What is Marijuana Addiction
The drug cannabis, commonly known as marijuana, is produced from parts of the cannabis plant, primarily the cured flowers and gathered trichomes of the female plant. The major acti...
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What To Do About Boyfriend's Habit
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I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years and only recently has his pot-smoking become a problem in our relationship. Truthfully, it never bothered me before because it never interfered with his life (still doesn't) and never seemed to alter his mood too much. He only smokes in the evenings when he comes home from work or if he has a day off, in which case he might take a couple hits here and there throughout the afternoon. He claims it relaxes him, keeps his overactive mind calm. I don't know why I have a problem with it now, perhaps because I have recently embarked on a healthier, more natural lifestyle for myself--going to yoga practice on a daily basis, meditating, etc. Whatever the reason, his pot-smoking bugs me. It doesn't help that he also drinks between 3-5 beers every night. Don't get me wrong, despite his habits, he's truly a wonderful man--I would not have stayed with him if he didn't have any redeeming qualities. We met in college where he went on to receive his master's degree. He's a bright man without a lazy bone in his body. He is kind and generous, very responsible in all aspects of his life, works hard at 2 jobs (one for a university, one for the government) comes from a good family, shows his love for me regularly, etc. The only problem in our relationship surrounds these dependencies he's developed. I don't want to leave him, but fear this will be a lifelong battle for us. Please give me advice on what to do. We share the same vision of the future (kids, old farmhouse in the country, etc.)but I wonder if I shoud let this dream go. We're in counseling together right now, which he graciously agreed to when I suggested it. He is making a conscious effort at cutting back with the beer and the pot. Just last night I noticed he switched to water after a few beers, which made me happy. But what if he can't keep up the good work? What if he can never quit the pot altogether? Should I stay for a bit longer and hope for continuous progress or should I leave? Please help.
Posted on 07/24/09, 10:07 am |
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I'm no relationship counsellor, but here's my take:
The vast majority of alcoholics/addicts have what your refer to as "redeeming qualities'. It's a sickness, not a moral failing. Something's gotta give---If things keep going this way, in a few years, you're going to hate this man's guts. The 3 to 5 beers will be 6 to 9 beers. "Last night he switched to water after a few beers"---he didn't do it because he wanted to---he did it to shut you up. You say that the beer and pot "doesn't interfere with his life" --How do you know that, if he's done it throughout your relationship? Seems to me that he's possibly avoiding certain feelings/emotions/issues. I think you owe it to yourself to learn all you can about the nature of addiction and realize you can't change him---only he can change himself. Maybe look into Al-Anon or another such support group. And DON'T have kids until you figure all this out. 
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Borgnine,
Thanks for your reply, I truly appreciate it. You're right, something's gotta give. I'm going to be patient and continue to hope for a change, but yes, ultimately I will need to do what's best for me. I'm not willing to give up yet, I suppose. Do you believe there's ANY chance he could get better with me staying by his side, or do you think it will take me leaving in order for him to begin anew?
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Sweetie---There's definitely a chance....BUT---
He has to change because HE wants to. He has to do it for himself, not because he thinks it will make you happy. Consider the possibility that in the eight years you have been together, you've grown up and he hasn't......Dopers tend to stay in a form of "suspended animation" and remain adolescents at heart, never really becoming true adults.
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Yeah couples counselor is not treating what is could probably marijuana addiction and alcoholism, and if he doesn't want to change then no one can make him.
It is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker to drink like a normal person, same with the pot smoker. We go to great lengths to try to control and moderate our use, but if addiction is the problem, it will progress. There is a pamphlet for loved ones of marijuana addicts at www.marijuana-anonymous.org , but if he is not in treatment at marijuana anonymous or another 12 step program then it isn't that applicable - it's to help you support his recovery. I have found AL ANON to be a huge support for me in dealing with similar issues of wishing the man I was in a relationship with would change his drinking/ using habits. I suffered much because of it. When I was still smoking pot, my ex who smoked heavily with me, turned to crack, and that was when I hit my bottom and eventually got help and have been able to remain clean and sober and deal with some of my AL ANON issues, which don't go away just because the relationship ends. Addiction affects those who care about the addict. I don't know if he's an addict but if he abuses drugs and alcohol you qualify for AL ANON and NAR ANON and they are there to help you, because you are suffereing enough to get counseling and work on your life and come here and join, but is he doing any of those things? Probably a good group for you here is the codependency, which I have benefitted from. Your'e not alone and I know it hurts.
