Military Families Support Group

Hello everyone. This is my first time posting, and I'm not really sure where to start. Hang in with me here please.

I've been with my fiance since October 2007. We've been engaged since November 2007. I've been through two deployments with him. He came home from his second deployment while we've been together on 8/5. He's an engineer in the Navy.

I understand there's a re-adjustment time after deployment where you get used to your loved one being home. My father is retired Navy and did 24 1/2 years in, so I was kind of used to it. I thought I knew what to expect since it was essentially all I knew growing up.

Every time he comes home from deployment, he's been cruel. He's good for a few days, and then he starts treating me disrespectfully. He shows no remorse for it and acts like nothing is wrong when in reality it's ruining our relationship and driving me away. I am at my wit's end and don't know what to do anymore.

He came home from our first deployment together in 10/08. That time, he was home for less than a month when he started replying to Craigslist ads behind my back for casual sex and no strings attatched relations. He would send women his picture and his phone number. He'd make plans with me and blow me off for his friends. He'd always go out partying and drinking with his friends. He would get upset if I went out with my friends. He would get angry and demand to go to parties with me if I was invited; he'd start fights if I wanted to go by myself and just hang with the girls. He began posting on filthy sex personal sites and posting on Craigslist looking for girls.

When I confronted him about this, he claimed that he didn't meet up or have sex with any of the girls he was talking with. He said he was looking for an ego boost and never intended on meeting up with anyone. When I ask him about it, he refuses to elaborate. Because of this, there is no wedding date set. We were originally going to be married this Halloween and I have a way-too-expensive wedding dress collecting dust in my closet.

Also, early this past February I was pregnant. When I called to tell him, he was too busy with the boys and didn't feel like listening to me. He said, "I don't love you, I don't want to be with you, I don't give a s**t about you. I don't care that you're pregnant because you're probably just going to abort the thing anyways. Get out of my life and leave me alone." Later he retracted and said he just wanted to be left alone for the night. I had a miscarriage towards the end of March. He refuses to talk about the pregnancy or the miscarriage and has been anything but supportive.

I don't even really know if I want to stay with him anymore at this point between his behavior and his response to the pregnancy/miscarriage.

This time he hasn't even been home two weeks and he's acting weird. He took second leave, and has been avoiding me completely unless he wants a place to crash for the night. He got extremely drunk the other night, called me and started screaming at me for no reason. He sat there and called me names, told me I was selfish and greedy. After the phone conversation, he accidently sent me a message online saying that he was from Craigslist and he hasn't been online because he's been out to sea. He got angry and started talking down to me, saying terrible things to me. Because I stood up for myself, he broke up with me. I was left sobbing and crying at 1:30am.

The day after (yesterday), he calls me and acts like nothing happened. He says he doesn't remember the fight or even breaking up with me, so it must not have happened. He's trying to smother me in affection and all it's doing is making me angry. Later in the day he kept asking me if I cheated on him while he was away, which kind of came out of nowhere. He was supposed to be here this morning, and I haven't gotten so much as a phone call from him. I don't know if I should start calling the morgues or something because this is completely unlike him; usually I get like 4-5 phone calls from in a day.

I have been extremely unhappy for almost the past year and he isn't taking my concerns seriously. I have asked him to go with me to Fleet and Family Services to speak to a counselor, but he keeps saying, "We'll do it later." Or he's too busy. When I say I need a break, he refuses and says we aren't taking a break. He refuses to take steps towards improving our relationship and believes that what he's doing should be making everything better and that he's doing nothing wrong.

I know some emotional distance is normal, but this is ridiculous. The only reason why I hang around, aside from love, is because we didn't even have an arguement or anything for a year. It was almost like a dream because I was never so happy in my life. I want that time and the man I fell in love with back.

Please help me. What do I do?
Posted on 08/21/09, 11:08 pm