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Hi all,
I've browsed through some of the stories on here and I think I know what I am going to hear if I add mine to the list, but still... I've been a heterosexual all my life - married a good guy and have been with him for what feels like forever. I don't think I ever had any interest in ladies until fairly recently when I met a friend at work. And even then it took close to a year for me to realize that I actually have a very soft, unusually soft, spot for her - nothing like I've ever felt for any of my girlfriends. I fast forward to the point where after much time spent together working on the same project, hanging out randomly, going out for drinks, etc. as friends, it just hit me that I was falling for her, the way I could only imagine myself falling for a guy before. I had no clue what to do with all of this, coming out of nowhere. To make matters worse I was going through a significant life-changing period - leaving my job and moving far away to follow my spouse's new job. I was distraught over the whole thing, and I realized that much of the pain was coming from the fact that once I move, I was not going to see my friend every day, won't be able to talk to her, I won't have her in my life the way I wanted to. As best I could I tried to keep all this stuff to myself, but right before I left, I ended up telling her everything. God knows why - maybe it's my leaving, the dread of not seeing her again (we were making plans for her to eventually come and visit us once we settle down at the new place, but it felt light years away in a state that I was finding myself in). So I told her everything. Never in my life was I the first to share my feelings with a romantic interest, but then again, all of my past romantic interests were of the opposite sex, where you don't tell a guy you have a crash on him, even when you do :) Needless to say, it was a big shock to her. She told me as much later and she claimed she had no clue I felt that way. She's been an open lesbian for most of her life, have been in relationships, but had nothing going on at the time I dropped my bomb on her. We ended up spending the night together, but nothing critical happened - some fooling around, long talk, more fooling around. We had prior plans to go out the following day, we did, with more of the same not keeping hands off each other kind of deal, and then I had to jump on the plane. It was horrible, I cried myself to sleep, when I saw my husband the next day I had a strong desire to hit him on the head with something (that is after about 3 months of practically not seeing him as he moved earlier to start his new job, while I was wrapping things up with mine and getting ready for the move). I was a mess and pretty much continued to be one for quite some time at the new place. My friend and I were exchanging emails, chatting online, talking on the phone for hours - seriously, the way I felt it was high school and falling head over heels for someone all over again. I haven't experienced anything like this in years! This is turning into a very long post. I need to shorten the story. We communicated long distance for a couple of months to the point where she admitted she wasn't sure what she felt towards me anymore - it was past the friendship feeling, possibly a relationship feeling. At the same time, we could not help, but think, this was all wrong, as I wasn't free and so far away. She said she didn't want to get in the middle of this and I agreed that it was only fair as I needed to sort my stuff out. I was trying to get her out of my head, but we kept chatting online every day, and ended up making plans for me to come visit and stay with her. I felt it was a wrong thing to do, and even tried to suggest a couple of times that maybe I can stay somewhere else when I come - after all I was going to visit all of my friends while I was back there. She said everything was going to be fine and I wanted to believe her (and I wanted to see her more than anything or anyone else on that trip). So I came, and it was awkward pretty much from the beginning. I think I was fully prepared to respect her wish of not getting into anything beyond "just friends" stuff since that was pretty much the plan we ended up with when all was said and done. Well, I honestly thought I was doing a pretty good job, sticking to my end of the deal, but two weeks into my stay we had to part ways as she claimed feeling extremely uncomfortable around me because she could feel that I "still had feelings for her". Not going into the details of how I felt my world was falling apart and I had all the telltale signs of being desperately and "unreciprocatedly" in love. Then I went back to my new home trying to forget she ever existed. We didn't communicate for two months, then out of the blue I got a short message from her. At that point I was working on some opportunities for me to move back and get my old job back and she knew about it from people at work. One of the opportunities fell through, she found out and reached out under the pretext of expressing her surprise that it didn't work out. Polite, short, not really asking for anything. I matched the tone, responded. In the hindsight, I think she was really looking to see whether I was upset with her or mad at her for how things ended when I visited. And I opted to act like this was all in the past. Another couple of months later I did move back - didn't tell her anything, took a job at a different department within our company, different office, different city even. One of the first emails I got when I logged into corporate mail was from her (actually sent on a Sunday night before