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I Want To kill Myself
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The last straw.
One of hundreds of people who can't deal with me. Even my son, i sent him very expensive present and he doesn't even care to pick it up from post office. Everyone leaves me due to my need for help. Here is what my fianace said knowing that I had depression that no doctors can solve. I don't mean to ignore you completely and I know I am repeating myself but I am pretty much always busy and/or tired when I'm not working or sleeping. I can not keep up with everything you write and yes I DO feel you are getting too close again. It may sound alike but closer is not the same as closure. I thought closure is what you wanted. If I have to be honest I can, just as you said, not deal with you all the time anymore. I can't carry your weight on top of my own. But you're pushing it onto me anyway. I can not go back to the old days or the frequency and intensity of our correspondence in the old days. I am sorry. I want you as my friend but you keep trying to be more. I hate to be hard on you but I have to. You are not more than a friend and you will remain my ex-fiancee. If you think I will somehow come back to you you are deceiving yourself tremendously and nobody benefits. You are my friend and I care about you but I want you to see reality because that's where you live your real life and if you escape reality too much you will neglect it and it will drive you deeper into madness. And I don't want that to happen to you. It's too fucking late. I can't wait for darkness so I can check out. It feels like the peacefulness that death offers. Nothingingness. Which is what enevelopes me when I'm awake. I'm worthless. People reinforce that including my own mother and sister. I don't mean to ignore you completely and I know I am repeating myself but I am pretty much always busy and/or tired when I'm not working or sleeping. I can not keep up with everything you write and yes I DO feel you are getting too close again. It may sound alike but closer is not the same as closure. I thought closure is what you wanted. If I have to be honest I can, just as you said, not deal with you all the time anymore. I can't carry your weight on top of my own. But you're pushing it onto me anyway. I can not go back to the old days or the frequency and intensity of our correspondence in the old days. I am sorry. I want you as my friend but you keep trying to be more. I hate to be hard on you but I have to. You are not more than a friend and you will remain my ex-fiancee. If you think I will somehow come back to you you are deceiving yourself tremendously and nobody benefits. You are my friend and I care about you but I want you to see reality because that's where you live your real life and if you escape reality too much you will neglect it and it will drive you deeper into madness. And I don't want that to happen to you. To late prince charming you have already destroyed me. Posted on 06/18/12, 10:50 pm |
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oh dear, with a line like that 'i want to kill myself" we can only take that seriously, which it is.
please call someone....we are not professionals that can help you..... do you have a plan? do you have a history of attempts?? has anyone in your family attempted or completed suicide?? do you have the means? do you have a timeline?? please if you feel suicidal but you have no intention of suicide please put that in your text so we know that you are safe but you are feeling awful. either way you need help. ! there is a difference between being actively suicidal and just feeling like you want to die....... please don't leave us hanging.... like this....we actually care about you...... come back and talk to us when you read this okay???? let's talk about it........... 
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You are not worthless, Pennyphone. You are a beautiful person, but the world can be very cruel. Please call a suicide line or emergency if you are feeling suicidal. A lot of us have been suicidal and we understand. You're not alone, Sweetheart.
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I have called and called suicide lines. they are cold sterile people who don't care if you live or die. the result will be a bunch of brutal policeman locking me in an institution for the 11th time.
I don't call suicide lines. They are worthless and I'd rather be dead than be in one more horrific mental whorehouse. thus, my pain. there IS NO WHERE TO GO. NO WHERE FOR HELP NO ONE THAT LOVES ME THAT WILL COME OVER. IM DONE
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I understand Pennyphone. I've had the same experience. Some of them are the devil. For myself, I never was helped by mainstream mental health systems. They did damage that till this day I am working to heal.
I found help from an alternative source, a shaman, who understood how horrible some of those people can be. I owe this person my life. Please don't give up, Pennyphone. You are being true to your experience and that is good. That is your power! If the mental health system is not helping you, look elsewhere. Trust yourself. Real help feels good. Say "no" to the rest and keep looking. Here's a quote that helps me (from author Cheri Huber): "If the voice is not speaking with love and compassion, don't listen to it. If the voice is not loving, don't listen to it, don't follow it, don't believe it. No exceptions!"
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When I felt like there was no where else to turn and wanted to end it all, I got myself into CoDA meetings. Codependence Anonymous. Emotions Anonymous, Social Phobics Anonymous and even Al Anon and ACoA can be somewhere you can go and just be emotional and around a real experience which is so much better than Therapy. You can call people from the group when you are having difficult times and just express your feelings to someone that understands the way others can't. I talked about wanting to suicide and it felt better. You don't even have to talk but you will be accepted for whoever you are. It's your choice what you do but I think it's worth seeing what tomorrow might bring. I still struggle, and the 12 steps are optional, but even just being at a meeting without any need to do anything, or believe in principles of the group, is such an amazing thing. All you have to do is be yourself. It really is worth it to try before you make a decision. It costs nothing other than a small donation if you can or wish. I wish you well.
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hope your ok and this is a new day today so please come share your day with us...we care...we are here waiting....hugs bill
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i can understand that you wouldn't want to be hospitalized again. you wouldn't want police coming to your door. ...(((((((((((((((((penny)))))))))))))))))) you've been through so much!!!!! you are a real trooper!!!! you've made it through being suicidal 11 times you can make it through again penny.
turn on some music. do the thing that you cannot.....take care of yourself. do something nice for yourself even if you loathe the idea......are you part of another group that has live chat??? distract yourself away from the thought that you'd be better off dead. we care about you penny. maybe being in the hospital, on your own decision is the safest place for you......are you on meds? maybe you need to keep trying to get the right cocktail or get back on your meds. let them stabilize you. if you have mental illness it's not your fault!!! that is what is convincing you that suicide is the only way......but you cannot rely on your brain in this moment to lead you down the right path.....it is lying to you penny. you feel so awful right now and i know how intense it is.....you just have to remember it is your chemistry is off.....that is the hand you've been dealt in life. our chemistry changes all damned day long. this will pass. it will get better. you will find relief. you are broken hearted and your chemistry is off but that is not a reason to kill yourself........... hang in there penny. you know the ropes. you know.....and if you don't believe that we care about you and want you to stay with us think about the people that you could have helped through their own suicidal crisis if you had stayed around and gotten your chemistry back on track.......you could potentially save lives penny....what is more valuable in life than that???
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Healthy lady,
I sure appreciate you piping in on my nightmare that is as intense as yesterday, but to say that there are others worse off is suppose to cure me? Is insane. What would you say per say to the actualy worse off person in the world. Someoen who was really the worst saddest person in the world? Would you say hey cheer up, you are the worst depressed person in the world? And is that suppose to cheer him up. I don't care who is worse off. I care about me and sorry is this sounds rude, but some advice to people who are done with their lives makes me sad. Like hey, your on sleeping meds and can't eat and won't bath and wish for death, but take a walk in the sun. Fuck that. Sorry. Im sure you meant well, but I'm sinking on the titantic and some people are yelling at me to do something when they are all in nice safe lifeboats that have no room for me. Does anyone get that analogy?
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