What is Military Families
Today's military family faces a lifestyle that is comprised of frequent deployments, which results in increased family separations. This often proves to be a stressful challenge fo...
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just confused i guess
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so i dunno i guess i just wanna vent. one of my best friends is a marine. he left for basic back in january. i haven't seen him face to face in over a year. i write him letters, and he called me the other day, but it's just not the same as having my buddy with me. we've known each other since we were freshmen in high school. we had some rocky moments. he was a total alcoholic and kinda put me through hell sometimes with his drinking. then he'd always say he'd sobered up but he was just lying. he was in love with me all through high school but i never returned his feelings. he was too immature and wrapped up in his addiction. well after high school he cleaned up his act for the most part.he quit drinking alone, at least, and then he joined the marines. we all hoped maybe the military would straighten him out a bit. so anyway i've been writing him and talking to him, and over these last couple of months i've been...feeling differently about him. he's still the same goofball he's always been, but now he's got a spine. he's manned up, for sure. i know he still feels the same way about me. when i wrote him telling him i was enlisting in the army, he called me and was seriously worries. he kept saying he didn't want me to die. i tried to calm him down, but he's still worried. the thing is im worried too cuz he deploys to Afghanistan about halfway through my bootcamp. so here we are, just worried about each other. his job is safe. it's a computer desk job. he's gonna be in an air conditioned room for a year. my job's much more hazardous, so i can see why he's so worried, but i really don't want him to be all concerned like this. i just don't know what to do. im confused about how i feel about him, missing him, afraid to go for it because what if he's still all addicted.....he's coming home in december and i'll see him then. i just.....gah. i dunno. im stressing out about the whole situation and don't have anyone to talk to, so i thought id just vent it here.
Posted on 10/13/09, 07:10 pm |
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I wouldn't be scared if he is still an addict. Once an addict always an addict. Ok, so probably not the answer you wanted to hear. But doesn't mean he is acting on it, see what I am saying? Also, perhaps you should remain friends while one of you is there and the other is over there. You know. It might be best. Reguardless, it's natural for each of you to worry about the other, however you dont' want this to affect either's performance doing their job. I hope this helps you. 
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yeah thanks. i think you're right. we don't need to complicate things right now, especially since he's just barely getting settled into his job and i haven't even left yet. it's probably best if we focus on our training. i just wish there was something i could say to him to get him to stop worrying so much.
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Just reinforce that you care about him and not to worry, you'll both be in contact. The thing that sucks about your situation, is that you are both doing your part to serve our country (thank you) and w/ that, you both know the risks. But the real thing is, anything can happen to anyone at any given time. Also, something I have learned in my marriage is personal matters need to be taken care of in order for one to be able to perform his/her duties to their fullest ability. I didn't know this until a while back (2 years almost), my problems were reflecting my husband's job performance. Just to give you an idea. And I think you know all of this already. Remain friends and you know what, maybe through time you can move it up a notch. Again, I hope this helps you.
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No stress, no worries. You have a plan in place for your life and you need to stay focused on that. You are going to meet so many great people that you won't believe it. Keep your friend a friend -and mostly at a distance. You don't need anyone with baggage no matter how great they appear. Focus forward, do great things, and remember you only deserve the very best don't stop until you find him.
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thanks guys that's all good advice. i am just gonna focus on my training and not stress myself out.
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I read in your profile that you are 19, and in groups for self-injury, depression, and eating disorder. What I don't understand is why if you already have those problems you would want to subject yourself to more stress, especially as you say your military posting will be somewhat hazzardous. Is this a reflection of the self-injury problem/counterphobic behavior?
Hopefully, your friend will mature and stop acting on his substance abuse problem. You didn't say where your friend will be located. My son served in Afghanistan in 2006, and he said it was very easy for our soldiers to abuse substances. My husband of 44 years suffered from Korean War induced PTSD, after several street attacks he developed severe alcoholism, although he never missed work, just got drunk 6 nights a week, came home at all hours of the night, made it impossible for me to hold a normal job, made it necessary for me to find unconventional work to pay bills as he was drinking $500 a months. Fifteen years of full blown alcoholism and ten more of heavy drinking. This is not a life I would have chosen if I had known in advance that he had the potential to melt down like that. Yes, this is a warning. Good luck.
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PTSDwidow, i appreciate your concern for me. but im not quite sure how to respond to your comments. i don't think you really understand self-injury, or else you wouldn't say those things. my self-injury has nothing to do with my service. i decided to enlist because i love my country and i want to serve, and because i am an intelligent individual with a lot of talent and i feel as though i could do some good in the military. but i appreciate that you are concerned for me, and concerned about my friend. i promise to handle it in a rational and well though out manner and not make any rash decisions.
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I guess I need to clarify what I meant. First of all self-injury can mean a number of things: cutting arms and legs with a razor like a person in my first therapy group, getting drunk frequently and being mugged in the streets while drunk on various occasions like my husband, almost starving oneself to death like a person I worked with for a number of years. Counterphobic behavior means doing things that are scary to overcome things one is afraid of. Taking up sky diving or mountain climbing to counter fear of heights like my brother, joining the military because of fear of death like my husband who was influenced by his mother's obsession with death.
There may be deep feelings and/or fears from much earlier in your life influencing your current choices. I am merely pointing this out so you can give some deep thought to those possibilities. Earlier influences of that strength are not necessarily easy to discover, understand, or accept. But it is important to consider that they may exist and try to find them. Otherwise choices and decisions are made blindly and perhaps self-destructively. I am always amazed to realize how much I have discovered about myself in the 52 tears since I was 19. Good luck.
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PTSD, you canNOT compare YOUR life experiences and interpret them to be the same as HW here. You can only say IE, or in my personal experience. It sounds like you are doubting a) her ability to make decisions and then b) doubting the actual decisions that she will or has already made. I am an alcoholic, anorexic, bulimic, self-harming, military wife, none of what you say as in "counter"-ing is what has led to my DISEASES. URGH. I mean seriously, what works for one may not be the case for another. Reasoning for actions on ones behalf could be completly different for another. It doesn't matter where HW or her friend are stationed, or what their missions are... in the end it's all the same. His substance abuse is HIS issue, not hers. She can only remain a caring friend, from a distance, that was already established. For some reason it sounds as though you are doubting her capability as a service member. Are you? HW, you and i have spoken briefly before, you know where I stand. I think you are remarkable. Keep your head up and your love for our country!
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I was not so concerned about halfwolven's friend as that situation seems to have arranged itself. What I was concerned about was her subjecting herself to a possibly difficult deployment when she already was dealing with earlier issues of possible severity. I am not questioning her patriotism. I should mention I have a son who is doing his 20, with 6 years left. He is in Special Forces and was first in August 1990, when he was with the 82nd Airborne. He also was in Afghanistan in 2006.
My husband served honorably in Korea, but the stresses he experienced there along with earlier issues created a very destructive life path which made 25 years of a 44 year marriage very difficult. I therefore encourage anyone who choses a dangereous, potentially life threatening career/job/activity to take a deep look at all the possible motives and consequences involved in that choice. Everyone has different life experiences. That is why I listed a number of different painful situations that I have observed over time.
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