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Advice:
How to deal with an emotional affair
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My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost 5 years. We met each other sophomore year in high school and became best friends junior year. She made the first move. She is my first girlfriend and I am her first. About 10 months ago, she started a new job. With that new job, came long hours, only giving her one day off per week. About 4 months ago, I noticed she became very distant and annoyed with me. I found out that it was my nagging her about helping me wash the dishes, taking out the trash, and doing the laundry. Since these are little things, I decided to quit the nagging and just do the chores without her help and not nag her. I didn't want her to pull further away from me and closer to her coworker. Lets just name this coworker, Nema (not her real name). I found out my girlfriend was talking to Nema about all of our problems. I know she just needed someone to vent about our problems...really about me nagging and being annoying to her.....I was sad because I wish she had just spoken with me and not pull away from me....


Weeks went by and we were arguing about her working long hours and not spending time with me and when she was spending time with me, should would always text her coworkers....the people she saw almost everyday.....I just thought it was rude and disrespectful....I then find out that my girlfriend had developed feelings for Nema and then told Nema about those feelings! My world came crashing down. I felt like my heart just got ripped out my chest. I thought I was going to have a heart attack.....the next day I told my girlfriend how I felt about her continuing to talk to this Nema after she had confessed her feelings to her.....I thought it was disrespectful to my feelings and asked if she would end things with this Nema. I wanted her to treat Nema the way she would treat her other coworkers. I wanted her to back away from getting close to Nema....She said that it would be awkward for her to stop talking to her coworker about anything not work related.....So I have accepted the fact that she won't stop talking to Nema out of respect for my feelings and have decided to change my feelings about Nema. I feel extreme hatred toward Nema. I asked my girlfriend to set up a dinner meeting with Nema and her boyfriend so that I could get to know her and hopefully change this hatred I have for Nema and hopefully not feel extremely jealous and worried that my girlfriend and Nema won't do anything physical with each other.....What do you think I should do?
Posted on 06/23/12, 03:31 am
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Reply #1 - 06/23/12  2:00pm
" ar08

You didn't mention whether "nema" felt the same way as you're gf, nor what those feelings of your gf's actually were. I know you said, developed feelings for nema...but what does that mean?

If both women feel the same, then its a foregone conclusion. It's just a matter of time. But if your gf were just being candid with you but working on YOUR relationship i might not get worried yet. maybe....its hard to tell. My gut says.....well you can't force someone to be there with you....be careful...sounds like your partner is geering up to cheat if she hasn't already. Just a thought.

and as far as the house cleaning goes, so what she works lots of hours? I used to too, and i lived alone, who do you think did the cleaning? wasn't done by osmosis! When two people use a house, two should be cleaning, even if she didn't do as much as you, she should STILL be pitching in. "
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Reply #2 - 06/23/12  2:30pm
" Hugs ar0826 I'm with ya breb53 ask your self are you really argueing about her working so much and not doing house work or even down time with y or is it jealousy to keep her from nema either way if something has or is.going to happen it will ya can't. Control someone by false pretenses making them think something else is wrong out with it let her know how you realty feel aro826 I would lay it all out on the table cause it sounds like these two are up to something disrespect maybe have ever let her know how you feel about the text coworkers when its ye quality time or even nema?is she bored with being at home an house work and just want to have fun after working all those hours. N don't want to think about any thing serious and work is her outlet you y'all are very young and new to this some you should go with ya intute and invite them maybe see how they act with you around and her boyfriend girlfriend goodluk y need it sounds like y could blow at any minute LOL lgbt ghost "
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Reply #3 - 06/24/12  1:03am
" Welcome to Daily Strength. I'm glad you found us hon (hug)

I see through your post that you are a strong woman. You are very clear about your 'wants' and you have made them clear to your girl friend.

Unfortunately...what we 'want' or 'wish' or 'desire' is not always going to be how things work (hug). You and your girl friend met and have been together for a while, but during a very, very young, sensitive time in life where we grow and change..........ALOT.
Like... ALOT.
Our 20's are about the hardest most difficult time in life where we are learning who we are as new adults in this world.

Feeling hatred towards Nema is a terribly wrong and an evil thing to allow yourself to participate in honey.
Never HATE. But, DO look at why you are blaming Nema for this. This is about your Girl Friends Actions.. because you love her and she is in your life. Nema is not to blame.. for anything. If it wasn't Nema your girl friend was paying attention to.... it would be another girl.. by another name. (hug)

You cannot control your girl friend nor how she feels about life, how she deals with friends,..how she deals with you,...or what she really really feels. Your hatred or 'wants' will not change your girl friends need to grow and change in life. Your Negative feelings will Never change who people are honey. Your negative feelings are a 'wake up call' to see your relationship clearly.

It's very important for you and your life journey to see things as they are. This is about You.. and How You handle this conflict. It's up to you to make decisions about what you will and will not tolerate...and stay or move forward to make yourself happy and at peace.

What you give in love is beautiful and always will be.
What you accept about reality is necessary and always will be.

