What is Life-After-Divorce
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face?
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i'm worried that i made the wrong decision when i divorced my husband. he was never the nicest or even easy to get along with (he never hugged me or held me or showed any feelings towards me/he used heroin and drank/he set my clothes on fire/he rarely had a job, in fact the last two years of our marriage he didn't have a job and not because he couldn't find one either...i'm not trying to only say the bad things either because he would take good care of me when i was sick and when i came home from work he would have dinner made) but i really loved him and still do and i really felt that there was a connection between us. he was never accepted by my family or friends and most of my friends stopped talking to me because of him; my father says that he will disown me if i go back to him. we haven't been together for six months and he is all i think about day and night, although he did some really horrible things to me. this whole time he has been begging me to come back to him and he keeps saying that he has changed. recently right before our divorce he had been throwing the suicide card around saying that if i left him and went through with the divorce that he would kill himself. the one night he called me and cocked a gun while he was on the phone with me, he hung up immediately and i called the police because i didn't know if he was serious or not; but regardless when the cops got there he was fine and lied to the police saying that i made the whole thing up. after the police left and took the gun thank goodness he called me back and told me that i was immature for doing that and i also got him kicked out of his parents house (because they didn't know he had a gun) and he told me i needed to grow up before i ever had a child (i wanted a baby). since then he has apologized to me for doing that and then same sentence saying that i was an idiot for thinking that he would ever do that. i just miss him so much and i feel so incomplete without him. he keeps calling my phone and telling me he has enough money for us to get our own place and that he wants a baby with me, and he just keeps telling me how he knows that we were meant to be together. i am just so confused because i love him so much and i really don't want to be without him, especially now when if i went back to him we would have everything we wanted.
Posted on 11/07/09, 06:11 pm |
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First I want to welcome you to DS. You will find a lot of good supportive & caring people here.
Sweetie, I'm going to be very blunt. The man you described is an abusive addict. What he is doing is manipulative - it's sure not love. There's a 99.9% chance that he will never change. I don't know you, but I do know that you deserve much better. Please check out the Physical & Emotional Abuse group http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Phy... Also, check out www.yourarenotcrazy.com. I suspect you will relate to much of what you read there. Please contact your local women's shelter. Most have free resources that will help you to understand that what you are going thru right now is normal for an abnormal situation. I rarely give advice, but when it comes to abuse, your life is at risk. His behavior is escalating and will continue to do so. Please do not go back to him under ANY circumstances. Big hugs to you!!! 
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Please do NOT believe that if you go back that you will have everything you ever wanted. I promise you that is not true.
Addicts LIE LIE LIE LIE. They don't know how to tell the truth. Abusers LIE LIE LIE LIE. They will say anything and mean nothing - they will do whatever it takes to regain control of you. Please do NOT go back.
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Please listen to MyTrueColors.
YOur ex husband is a CLASSIC abuser. I know, I was married to one for 30 years... Here is what you need to know... Abusers never change. LIterally. Less than 8% of them seek help, and less than 2% of those that seek help change. Do you think that he's one of that tiny percentage? If you think he might be, then talk to him for maybe a minimum of 3 years, before deciding anything. Let him prove it. Words are easy. Please go to the Physical and Emotional abuse community here on DS. You will get tons of information on your abusive ex, and learn a lot, and get a ton of support from people who have been there done that, won't do it again. You are young. Abusers are often charming to the rest of the world, and to us, when they are trying to sucker us in. But I so wish someone had told me at 24 who my ex really was. And he's using the baby thing to get to you....he's pushing the button that he knows will make you stop and listen. But trust me, children become an abusers best most effective tool to control, manipulate and hurt their wives, and they do untold damage to the kids. This I know from research, from talking to others in the same position, and from personal harrowing horrible experience. Don't bring a child into this relationship. Please. I hope you will come and post this same post in the physical and emotional abuse community. This is dangerous, and scary, and you need support from the hundreds of people there who were married or in a relationship with men like this. Hugs to you....
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Can you really read what you have written here and believe that this person is someone who can have a healthy relationship? You've been apart for 6 months; people don't change the core of who they are in 6 months. We are who we are and he is who he is. What is it that you miss? Do miss having no clothes? Do you miss the abuse? Do you feel you deserve to be with someone because they guilt you into it? I don't belive anyone is all bad and has some redeeming qualities but the purpose of relationships is to aid us in our pursuit of happiness. Were you happy? Is cooking dinner a redeming quality in your eyes?
You divorced him. You did the right thing. Move forward with your life.
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i know he has problems but there were so many times where i felt content when i was with him; now it feels like there is a pit in my stomach and it never goes away. i am trying to move on but every time i seem to think that i'm getting better all these memories of us going for walks with him and his kids (he was married before) and so many others just come flooding my head and i feel like i cannot function unless i get my family back. i just feel like this feeling of separation is never going to end like i will never forget him, never get over him. he keeps leaving me messages on my phone begging me to talk to him and to leave my house and go to him so that we can start over. i want to believe him that he has changed. i really do think that he has changed some things but i am afraid that even those won't stick. the few times that i have talked to him he just keeps saying that my father is manipulating me and trying to keep me close to him because he is afraid to let me go. he knows that my dad doesn't like him because he didn't treat me the way my dad wanted him to. i just feel weak and i feel like the people around me are getting tired of me feeling depressed. i don't really know anything without him, he's all i've known since high school.
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I do understand how you feel. Everything I've said here was spoken from my own personal experience.
I was married 39 yr to an alcoholic in denial. I believed I took vows and I was determined to honor them. I kept telling myself if he had cancer I wouldn't leave. I stayed and stayed hoping he would change, trying to get him to change & hanging on to the "good" parts, which by the way became fewer and fewer. After doing a full intervention years ago, he was "sober" for 12 years. NOT!!! He lied and I KNEW he was lying, but I was in total denial. Denial (theirs & ours) is something that is part and parcel w/addiction). After that he "fell off the wagon" and I made him choose, alcohol or me. He refused to go to in patient but supposedly went to out patient rehab. That didn't work either. He continued to choose alcohol. I agree to marriage counseling w/his therapist (BIG BIG MISTAKE). Turns out he had the therapist convinced he didn't have an alcohol problem. When I asked if he would stop drinking just while we were in therapy, he refused. That's when I said, I'm done. As long as they continue to use, we are talking to the drug and not the person. There is only one relationship...and that is between the person & their drug of choice. I understand the craving to be with him and wanting to have the good parts back. It WILL fade in time, but the ONLY way that will happen is NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT. What I am learning in my 'golden' years is that I need to focus on ME - that I have everything I need WITHIN me. Even now, It's a HUGE struggle after being emotionally & spiritually gutted by his alcoholism and subtle abuse for my entire adult life. I WANTED to believe he was different. He's not & neither is your ex. Addiction is addiction is addiction. I do feel your pain as it wasn't that long ago for me. BUT, you will get past it. Unfortunately, the only way to get past it is to go thru it. It's sort of like an addict going thru withdrawals. You might find it helpful to attend local alanon & co-dependents anon (coda) meetings. You will find you are so not alone and you will see that you can get thru this and come out the other side and not need or want him in your life. Big hugs, sweetie.
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