What is Life-After-Divorce
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face?
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I have many questions and not sure what to ask here and hope people don't judge me. I met this guy and we dated about 3 times and both felt there was a connection but I screwed it up and freaked out one weekend when he didn't call and made too many phone calls. When he saw that, it really bothered him and now I feel there is no way to work thru this without him feeling I'll do it again. I want to talk this through with him but it is too soon to go this deep with someone and to tell him about why I processed it weird. It's hard to really give the whole picture except that he talks a lot about other woman he was with in his life and how sexual they were and so on. I never went there with him, thankfully. I want a deeper connection than just casual sex. However, I basically lumped him into the category of "Player" and my brain was always suspicious especially that one weekend he didn't call. Yes, I know I sound needy and I'm working on that. But is there a way to keep it light and breezy and get him to forget that past goof on my part? There is a connection and would just like to start with that. He IM'd me and texted me alot in the beginning and then backed off when I said I need to not get sucked into that. He lives 3 hours away and is now saying he wants to concentrate on local gals now but hasn't met anyone yet. He says he's emotionally available and looking to get married again someday but is not in a hurry. He says there is something there but he needs more face time to feel comfortable. I may not be an option for him since I do live 3 hours away. I am planning to move up to where he is anyway in 10 months, is there a way to keep some sort of relationship with him alive with the possibility of dating in the future? What is you'alls advice here. I am really agonizing over this and need to find some peace about it. Thanks for your help.
Posted on 11/05/09, 12:11 am |
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You have gone out with this person 3 times and talked with him a few times, and text back and forth a few times. I do not see where there is a relationship and when you freaked over him not contacting you 1 weekend you sent him a red flag.
Sounds as if he is trying to back away from you in a nice way. If you want to start a friendship with him because right now from what you have written there isn't one you need to simply back off. You say you are needy which led to your calling him way too many times. I think you need to focus on this issue and resolve this 1st before attempting to form a relationship. Cuz if you don't it will happen again because the trust issues you may have and you getting so attached with a guy from a few casual dates shows yes you are lonely and want to be in a relationship but how do you know if this guy is right for you? You are moving too fast so stop agonizing relax and let the relationship grow. If not you may scare him away with your neediness. If he is interested he will contact you and let you know. You may not be ready to date yet and need to really deal with what is going on with you 1st.. I wish you well. 
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There is no judgement here. I can really relate, trust me.
But I'm glad you recognize that you're being needy at this point. But, here's the deal; he has other women and only wants to make you one of them. He lives more than a stones throw away from you and it would better for you to have someone closer. You need to realize that there are more fish in the same sea you got him out of. You're going overboard for someone you already know doesn't have your best interest at heart. He's not that into you or else he wouldn't have gone so long without calling you. You should feel that you deserve better. If you don't then you'll continue to persue dysfunction. Is he your rebound relationship? It would make sense if he were. I'm gonna tell you what I wish I had known when I went through this. You feel a connection with someone who is not in a position to accept the connection. The connection is stronger on your end and you're giving him all of your power. Power is something that once you give it away you will not recognize yourself without it. TRUST ME. He doesn't care. He's out enjoying his life while you're waiting on him to call. When he does call it will be so he can use you and you will allow him to do so because of your need for this connection. It's better to be alone than to be mistreated, unappreciated and used. I would like to open up my journals to you so you can see my journey on the same road you are on and willingly traveling. If you're interested shoot me a friends request. In the meantime I will tell you that didn't come to DS solely because of the breakup of my marriage. I came because I immediately jumped in to a rebound relationship with a guy who had a different set of intentions that I did. Although, I wasn't in love with him I allowed him to break my heart over and over for the span of 3 years. It's not a good place to be and I don't recommend it for anyone. I've had breakdowns without him knowing or even caring about what happened to me when he wasn't looking. I was addicted to this guy..No I am addicted to this guy and am now in recovery. After being apart for a year and a half he resurfaced. But not to the same person who was vulnerable and needy but to someone who could take him or leave him. I gave him my power and he didn't know it and he didn't care. Over this time I realized I didn't trust other people and I didn't trust my own judgement in people. I don't wish this on anyone. And my suggestion to you is to turn and run away from this guy and this road you're on now. After you get so far there is no turning back and you will only end up abused by yourself and by this man and will have no one to blame but yourself. It's better to have your feelings hurt NOW than have your heart and life broken down the road. Take this as a loss and keep going.
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You're aking if the relationship is good or bad. You don't have a relationship with this guy.
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JacJac....you are soooooo wise. I could not add more than what your wisdom has provided. Hugs, Jac Jac, hope to meet up with you one more time in a DC reunion.
Toosoon...take head of Jac Jac's wisdom. We have all gone through this. hurray to you for monitoring your feelings and behaviors. This man is not for you....there is someone else in your path. In the meantime heal so that you are strong and in power.
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