my start date). None of my other friends - anyone who positively knew that I was coming back - sent me any "welcome back" mails. We had a couple of email exchanges since then, a couple of chats online, I ended up going to the office where she works on business and seeing her at work - the problem is it made me realize that I never got over her and I still have whatever it is I have for her. Don't know whether she read through my crap this time around - I don't think it was weird between us, but then again, we were in the office. I miss her more now, when she is just a couple of hours drive away, than when we were separated by a huge body of water and en entire continent. I see her little green dot in the corporate messaging system every day and I want to talk, but I have to slap my hands because I don't want her to know (or show her) how much I miss her as I don't think she cares. Considering she is not reaching out herself at this point, I have to go with the assumption she doesn't want anything to do with me. She cleared her conscious confirming that I am not mad at her (she can't stand people being unhappy with or mad at her), and that was all she cared about, it seems. I, on the other hand, am in as much of a mess as I ever was. There is not a single day (or evening, or night) when I do not think about her. It's quite pathetic, actually. Based on what I know about her life - it wasn't an easy one, she has stuff she deals with day in and day out, I think overall she is not happy with herself or her life. She doesn't trust people, doesn't want to rely on others, doesn't want to get attached. What it does to me, though, is that I have this crazy feeling I can make her happy (why? don't know... can I, really? know even less), I want to make her happy more than quite a few other things that I ever wanted in my life, I care about her and want to be with her. I'm not the one to drop the other "L" word every which way, but I would say that I love her. That's the way I feel. Don't know what to do about it, though. Posted on 06/15/12, 11:53 pm |
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calif,
Well this is such a sticky situation. One thing that could be troubling her is that you are married. Many, many lesbians get caught up in feelings for a married woman, and then she goes back to her husband. Sort of like she was a lesbian toy. Now that's not necessarily what is going on here, but it does happen. The one thing you might want to consider is, you can't make her anything, much less happy. Only she can make herself happy. You can certainly add to it, but she has to find it on her own. To be honest, it sounds like you might be trying to find a reason for her to need you. And that would be great if she did. But thus far she has not "bitten" and there is a reason, even if she's not really sharing it with you. As hard as it is,you will have to, at some point, accept her desisres. There is nothing wrong with loving someone, nothing at all, so don't feel like there must be something wrong with you. Its just that whatever you are offering, she just is not interested in for whatever reason. It could be just that she does not share the same feelings as you, or something far deeper. Unless she speaks it to you, it will do us no good to summize. Maybe what you need to do for now is figure out what is going on for you both emotionally and internally. Besides love I mean. You are not clear on the time frames, but i'm guessing this is not an overly long period of time we are talking about? Maybe 6 months or so? Step back, reflect on things. I know its tough to be in love with someone who does not feel the same. and working with her is just that much more torture. Taking care of yourself right now is the wisest thing you could do for yourself. Not sure this helped.... 
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I can't tell from your post... are you still with your husband?
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Wow, this is a very difficult situation you are in. First and foremost after going thru the effort of moving back you must conclude the relationship with your husband asking for a divorce. I say this because regardless what happens with this woman at work, you have lost interest in pursuing or keeping the relationship you have had for years. That needs to be addressed.
Second, once the husband becomes the ex husband, than you can attempt to pursue any relationship with anyone. The fact you are still attracted simply means you never had a closure with the co-worker, thus, a human instinct sort of is to pursue the "what if"..The mere fact you experienced the butterflies in the stomach w/another human being is an indication your marriage is over emotionally. As stated by another member, love is beautiful and if you feel now after all these years of being "heterosexual" that you are now attracted to a woman, so be it! There is nothing wrong with that. Just remember, women are very sensitive, and many of us lesbians have been deeply hurt by a straight woman having a fling with us than reverting to the opposite sex without regard. I don't blame your co-worker for being evasive, she has been hurt before and knows exactly the kind of pain I am talking about. If you truly want to have a relationship with her, you must first deal with the relationship with your husband. Than you have something to put on the table sort of speak. It takes romance, sensitivity and kindness to approach a lesbian that has been scathed so much in life. Be yourself overall, if it is meant to be, the sparks will fly!
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Thank you, breb! Everything you said made perfect sense.
