... Give him LOTS of time. As time passed, and I healed, and he healed, he opened up little by little. Keep the lines of communication open. Tell him how you feel; help him to understand exactly what's going through your mind, because I promise you, he has no clue until you tell him.

It is VERY OK for you to be upset. You need him right now. Express your needs to him and tell him how he can be there for you. Tell him what you told us, that you sometimes just want to cry and you need his understanding. "
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Reply #3 - 07/25/09  3:28pm
" My partner was exactly the same, at one point he even told me i should ' be over it all by now' can you believe it! i still cry about it now and it happened two years ago, i've also had a baby since. Not a day goes by when its not in my thoughts, but my entire family and friends have seemingly totally forgotten about it. My partner never brings it up and i'm sure he thinks because we've had a baby since i'm totally over it all. It was your baby inside you whereas a man cant really understand the changes you go through. All i can say is keep talking to each other and tell him how you feel, otherwise he really wont understand. Lots of love to you both x "
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Reply #4 - 07/25/09  5:22pm
" I'm so sorry about your loss. I've read a lot of things on how men grieve differently than women. It's because the men often haven't bonded with the baby in the same way the woman has yet. Maybe you need to explain to your boyfriend that this is normal. He probably just doesn't understand how you feel.

I wish you luck. "
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Reply #5 - 07/25/09  11:17pm
" Ditto to the other comments! Yes, yes, yes it is okay to feel how you are feeling. And although my hubby is super sweet, we struggled a lot through this. One thing that helped me, especially when he and I were on super different pages, was to allow myself to realize that he will never fully understand what I experienced with our son and that I really needed to connect with other women who had shared my experience to find the type of support I needed. And you're already doing that - good for you! "
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Reply #6 - 07/26/09  12:18am
" Another comment agreeing with the others. My husband is being strong for me (ours just occurred a week ago). However, he has shed a few tears in front of me, especially when I told him our 2-yr-old daughter asked, "Where did our baby go?" She didn't know I'd miscarried-just asked my mother that question. That brought him to tears when I shared that with him.

Men grieve in their own way, and their nature is to "fix it." Unfortunately, this is something that can't be fixed, so it puts your man in unfamilar territory. You're grieving and he can't do anything to fix it, which gives him a sense of helplesness. Keep the lines of communication open, for both of your sakes. "

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