Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group

Welcome to Daily Strength. This is thee place for support and ideas about problems. The cool thing is that you will read new thoughts and ideas and you can either take them or leave them.

I don't believe there is any reason that our girl friends should give up their friends to be with us. We are lesbians, but we are social creatures who require healthy outside social interaction, yes,..even female friends. Trust is the foundation for all relationships; and a very mature, special, strong trust must be built between lesbian partners, or their connection will not survive this socially interacting life.
Please understand, I am very convinced of this opinion, even after my partner of 12 years fell in love and married her best friend. Friendships are a Necessary and Normal part of life. My X was a jerk and her actions does not mean everyone I meet will be a jerk. She gets to own that title :O)

You haven't mentioned how your girl friend and her friend met or how long they've been friends. You also haven't mentioned whether you are jealous or have reason to be angry about the relationship ~ only that they have daily interaction and it is really bothering you.

It's great that your girl friend leaned not to give up her needs to be in a relationship, however every relationship requires compromise. And, sometimes if one partner is not able to do this on her own, ...the couple has to be mature, patient and agreeable to set up respectful boundaries through compromise. Primary relationships are called 'Primary' because that's what the love relationship is. It takes work through communication and giving.

I personally don't think she should give up a friend, but it does appear you both need to let go of the anger, sit down in peace, love and empathy and talk it all out. It might be beneficial if she told you why she needs to speak to this friend every day, and it will be very good for her to hear (without anger) why this bothers you so much. Then, an understanding healthy compromise between two respectful adults in a primary relationship will need to be reached. Maybe not No Phone Calls, but simply Less with the best friend and more work and attention on you both
~ or, you are very right. Your anger and her stubborness will continue to drive a wedge between you both that very well may lead to the end of the connection.

Breathe! Smile. Remember your love. Talk like two calm, caring adults. It's time to learn how to deal with normal, every day situations like friendships. Life has much more difficult situations in store for you both; so don't let a normal thing like a friendship get between you.
If you both decide your stubborn anger is more important than your love,...it will mean neither of you were ready to be in a committed, compromising, respectful, compatible, mature loving partnership.

The truth is always right there in front of us,...and it's up to you BOTH to see it, hon.

Loveme,

Hmmm, the friend is an issue, but so isn't what you said about admitting you start some of them and get annoyed, i'm not sure what that means. But lets work with what you have said, I'm with Ms Teri that lesbians, especially lesbians need to have friends, even annoying ones who call what seems like, endlessly.

Here's the deal, the more you push this situation, the stronger your gf is going to dig in, its just nature. When someone tries to control us, our initial reactions are to push back. While she needs to keep friends, I understand your frustration. But taunting her is only going to make this worse. Clearly, you can see where she is coming from, right? One gf already made her choose, and here you are doing the same thing.

As Teri said, compromise is key. So I would say this to you, stop the pushing, its not productive. Speak with her when you two are calm and the boat is not rocking. Don't insist the calls stop, but find a compromise you two can live with. For example, maybe after a certain time, this friend waits for the next day to call, say maybe after 7pm so you two can do stuff together. Or maybe you say, when you two are out together, she should not answer the phone or ask her friend to call back later.

In the meantime, when this friend calls, give her space. Let her chatter, if you back off, i'm gonna guess this gf will call MORE at first. But then your partner just might start getting bored with it and might simmer it down without you pushing her. Yes, she is calling too much, but you can't change this, only your gf can.

When this gal starts calling and calling, why not go for a ride to a friends house? Take the dogs for a walk, go read a book. If you could, the first would work best, because you would be able to either vent, or think about something else.

You didn't mention why she "picks your gf up everday"? Do they work together? Have they been friends for years? Maybe the solution really is you finding your own friends to hang with, rather than harp on her? Give it a try, if that doesn't work...then maybe its going to take much more to resolve.