Yes, my marriage bothered her - I know, it did, we talked about it. It would've bothered me as well, if I were in her shoes. Honestly, I think the situation could be universal - if between the two people, whoever they are, one is in a relationship, and the other one is not, the latter would always have doubts about the true motives and undercurrents, and have fear of being discarded once whatever fluke or whim (if it turns out to be a whim) passes. So, that I completely understand. And thank you for reminding me about what happiness is and how it's achieved. I cannot believe that over the years I know I've said the exact same things (or very similar) on various occasions to my friends, and now here I am falling into the same trap. That is exactly why I said I needed to hear someone else's thoughts as I lost the ability to reason rationally here. And oh my God - I AM trying to find a reason for her to need me. This is exactly what I want. Unfortunately, though, I remember her saying once that there were very few things in life she could not live without. This is practically a quote. And I remember what I felt when I heard her say it (this was after my a-ha moment, but before the Hiroshima event) - my heart skipped not one beat, but a whole bunch of beats and I thought this was one of the most sad things I've heard in my life. I wanted her to feel loved and cared for, feel that there is someone out there who would always be true to her and at her side when / if she needs help. The truly ironic thing, too, was that I actually blew that opportunity at least once - she needed me, she wanted to talk to me, but I was fast asleep half a world away so she couldn't even call me. By the time I woke up and we were able to connect, the crisis has passed, but she did tell me how helpless and angry she felt when she realized she would not be able to reach me when she wanted and needed to... As for stepping back and figuring out what is going on - I think I am trying to do exactly that, have been trying to for the past 6 months or so (and it's been literally just about a year since my a-ha moment of clarity). But I guess my problem is that all of my reflections now are leading me in the opposite direction of where I need to go, and instead of figuring out a way of moving forward I am getting stuck in going in circles around my feelings. This could have something to do with never getting a closure, as heartache pointed out, too, but I don't see any possibility for a closure to be had under the circumstances. The only good thing in this entire situation is that I had my wits about me to let the job opportunity that would've landed me in the same office fall through. Because just a couple of days spent there were torture enough, but if I had to go there every day, I would not have lasted even a week... Thank you for the perspective...
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To answer your question, starrynight - yes and no. Yes, I am still technically married, and no, I moved back on my own, so the husband is, quite literally, half a world away...
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Thank you, heartache!
Yes, the whole purpose of moving back and getting a job was a motion to conclude the existing relationship. I don't think it's going to be difficult as there are no extenuating circumstances or complex arrangements. And btw, she knows I came back by myself. She asked, I answered. The only reaction I got back on that piece of info (shared in a chat, not in person) was a "wow". Whatever that was supposed to mean... And yes, your closure comment, I think, is spot on. I wish I could get this somehow, because without it, as I mentioned in my earlier reply, I am now stuck in analyzing my feelings ad infinitum and not getting anywhere good with it. I also don't think that I feel ambivalent about my attraction to a woman. It didn't (and does not) freak me out or anything - I just didn't know what to do with it, it came as a surprise, that's all. Thank you for the support, though. I do have to confess one other thing, too. Whatever happened between us that sent me packing when I came over and stayed at her place, still sort of bothers me. There was nothing sensitive or kind about her showing me the door. I may be delusional, but there was nothing I did that should've made her feel uncomfortable. She did hurt me, and I can imagine someone else in my place going "this is messed up, I have my pride, this person doesn't deserve my love and attention" and walking away. Yet all I can feel is that I just love her - to the point of accepting that she must have had her reasons and withdrawing any judgement. I'd like to think that I don't do drama, I'm 100% non-confrontational and would try avoid having it out with anyone almost at any cost, but I wonder whether this just makes me a spineless, self-deprecating individual who, on top of everything else, just does not deserve to be loved and respected :(
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Hello,
First of all, I sympathise with your pain of loving someone who does'nt love you back....at least not the way you want. Second...go here: http://www.lavendervisions.com/ It's an online support group for women who are still married to men but are awakening to their new sexuality. Third...only because I've been caught up in this... Do not get involved with anyone until you are divorced. I don't care that he's half a world away. You CANNOT commit to anyone in a true sense of the word until you are free from your LEGAL and BINDING marriage to your husband.. I was that single lesbian involved with a married women.... 2 1/2 years later she is STILL married to him....and will probably never leave him legally...she will just float from women to women or...maybe find someone who is crazy enough to accept that she will never leave her husband and never 100% commit to her and is somehow ok with that. The married women I was with crushed my heart .... don't do this to some women...the women you l.ove.....if you love her.... GET DIVORCED from your husband and be 100% availabl.e... that's the only fair thing to do.. I feel for you I really do...hugs
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Okay Calif,
I hear what you are saying about the co-worker turned love interest being cruel when she showed you the door, what this is telling me is that this a defense mechanism so she is in automatic pilot, trying not to get deeper with you because she knows where this is headed. So this girl has become stone cold, because she doesn't want to feel anymore. She cannot accept you because you are still married & that makes things too complicated for her lifestyle. Interpret its NOT YOU! It's the fact you need to loose the husband, legally & get a DIVORCE. If you say its doable than proceed with it, focus on getting the divorce signed and than perhaps you can have a party at your place celebrating a coming out party...coming out of a relationship event!!!! & maybe you can invite her...make it fun...ease off the pressure gently..she may take you at that time more serious! Hope it works out & that you can muster up the strength to get the divorce prepared & signed half way around the world if that is what it takes! Your health, sanity & your very existence is at stake...take charge...you have come a long way! Kudos to u!!!! Take care! Good Luck! :)
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There is the possibility she was projecting her own feelings toward you, which is why she abruptly showed you the door... I hesitate to even write that, because I don't want to give you false hope.
