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Advice:
Lying, controlling ex's.
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I live with my girlfriend (of a little over a year) in an apartment. A few years before I started dating her, she was in a 3 year relationship with her long-term high school friend. They have remained somewhat friends after their messy break up, though whenever they hang out...all they do is fight. Even our mutual friends from college notice that my girlfriend is happier when this ex is not around. I can see where my girlfriend would feel the urge to keep this ex around because they have been friends for 12 years. As understanding as I try to be, it still makes me uncomfortable when they text and hang out because this ex/friend is strongly opposed to us dating, and has even confronted me once about it. This ex suffers from Schizophrenia (currently receiving treatment). After my girlfriend and I got an apartment together, she started demanding attention from my girlfriend on a weekly basis. Her obsession with my girlfriend is sometimes scary to me (in addition to being completely inappropriate). She guilt trips my girlfriend and yells at her for not being more available when she's feeling down or is having problems. It upsets my girlfriend a great deal to be yelled at by her, and sometimes she takes it out on me. It is not my place to tell my girlfriend to not hang out with this ex girlfriend/friend, as much as I'd like to. She knows it upsets me a great deal, and our relationship is seriously suffering because of this person forcing themselves in our relationship.

My girlfriend knows that it bothers me when they talk or hang out, so to avoid a fight and not upset me, she has started lying to me. Recently, I found out that my girlfriend has been lying to me about meeting up with this ex girlfriend when I'm at work, and complaining about our relationship (via text) to her when we do fight. She has even gotten her friends involved and told them not to tell me if her and this ex have hung out. All of this makes me extremely uncomfortable, but my girlfriend insists that this is how things have to be because the ex "needs" her. I have tried to build a friendship with this ex girlfriend the best of my abilities, tried to make things work where we are all happy, and established open, honest communication...but she does not like me and tries to come in between our relationship. This ex is demanding, manipulative, controlling, and co-dependent on my girlfriend. At first I suggested that my girlfriend set boundaries with her and not spend so much time with her. However, this only made matters worse; the ex has an all-or-nothing mentality prefers my girlfriend to be 'on call' all the time. She is not happy with getting my girlfriend only sometimes. Should my girlfriend just end it with this friend all together? What can I do in this situation, being an awkward 3rd wheel to their 'friendship'? It hurt me a great deal to find out that my girlfriend was sneaking around with this person, and her lying continues to worsen as their friendship persists. My girlfriend knows I'm always there for her to talk, but tells me she's going to keep lying unless I accept this abusive person in our relationship. I love my girlfriend so, so much, but I want this negative influence out of our lives because it is turning her into somebody I simply do not recognize...and I just want my old girlfriend back before all of these lies :(
Posted on 12/20/11, 05:12 pm
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Advice:
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Reply #1 - 12/20/11  6:22pm
" Hmmm. I am so sorry Labgirl.
You do know that you cannot make your gf do anything, right?
However you can do something yourself. As much as I hate to say this, you may have to remove yourself from the picture to protect yourself.
Your gf and her ex apparently have a very unhealthy thing going on. But the deal is that it's not just the ex, it's your gf that is participating as well. And from what you say, she is adamant about continuing.
You can participate by staying and allowing it to continue, or you can leave and therefore not be a participant in the ex's crazy behavior.
The other option would be to demand that it stop but you've already tried that.
I hope someone else here will have a better solution for you. The thing about abusive relationships is they are pervasive, insidious, and downright sneaky. I speak from experience.
big hugs Labgirl. You are in a difficult situation, best I can tell you is look inside and be true to yourself. "
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Reply #2 - 12/20/11  6:59pm
" I second that advice completely. You cannot control someone else's actions. You can only control yourself. You have a choice to make here. You either accept what is happening, or you choose to remove yourself from the situation. "
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Reply #3 - 12/20/11  9:08pm
" You know, at first i was going to say you suggest (as you said) to ask your girlfriend to set some limits, let her know how uncomfortable it makes you feel and try to come to a compromise...but then i re-read this, and i completely missed the part that you said that she's been lying to you about hanging out with the ex...i guess my question is, why is she lying about it? Is it becuase she thinks you'll be jealous or angry? Or is she sneaking around for another reason?

Anyway, aside from the sneaking around, i always say that if youre dating someone and their ex is very...persistant and my girlfriend doesn't set any kind of boundaries with them, then i have no other choice but to look at my girlfriend and think, "why not?" I'm all for friendships with ex's but it needs to be a FRIENDSHIP. I've never had a friendship that i demanded someone to be "on call" 24/7 or "need" a friend so badly. I also understand that your girlfriends ex has a mental illness (i work with adults that have mental illnesses) but once again, there needs to be boundaries set with your girlfriend and her ex.

Anyway, good luck hun! I'm sure everything will work out in the end! "
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Reply #4 - 12/21/11  12:31am
" i have been in your shoe and i can only find one words that will fit . it sucks!!! i tried to be understanding also. it got so bad that i was walking on egg shells just to get through the day . this is not healthy and what i learned is that it was my girlfriend that could not let her ex go . i know this is not what you want to here,but i wish i would of took the advice of the ladies here when i was going through this . put boundries on her and if that does not help then you wont have much of a choose but to RUN.it is hard but it is better than everyday living in hell and it will get worse it wont get better i amsorry. "
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Reply #5 - 12/22/11  12:20am
" Your girl/friend is......who she is showing you she is, hon. There is no 'other person that existed before'. What has changed, is your insight and clarity. Her continued actions woke you up honey. I'm sorry hon.. I really am.. but think about it ~ really.

Your only obligation in life is to be True To Yourself. You were born to be You ~ Period. I know this is hard ~ but as I tend to say over and over again.."this is your wake up call".
Pain and confusion are our only wake up calls honey. You will Love many people, in many different ways. Our life partners are very, very hard to find ~ and require many lessons before we find them.

You now 'know' what is before you.. and you can't change her... you can only change You. So. What are your choices? Stay here in the selfish drama of your lover ~ or move on? In the big picture.. what will be best for you hon?
Think about it. Whatever you decide ~ is Your Decision. Do not blame Her for Your Own Lack of desire to make your life more peaceful *wink. This is Your beautiful journey.. this is Your happiness....and only You can Make It Happen.

I sure freakin' hope you see clarity soon hon ((hug)) There is something very wonderful awaiting you way-way out there. You make the choice to stay here in despair or to move on (((long hug))) "

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