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My boyfriend lost his grandfather [[LONGGGGG]].
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My name is Alexis, and my boyfriend's name is Albert. He's in training in Florida. He went to boot camp, for the Navy, a few months after we started dating. We've been through a lot together in this short period of time. He helped me through my first heart break and I'm helping him get through the beginning of his Navy career. Well I love him very much needless to say and I'd do anything for him, but a week ago he found out his grandpa had died in his sleep. His grandpa was basically his dad, because he was raised by him and his grandma. He died on April 23rd, and Albert didn't even tell me until the next night, the 24th. I knew he was hurting bad, but he still told me he loved me and goodnight like usual. The next day he avoided all my text and calls, same with the day after that. On the 26th He sent me a text saying "I can't do this anymore, I can't ignore you. I hope you can understand and forgive me, but I just can't be with you or anyone right now." I immediately called him, and he kept saying he was sorry and he's just got a lot on his mind. I asked him if he still loved me and he paused, then said "No, I don't." So we were over. This of course was shocking since he used to tell me that there was no measure to how much he loved me and that he wanted to spend forever with me. Needless to say we got off the phone and I cried.
So what I'm asking is if any of you have gone through something like this, was he just saying he didn't love me and couldn't be with me because he was hurting and needs to just think, or if he truly just doesn't give a crap about me anymore, which I kind of find hard to believe, but I could just be in denial. Then I'm also curious on how to help him through it, I've told him thousands of times that I'm here for him, and if he needs to talk I'm just a phone call or text away. I thought about writing him a long letter that says basically; [[I know you're going through a lot right now, and I know you need time, but know that I'm here and I love you, and I'm not going anywhere. When I said forever, I meant it. If you said you didn't love me and you meant it, and it wasn't just the pain talking then let me know and I'll just be your friend and if you still do love me and you still want me to visit you in August for our one year anniversary, then let me know.]] Then I was going to take pictures of all the places we went together and had a lot of fun here back in our home state, and send that along with some of his favorite things that always used to make him smile. I don't know if this a bad idea or not. A lot to read, and I'm sorry, but lemme know if you have any advice. Posted on 05/02/09, 09:05 am |
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He is definitely in a lot of pain and grief.
Read about the phases of grief. He may be afraid of getting close to you and losing you too. Send a sympathy card for the loss of his Grand...Father...they don't call them Grand for nothin' ya know. Remember, if his grandpa raised him then he has already lost the love of his bilogical father and mother it sounds like...he may be afraid of losing yet another close relationship. Give it some time... 
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I agree that he may be afraid to love and loose again. Also, as a man he may want/need badly to cry but be unable or unwilling to do so. He may be afraid that he will break down if he receives your sympathy and "big boys don't cry." Another thing he may feel he will be under some pressure to make love, and one of the things that happens with orgasm is an opening up that can lead to the release of feelings like grief. Suggest you read The Primal Scream by Arthur Janov to better understand the mechanics of extreme emotion.
For the moment write that you respect his need for space, but you will be there when he is ready to make contact again. After you have read the book I recommend, you might write another more detailed letter based on a better understanding of what may be going on with him.
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Problem is he doesn't talk to me barely at all anymore. Last time he said anything to me was 4 days ago and I asked him how he was doing and he said "been better", I asked if he wanted to talk about it, and he said "nope", I asked him if he just wanted me to leave him alone and he said "Don't really care". I don't know if he really just doesn't love me anymore, or if it really is just him being hurt. I can't physically there for him, he's 920 miles away! I'm trying but he's ignoring me. I kinda feel like he's making me into the bad guy. Like if he gets close to me again, he's doing something wrong because he should be alone for the rest of his life.. As if that would solve anything! Is it possible to just love someone to death and then out of nowhere you just don't anymore?
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I'm sorry I have taken so long to add a reply. Have been dealing with a crisis of my own, now mostly resolved. My reply #2 is still valid. It sounds as though his heart is really frozen. If he has lost buddies in combat this will make his grief/freeze even worse. Until he can release this grief, he will probably remain frozen for a long time. Please read the book I recommended. You will understand him a lot better.
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