But if closure is what you are needing, pursue and finalize your divorce. Then approach her with your feelings. There is a good chance you are not going to like what you hear, but at least then you can get on with the grieving and on with your life. I admire your courage. I was 42 when I fell in love with a woman, having been completely heterosexual all my life. It was easy over the years of my marriage to be faithful, because with men I always knew where to draw the line. This woman slipped under my radar screen. Suffice it to say I wish I had taken some time for myself, and at least in action you are doing that. Now you need to work on your head and your heart... while I have a great support system, I found a terrific therapist who is wonderfully reassuring and unafraid to hold my feet to the fire... even if he gets kicked for it. (The one I had before him was pretty much useless and never said too much about my affair... my point is sometimes you need to shop around a bit.) You've really got so much of the hard part behind you... hang in there!
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Ladies, thank you, thank you, and thank you! All of this helped tremendously!
@Harmony - thank you for the link, looks like a great resource where lots of interesting topics are being discussed. Thank you also for your sympathy and the hugs :) Understand all your points about the divorce. Again, like I said before, without going into much detail, it's really a technicality, and not a very complex one. On the other hand, I do have to say this - contrary to what @heartache seemed to suggest, the emotional and personal connection to a soon-to-be ex-husband doesn't end or governed by any sort of paperwork. This is where it gets hairy, I think, much more than in the legal department. I've read on here a lot about how it bothers some people that their partners sometimes keep close connections with and ties to their exes. It's life, I guess, and people do grow apart, but depending on how much history has been accumulated, it's stays with you no matter the time that have elapsed or the distance has been put in between. I am willing to show how much more it means to me at this point to have her in my life, than to have my husband around, but how comfortable at the end of the day she would be with him still being somewhat in the picture for all the aforementioned reasons, we’ll just have to see. @heartache and @starrynight – I think you both are saying the same thing, if I read it correctly. And I don’t think it’s “false hope” either. And that is something that never in a million years I would’ve even thought of (again, coming back to my topic – being stuck in your own thoughts can give one some insights, but blind you in ways you could’ve never imagined). Two things from that stay at her house I was somewhat puzzled with and could not place anywhere, but maybe I can now. One – she kept asking me every freaking day without fault whether I have talked to my husband on the phone that day. It was irritating to a certain extent, but I guess she wanted to find out, in not so many words, what, if anything, was going on with my marriage at that point. Two – one evening, out of the blue as I was concerned, she said something about people being “in her face”. It wasn’t a direct remark, but rather an indirect comment, almost like an afterthought to something else in the conversation. Me being me, I spent the next however many days thinking what was that I did that was in her face. Never found an answer to that question and again, being non-confrontational and avoiding arguing with people, I ended up never clearing what she meant, if anything, by that comment. Well, all I can say now is, I guess seeing through me and being forced to stare at my feelings staring back at her, the discomfort she felt was not necessarily coming from the fact that she didn’t care for what these feelings represented, but rather that she would not have been able to just sit back and watch for much longer. And as we both knew, that was not what she wanted for herself. “Building up walls” (her own expression) was getting harder and hence I needed to go. Certainly, something to think about… @heartache - Love the party idea, by the way :) On a totally separate subject, I read your story and my heart bleeds for your pain. I have no words of wisdom right now, but it seems that @breb’s thoughts and suggestions helped a lot. I’m glad you feel better now :) Hugs… Thank you, all, again! You’ve been a huge help!
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