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Discussion:
how to move forward
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I have been separated for over 2 years all due my husband having great denial over his anxiety depression and cheating on me more then a few times. We have been married for 20 years with 2 children. For a while I waited this out hoping he would get treatment, feel remorse or want to change. But that hasn't happened. Instead he justifies his behavior, blames everyone for his problems and treats me like garbage. So I finally filed papers over 2 weeks ago. I am raising my 10 and 14 year old children by myself...just really need to move on with my life. The problem is the sadness I feel...loosing my best friend to whoever this man he turned into? Trying to get him to respond to ending this marriage is now another battle. He refuses to talk to anyone...let alone a lawyer. So now I don't know how this is going to affect this divorce in proceeding? I finally get the courage to do this, feeling better about myself and knowing I don't deserve this...but this is not easy. Sometimes I just feel so alone and that people just don't get it. I hope so badly this storm will past.
Posted on 01/26/13, 12:04 am
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Reply #1 - 01/26/13  9:29am
" I understand. I am similar in feeling alone, and ashamed. I was married 30 years, and had a home, a dog, children( now grown), and a sense of belonging. I knew that the love component from my spouse torward me was lacking, but I always hoped that we would grow closer as we got older, and the children were all out of the house. I was only fooling myself. I too, need to find a way to let go, and sucessfully grieve, and mourn my losses. I am as of recently seeing a counselor, and turning to this support group to receive enlightenment from others that have gone through similar situations, and have been able to come full swing, and find happiness again. I have been told that the trick is learning to love yourself again,and knowing that you have worth. I hope this helps a small amount. John "
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Reply #2 - 01/26/13  11:14pm
" Thanks John your your words. I too am seeing a therapist to help me through all of this and my faith. Some things in life just don't make sense...but I have to believe something good will come out of this. Just not there yet. But I know it will get better. You nailed it when you said having self worth...how important that is. And that is why I know that I deserve better than this and will find a way to move forward. Thanks again. Jenny "
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Reply #3 - 01/26/13  11:20pm
" Thanks John for your words of support. I too am seeing a therapist to help me through all of this and my faith. Some things in life just don't make sense...but I have to believe something good will come out of this. Just not there yet. But I know it will get better. You nailed it when you said having self worth...how important that is. And that is why I know that I deserve better than this and will find a way to move forward. Thanks again. Jenny "
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Reply #4 - 01/27/13  11:02am
" The divorce process itself is grueling. I had to focus all my energy on just making it through. Counseling, this group as well as a live support group also helps. "
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Reply #5 - 01/28/13  12:16am
" I am so very sorry. You posted on mine. Its is the most cruel and bewildering event. someone who was your best friend and now your worst enemy, knowing how you tick and not giving a damm for what they are doing. I expected so much from mine, be a mother like you were, a wife who loved me?? or did she and how long have I been played. It is sureal and when kids are involved , that just makes it so much harder. I have come to the point that what she does, my son sees and makes his own mind up and as long as I move us ahead, I am the rock and she is the loose cannon. Its very sad, I wish he never had to go though it, but its not me. and its not you. You do whats right, and the hard part that I really had to deal with when I filed....I cared! I loved her, I did not want to hurt her even though she hurt us. I had to put that aside at time and focus on what was best. I lost what I thought were really good friends, friend that live next door, friends with kids that grew up with mine. everyone treats us a leppers, but. its not me or my son, it s her. The weird thing, they all seem to want something from me, money, try to get me in trouble, take me to court, make me close off and protect my son and I. just keep doing whats right. it is so f ing hard...I do know! "
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Reply #6 - 01/28/13  2:37pm
" Thank you for your words of support and care. You said many things that i totally understand and get! I am not sure why your wife left but your feelings are alot of how I feel. I just filed papers not even 2 weeks ago and yes I still care and love him. But the love I had for him isn't that same as it used to be only because of who he has turned into. He has lost touch to reality it seems, what's important like his children. He doesn't talk to any of my family anymore, our friends and his own family pretty much. He has his new-found friends from what I hear. He was diagnosed with anxiety depression almost 3 years ago and was put on medication to help him but he went off it and things have never been the same. When he cheated on me the 1st time in the summer of 2010, it killed me inside. I don't trust him and now that I look back I feel I've put up with far more then I should have. I stuck this out because I had hoped he would get treatment and stop being in denial. But most of all, I had hoped he would feel bad, stop blaming me or whoever for what has happened to him. I am now (well the last 6 months) realized I need to move on. And no it's not easy. I have days I feel like this is a nightmare...I'll wake up and it never happened. I miss the man I used to have..he was my best friend too. And yes, it's been a strong lesson on who your true friends are and who aren't. I get that for sure. Some are more interested in the gossip or their stupid opinions that don't help the situation at all. I commend you for being there for your son. Your right it's not you or me. It was their bad choices. And yes our kids do see that and will learn from this. My son is almost 15 years old and he has alot of resentment towards his dad. He has seen to much. But he keeps telling me that he loves me and knows that this was not our fault. He is old enough to get it too (therapy helped some for him but a typical teenager getting him to go was like pulling teeth...lol). It feel good to talk to you about this. Knowing and hearing that someone gets what I'm feeling and understands. I hope things work out for you. My journey with the divorce has just begun and not looking forward to this dragging out or what is next. I pray it doesn't go bad. Thanks again. Jenny "
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Reply #7 - 01/28/13  4:23pm
" back in oct 2011 my wife confronted her father of molesting her..I had no idea, her rage and DUI several years prior should of been a clue. She lost it 10 days before thanksgiving and went off on a full rage, left drove to CA and back in 20 hrs ( 6 hrs each way).By November 23 I decited to call a truce for the holidays,we started to really get back as a couple.it was great. thansgiving night she picked a fight, to where I took my son out of the house and myself. I came back later that night , she slept in the spare room. What I did not know is she had taken 13 oxicoteens high dose, she got them from her dad on that 20 hr trip. so the next day I told my son (not knowing) to go in the house give mom love a hug and kiss and just sit with her, I will be in the workshop. I did not want to upset her by me being in the house. He found her (15) on her death bed, called me , I ran in and call 911, when the EMTS came and they were checking her out she died, They brought her back, but she is not the same, she blames me for eveything. Now I fight her in court. A 43 year old woman that was health that wanted to check out, I am now fighting. Its just crazy all she seems to want is money and nothing else. crazy "
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Reply #8 - 01/28/13  11:02pm
" I often think my husband would go that route (ending his life), but I think he is to selfish to do that quite honestly. His reality is not true reality...blames me and his family for why he is the way he is. My kids don't want to be around him and choose not to. We don't have legal custody papers filed (thank goodness) cause my almost 11 year old daughter refuses to talk to him or talk about him. They both want peace and drama their imposes on them. We are doing good. We're a strong team and stick together. I would never leave them or put them through what their dad has done. I just feel bad for both of them. Not sure how this will affect them in the future. Now I just wait for how this is all going to pan out. If he even responds or gets a lawyer. I don't want to go to court...just want to end this peacefully and move on with my life. "
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Reply #9 - 01/29/13  6:10pm
" If you end up in court, get a court advisor, they will talk to the kids, (I do not know the age limit,) but my son was 16 and that was his voice in court. Do not uinder estimate you X, I did , and thank god I had an attorney. She has tried all angles. "
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Reply #10 - 01/29/13  11:22pm
" Thank you SO much for offering that advice! That I did not know. Very helpful. Thanks again. "

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