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Getting out of the rut of loneliness ...
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takes work. It doesn't just happen. We don't wake up one day with a brand, new best friend that will never, ever abandon us.
It takes a conscious effort to make regular contact with the friends and family we do have. To nurture those relationships by being there for them as well as hoping they'll be here for us. To not jump to hasty conclusions whenever a phone call, text, or e-mail isn't returned. It takes a conscious effort to realize they are people too and not our personal saviors. It takes a conscious effort to make plans to get together AND follow through with them. I have a nasty habit of taking every little action (or non-action) personally. I've had to train myself not to do so, or else I'd sit around telling myself "________ doesn't care.", "________ doesn't give a sh*t." and it's so easy to end up in a negative, self-perpetuating cycle. Our friends and family members have their own lives too and part of BEING a good friend is understanding that. Now if you find you are doing more giving than receiving, then perhaps it's time to rethink that relationship and whether or not it's really worth your time. But usually, with true friends, it will balance out. Posted on 08/26/12, 01:05 pm |
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i like what you said. i have a big problem with lonliness and am alone a lot.. i really need those good people you speak of. I dont really have anyone in my life i can open up to and be myself to. And i have trust issues and other issues that close me off from people. I really wish i could find some to open up to and be there for me with the rough time i am going through.. 
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I know how hard it is to make that first step. My whole life I've never been a great friend to others. I'd call on them when I needed support but I rarely offered my support and just plain old interest on a regular basis. I was selfish. It took a while for me to understand that ALL relationships are give and take and need nurturing. If we want others to be there for us, we have to be there for them And show a genuine interest in their daily lives.
I didn't rush out and get a new set of friends. I made the effort to reconnect with the ones I've had and had been neglecting. I also make an effort to connect with family on a regular basis. Are there any friendships or fmily relationships you've neglected that you can start to re-establish? If so, that gives you a foundation. And then you can add to your support system as you meet new, compatible friends. It does take a level of vulnerability and willingness to open up and put yourself put there. Don't just rush into reconnecting with a desire to talk about your own trials and challenges. Ease into it by catching up and when that door is opened up again, you can express a need for support or an ear to listen.
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This is a great post too, my struggle lately is that I do reach out to both family and friends regularly - however, in most cases, I am the one doing all the work. Plenty of people willing to spend time with me, and I am thankful for that, but I realized that I do ALL the initiating. I'm tired - and rarely does anyone seek me out to spend time with. If I stopped seeking people out, I think my entire social life would crumple. No invitations, no phone calls, nothing (or very few). It makes me feel as if there is absolutely nothing special enough about me to make people think of me outside of their normal lives. If I call or email to set a date, I almost always get a response and committment to get together, and people come through, but why is it always me? Dare I stop working so hard to maintain my social life? Why do I need it so much? Tough questions I have been asking myself lately! Maybe a little time to myself wouldn't be so bad - my schedule is always jam packed with work, volunteer work, hobbies, family, social stuff, etc...
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I like what you said Wildflower about being aware of others needs - not just calling when we need support, but calling to see how their lives are doing. I also like how you retrained your brain to interpret things in a more realistic, compassionate manner, rather than jumping to conclusions that people are rejecting you, you see that they are just busy or have their own issues. It sounds like you've worked really hard on yourself and have made a ton of progress. Bravo!
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Such a wonderful post. A reminder that thinks take work, and that sometimes that work becomes about lettng go! Thank you!
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I can relate. I feel as if its better to keep to myself than to get hurt over and oved again. Sometimes I don't know how much I can go on like this.
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You are so right! I take everything personally as well, but so often it has nothing to do with us. People are busy with their own lives. I would love to be the center of attention of the people that I love, but I'm not, and I have to live with that. And you're right that being a good friend is accepting that. I hadn't thought of it that way.
Making a conscious effort does pay off, at least most of the time. That's a good thing to know. I like your picture. (or what is it called? I'm so not computer savvy). I love hiking. Have a great day and thanks for posting this!
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