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Ah, again borgnine offers great advice. If there's one thing I've learned about relationships in my life, it's that you can't change a person. Even if the changes would obviously benefit him, he has to want them before they'll stick. Have you considered that if you push him to do something he doesn't want, he may end up resenting you for it? The best case scenario is for him to see how it could benefit his life, and his relationship to stop. Then you can stand beside him and support him all the way. Communicate, communicate, communicate. About everything. I wish you all the best. It's hard loving somebody and knowing they're not right for you, I know.
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Well, today after work I went home, gathered most of my belongings and drove to Philly to be with my family. I've tried ending the relationship before, but I went back because I was holding on to good times that we had and to the hope in the future I'd come around to accepting his evening habit. He's always been my buddy, my best friend and the guy who could always cheer me up when I was sad. I feel like I've made a mistake by leaving, but also don't want this cycle to continue. Why isn't love enough? Why can't I just accept him for who he is? It's not as if he comes home and just sits on his ass and gets drunk and stoned. It's only 4 or 5 beers and a few hits of pot later at night. I hate going through this. I feel like no one will ever love me the way he did. Here I am at 31 years old with one failed relationship under my belt. Will I always attract these kinds of men? Will I ever get married to a partner I can fully accept and love?
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Oh honey, I'm so sorry. It hurts, I know. Let me tell you this. I'm 39, and still single. I've made some poor choices in men in the past, and alot of that has had to do with a fear of being alone. Only recently am I coming to terms with the fact that I don't know if I'll ever have that relationship, and if it doesn't happen, well...it's ok. Still getting my head around that, but I suspect that when I'm truly happy with myself, and HONESTLY ok alone - then it'll happen. If not, I guess that's the way it was meant to be, and that's my journey in this life. Right now, the best thing you can do is be true to yourself, honour your grief, and give yourself the time you need to heal. I'd love to tell you that you'll meet mr right, but there are no guarantees in this life. My feeling (and experience) is that you'll attract the kind of men you feel you're worth, and only by focusing on your passions, and loving yourself (by that I mean treating yourself with respect, kindness, and nurturing yourself) will you meet a like-minded man. Give yourself time harmony, and don't punish yourself (and him) by dragging this out. You know in your soul what is right for you. Don't worry about the future, focus on the NOW. One day at a time girl, one hour at a time if need be. I wish you all the best for your journey.
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I dont know if you are still even excepting replies but as some one who has taken the road of your husband in my own marriage. It is an addiction and can not be stoped over night, counsellors are a great way to open up to see what the core reason for the need or dependency that your husband has. Dont give up yet he needs you and has agreed to see a counsellor which is a start. Just my take Hope it helps
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Wow! I hope you continue to seek out support. That is a big change, and you are doing the best you can now. What I have found in my pattern of choosing guys with substance abuse / alcohol problems, is that ending the relationship does not make everything better in me. I am getting help and hope in Al Anon. I think this program Al Anon may be the difference between getting into another relationship where I feel responsible to change someone elses substance abuse and get caught up in all that pain and suffering, and choosing something healthier.
You may want to seek out some Al Anon literature (books, pamphlets) I find them extremely comforting and helpful. The Al Anon book page 20 "Seeking solutions for ourselves" states - "Clearly, a loved one's sobriety does not solve all our problems. Nor does physical separation, or even death. Even those of us who have not been involved with any alcoholics for many years find that we continue to be affected by the family disease. In short, the effects of alcoholism - obsession, anxiety, anger, denial and feelings of guilt - tend to persist until we seek recovery for ourselves. The drama of other people's problems can be very distracting, especially when those people are alcoholics. But in Al Anon we discover that the problem does not lie solely within another person; the problem is also within us. The behavior of an alcoholic friend, spouse, child, sibling, employer, or parent may have led us to Al Anon, but we soon realize that our own thinking has become distored. Al Anon helps us to stop wasting time trying to change the things over which we have no control and to put our efforts to where we do have some power - over our own lives."
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