(long hug) "
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Reply #4 - 06/25/12  7:18am
" Breb53, She never really explained in detail what her feelings were for this girl...i just know that she felt a connection that she and I used to share. ...I guess since my gf needed someone to vent to because she lost connection with all of her other friends....and "Nema" lent her a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on.,,,,I'm not gonna lie, this girl is absolutely gorgeous....so maybe it was a physical attraction to her as well....I appreciate your response.... :-) "
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Reply #5 - 06/25/12  7:25am
" blueghost39, I have explained to my gf about everything I feel....and I know I can't control her actions....I've realized that and accepted that she won't stop talking to this girl out of respect for my feelings.....so I am going to do what the bigger person will do and put my feelings aside and try and get to know this girl....because I certainly do not want anything more to happen than what has already happened....I don't believe she has done anything physical with this girl because "Nema" has a boyfriend and is straight....and I'm not even sure how "Nema" feels about my gf....but you never know....Thanks for your response. :-) "
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Reply #6 - 06/25/12  7:34am
" MsTerilyn, yes I do realize people change very quickly....and yes we have been together for a long time....She was my best friend in high school and still is.....I tell absolutely everything....She used to tell me everything until she got close with this girl...If it wasn't for the Serenity Prayer, it probably would have been very difficult for me to accept what she did and probably would have done something crazy....I have accepted what she has done and accepted that she won't stop talking to Nema, So I will change my negative feelings I have for Nema....Yes I know its not Nema's fault that my gf did these things......So my gf and I came to a conclusion that we should have dinner with Nema and boyfriend so I can try and get to know Nema....I really do want to get rid of these feelings of hate....it makes me absolutely sick, I have never hated anyone....Thanks for the advice and "hug" :-) "
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Reply #7 - 06/26/12  12:38pm
" Hi There,
It is good you are reaching out to this other gal and trying to get to know her, etc., but just some words of caution... I had a very similar situation with my ex who got "very close" to a straight (and later to another gay) coworker(s), and I did the same thing you did... I wanted to meet the girl, try to accept their friendship, get to know her, etc. Well, I was just a fool. She ended up cheating with the straight girl (amazing how all girls are straight...until their not) and later with another lesbian coworker. I was stupid enough to not even realize all that was happening until after we broke up a few years later and she decided to tell me all about her rendezvous with her coworkers to spite me. Anyhow, point being - I saw a quote the other day that I really liked. It was something to the effect of:

If you fall in love with two people, choose the 2nd one, because if you had really loved the first you wouldn't have fallen for the 2nd.

I really believe this to be true. If you love someone enough, you don't develop "feelings" for another person. And even though it may not be "Nema" she ends up with, there is a good chance another will come along.
I know it isn't what anyone wants to hear, but being cautious now, and thinking clearly, may save you a lot of (additional) heartache in the end.
Best of luck to you! "
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Reply #8 - 08/27/12  6:20pm
" ar0826, I know exactly how you feel. I saw that you mentioned that Nema has a boyfriend and that she is straight unfortunatly that doesnt matter my girlfriend the love of y life cheated on me with a co worker that has a boyfriend lives with him and even has a kid. Just keep in mind that straight girls can easily fall of another girl. I wish you the best and hope you guys work things out because I know ho much it hurts for the love of your life to betray you like that =( (hugs) "
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Reply #9 - 08/29/12  4:15am
" Hi... Hugs

Firstly, please don't be too hard on yourself. If you need to dislike Nema, if you need to be angry... Just be.

Secondly, I am sure you cannot help but "visualize" Nema and your gf connecting emotionally and physically? ... If you catch yourself doing that, STOP.
Don't let these visions create more negativity in your relationship.

Lastly, temptations can happen anywhere. and something must be "missing" when your gf started to work. A change took place. You have to replace any negative visuals of Nema and your gf with positive ones.
Every morning, Visualize one amazing image your gf and you spending time together..... a vision that will literally bring a smile to your face. With that wonderful energy you garner, do little things to surprise her and romance her.

Try it? "
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Reply #10 - 08/29/12  9:44am
" Hi ar0826...

You've been given some really great advice here! From personal experience, an emotional affair is not a good sign.
It's one thing to have a good & trusted friend that you can go to and bounce things off of because this friend is able to be objective but also wanting to help..., sometimes it's good to talk to someone if we need to. But that is a definition of a friend that you don't have feelings in that way for..., the problem here is your girlfriend has allowed those special connections of friendships to become to mean something more for herself.
This I would consider to be a red flag..., but as with flags it doesn't neccassarily have to mean doom & gloom is on it's way, it's just that life right now is presenting you with an opportunity to handle this the best way possible, for yourself!
It might be good for you to meet Nema and observe her friendship with your girlfriend, but also observe how it makes you feel. I have to say though it could be a Nema, Tina, Sheila or whoever..., if you're gf has tendencies to seek more support out of the relationship than in it, there is a problem I'm afraid (((hugs)))
But you won't feel right unless you try to fix or remedy things between you I know, we've all been there;) So give it your best shot, but please make sure that you stand by what you believe to be is right or wrong for you, be true to yourself and your feelings too..., you are still young but that doesn't make what you're going through any less intense..., when you first love you fall hard, that's a first love for you (hug)
Wishing you all the strength and courage here..., it might go well for a while now, then at some point it might not, but know you have a place here to reach out to and hear a variety of advice and support, which might just be what you needed to hear at that specific time...
Take good care of you! "

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