I want to thank you both for your help and how that helps me a lot I am going to actually sit down with her and discuss everything I want her to have freedom and I don't want to ever loose her. I need help as well because with the same friend I am talking about I heard that she liked my girlfriend as well I over heard that discussion before me and my girlfriend gotten together should I bring that up I truly do not want to stir things up I understand friendships but how do I bring it up without making an arguement

I'm reminded when i read the boards just how much genuine support abounds here. I've nothing to add to the replies re the situation so......

writing what u want to say could be helpful, gets the raw REACTION out there leaving a healthier RESPONSE attitude when u talk.

ABC's helps you to keep check on how u think/feel/act.
3 columbs on a sheet of paper for ur ABC

A=Activating event (e.g phones calls from partners friend)
B=Behaviour (e.g got really angry and yelled at my G'F)
C=Consequences (e.g my partner isnt talking to me)

Loveme ~
I wouldn't go into the rumors about this friend liking your girl friend before you both got together hon. Rumors are created by drama, not Truth. Deal with the facts only.
You might want to simply stay on the subjects at hand:
- Your relationship and ways to improve it
- How to compromise with care and sweetness about the frequent phone calls.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Not easy, but must be handled with great dignity and like adults otherwise you will be getting results you really don't like. 9 times out of 10 it all just fizzles out, although both my partner had friends all along. They became "our" friends, and I am glad I still have them. One pair of sisters went to school with me, and they have been there for me through thick and thin. I know they would have taken special care of Jean, has she been the one leftxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS Even their kids are there for me now they call me second mom, and I love them to bits. Been there for all the trials and all the joys too.

Prior responders were correct that you have to be careful not to push her away be objecting..however that being said, I was in a relationship which was recently ended by my partner. About 9 months ago, she started talking to her good friend more than I was comfortable with and I said nothing. She'd talk to this person for 15-30 minutes once or twice every 1-3 days. We were together for six years before this became an occurence. This behavior change was a signal I missed that my partner was very unhappy in our relationship and wasn't telling me how much she was unhappy. She said she did but in therapy it came out she wasn't vocalizing to me how storng she felt about things. Anyway, point being I'm on the outs, my wife of 7 years moved out and guess who she is dating now? So I would recommend to not ignore these phone calls but negotiate something that sometimes she does not take the call or limits the conversation if you are doing something or it is before/after a certain time. Then you leave the other times up to the GF to regulate. If her friend reacts to the limits, then I would calmly remind your GF that her friend isn't being respectful of your relationship. That way you aren't asking your GF to choose but putting reasonable limits on both you and the friend.

I want to thank everyone for their opinion and help. for this past week i let her be and do what she thought was right and i sat down with her and discuss how i felt without setting an argument, i wanted to tell her how i felt but instead she made it upon me how i am not caring enough and she said to me she noticed i didn't care. i told her i love her and how i didn't want to loose her but instead she kept telling me how her best friend has always been there for here even when my and my gf had a little break she mention that i felt uncomfortable how she said that and i tried to let out my feeling i love her completely i am just scared that both of them are falling for each other how to i discuss that to her without her assuming i want to break up with her and having her assuming the worst.

Discussions are communication, and communication means both talking and listening. Unfortunately, we learn very early how to talk, but it takes college courses and books to learn how to listen :O/ One of the most difficult things about listening is trying to understand what a person is trying not to say ~ what lies beneath their convoluted words.

Not everyone we love is meant to be in our lives for a long time. As we grow and change through the first 4 decades of our lifes, there will be dozens of times where we learn that the love we felt for a lover isn't enough.
We tend to rush into things, and more times than not, find out our lover is not compatible to us. True Partnerships are the highest form of friendship, beyond all others,..rare and unique, this is what makes them so very precious and difficult to find, honey.

I think sweety, that it might be time to turn on those listening skills. Unfortunately most people don't know how to be direct with kindness, empathy, sweetness and pure honesty,..so they say things that 'hint' at what is really going on :O/ From what you've just typed, I'm reading her loud and clear all the way in Kansas City (hug). It's time for you to put away the rose-colored glasses and let the truth ring loud and clear in your head.