Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group

Have you tried counseling? I know it can be expensive, but if your relationship is worth saving, perhaps checking out one that specializes in lesbian relationships. You could probably find one through your local gay and lesbian center. I know that being in an relationship is a challenge in an of itself as is all relationships. When there is a communication problem that makes it much more complicated and difficult.
Also, if she is peri-menopausal, that could also be contributing to her mood swings, I know that my menopause symptoms can be quite extreme at times.
I wish you well, and hope that you both are able to work through this together.
dam-skppy

I agree with damnskippy sounds like counseling is the way to go.

Maybe you two can try this exercise:

One of you states what you are feeling, or what you think about something, like, "The sky is purple." And then the other person responds, "I hear you saying the sky is purple." Then you say another statement and repeat until the first person is done. Then the next person goes.

It's corny, but what it does is keep you and her on the same page. You can't draw conclusions or make assumptions, you actually hear one another.

This is assuming that you've told her that you see it as a problem that you don't communicate. Have you explained to her that you feel disconnected when she doesn't speak to you? Tell her that you are hurting when she does this to you.

Maybe she grew up in a place where talking about your feelings wasn't condoned. And you say that you are both in the closet, it may be difficult to let her walls down with you when they are up with everyone else in her life.

I might get slammed for this...but I'm working from personal experience here...

Sometimes, you just have to force it. Keep bringing it up, keep talking about it. This is permeating everything that you do with one another so stop helping her to ignore the elephant on the table. Point it out, get her mad, work through the fight and don't run away. At least if she is screaming at you, she is feeling something, right? She is voicing an opinion that she has previously kept secret, right? Communication. Not exactly healthy, but it's a start.

So she cries. Let her cry. Cry with her. Hold her and tell her it's ok to cry. Crying is a sign of emotional processing. It's extremely healthy, especially for all of us with mental disorders.

Come at her with understanding. Stay calm and don't take things personally. Thank her for yelling and getting some things off her chest. Keeping things in like that only creates pressure. You have to understand that when she explodes, it's not at you, it's because she's created this pressure in herself, you've just opened the valve.

My fiance keeps things in tight. Occasionally I have to trip the valve too. She is learning how to BE angry, something that is healthy and normal...but it's something she wasn't allowed when she was young.

You of course have to only do what feels right for you. But a lack of communication only creates pressure and tension. You can either trip the valve consciously and process the emotions or you will trip it unconsciously and it will explode in your face. This is just my experience.

Hearts,
Owl

Thank you Ladies
Yes we tried couples counselin about a year ago. She was a mess everytime we went, my heart broke 4 her, I still had to walk on egg shells.
She would just see everything different, and negative. The counselor finally got her to talk to her alone,and then together, but it didnt last,because she hated to talk to her, and yet said she liked her, and thought she was fair.I tell her as much as she hates to talk and share, that is how much I need to do it.
BUT I am thinkin of tellin her to try it again, and let her pick the person to goCommunication" title="http://too.Communication" target="_blank"> too.Communication is the key to everything, she knows that but.
I will try it all. And I will try Miss owls ideas. They sound good.
Are there anyothers for me to do, feel free Ladies to pitch in. Wings4me

Hey wings -

I think it might behoove her to go to counseling alone - at least to start, then bring you in when she's ready. She just may not feel comfortable letting it all out just yet.
From what I hear you saying - you are both in the closet. It's very hard to accept yourself if you don't let others into your life. While being secretive can initially help fuel the flame - It must really get tiring not being able to be yourself - especially with the one person you should be able to.
It sounds like she might be having more trouble accepting her self. It probably has nothing to do with you at all, but she needs to know that by her not reacting she is pushing you away, not protecting you.
I don't know if pushing is the right way to go, but bringing it up every once in awhile is good to make sure she knows you're serious. Keeping the lines of communication open is imperative in any relationship. Make sure that you are really listening when she does speak though. try to use phrases such as: I hear you saying this...and repeat back to her what she said, that way 1. she knows you are listening and 2. there's no chance for mis communication and assumptions. Also use I statements, I hear you say that... "I" feel this way when....
I don't know if that's helpful or not, I'm not a therapist, but I really do hope that you 2 can open up to each other and work through this!